Men - why avoid counseling?

Question

I see so many times here on this forum that men will avoid going to relationship counseling if their wives or girlfriends suggest it. I mean, if you had a financial problem, you'd go to a tax expert. If you had a foot problem you'd go to a foot expert. If you have a car problem you go to a car expert. So what's the BFD??

My view is, I think many of us had bad relationship role models growing up. I know I did. Unless your parents were similar to the Bradys, you may have skewed ideas on what makes a good relationship. Even women who think they know how to have a good relationship can be wrong; an expert or counselor can set you straight on so many different things, it can be a real light bulb moment for many people. And if your insurance covers it, why not go learn some new tricks? Sometimes ONE small piece of advice can save a marriage.

Answer 1

Men will think they dont have a problem.

Answer 2

In response to some of the answers, all men never do anything. It is true that men in general do underutilize mental health and health related services when compared to women. However, it speaks to the power of the gender role norms in our society that typically require men to be emotionally distant, appear in control, shun anything feminine, and appear invulnerable, where as women, in general, are encouraged to be more verbal, vocal, and relational in their interactions. This isn't definite for everyone in each gender, but it is a variable to consider instead of automatically assuming that resistance to counseling is a personal defect. It makes sense that if counseling is viewed as simply a place to talk about feelings, which is typically viewed by our society as a feminine activity, some men would avoid it. Some women who were brought up in a family that discards feelings avoid it also.

Something else to take into consideration, especially with couples or family counseling is that the "identified" patient we often want to get into counseling badly, often does not want to attend counseling for the same reason we think they should be in counseling. They are often afraid of going somewhere to hear a "professional" and their spouse/family blame them for the problems in the relationship. It is typically never one person's fault for problems in a relationship. Instead, it is usually an unhealthy way of communicating that we have learned in our families. When two or more people come together with an idea of how relationships should be, at least one of them will be disappointed.

Misconceptions about what counseling is keep men and women from utilizing it as a tool for improvement all the time.

There is a tip I have learned in couples/family counseling for encouraging an unwilling person to join the session. Let them know that you are going to a counselor to talk about your relationship as well as their role in it. Invite them to join, but let them know that you are going whether they are or not. Don't be judgmental or demanding. Simply offer the invitation, knowing that you may have to go alone. Often, knowing that people are talking about them will encourage a person to go to the session just to make sure that people don't misrepresent them.

Don't let an unwilling partner prevent change from happening. A lot can happen in individual counseling that can affect the relationship. Changing your reactions to a spouse can often change their behavior toward you. Along the way you may grow as a person and your spouse may begin to be curious about what is being said about them or at the very least want their side heard and participate in the session too.

Good luck

Answer 3

I have never understood that either. My fiance and I were going through a rough patch, and I recommended counseling, but he refused. I think it is mostly about his pride. Men have a harder time talking freely in front of strangers. I just hate that it makes you feel like they don't want to work things out. Is pride really that important?

Answer 4

I do not have a marriage problem, But one thing for sure is, if my marriage was in trouble, I would be the one calling a counsler for help. I always try first.

Answer 5

They don't want to spend 1 hour a week improving their relationship. That is why the relationship is in trouble to begin with.

Answer 6

ok, I am kind of having this problem with my husband...we are both havi ng serious personal problems and they are leading to my serious depression and he doesnt want to deal with it. His answer is always "I'm too busy, I have to work" I've finally started myself going to counceling on a weekly basis and at one point in the last year I finally got him to go to couples counceling with me but with me working with the councelor and all of us talking to my husband and keeping on his butt, we finally convinced him to go to individual counceling and I really think that our relationship is getting better and our marriage is getting better. I'm sorry if I babbles on and on...but I guess my bottom line is I really think that counceling for relationships is a really good idea and I think it works.

Answer 7

I don't get it either. I've tried to get my ex to go and he refused. In the end I was right because he ran scared and will never get help for himself and never be emotionally ready for a relationship.

Answer 8

Exactly; and with so many free services out there too for those that can't afford - there really is no reason not to.

Answer 9

Just for one simple reason... they are truly the MCPs
(Male Chauvinist Pigs)

Answer 10

Men DO NOT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT SH*T!

What do you woman not get about that!?