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I am in a small group with 3 other women. They have all been married for around 5 years, have 2 kids and are stay-at-home moms. During our small group, they were all discussing how they feel that their marriages are falling apart and that their husbands want to have sex with them, but they just don't want to.
I am a newly wed, so I know that I don't have the experience of being married for several years and going through a slump....but I just don't understand. It seems to me that a lot of the relationship depends on the woman’s mood. It's like that saying, "If mama's not happy, no one's happy."
So that being said, why don't women in this situation let their marriages fall apart? Why don't they take a more proactive approach? Is there anything that I can tell them or any books that I could recommend?

2006-10-18 04:38:47 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

:) I asked why don't women let their marriages fall apart....I meant to say why DO women....
;)

2006-10-18 04:40:42 · update #1

28 answers

When you have had a couple of children, no help, and been married beyond the honeymoon phase you will know the answer to your question. I am sure they didn't feel that way when they were first married like you.
I happen to know several at-home moms that once the children were self-sufficient they spend alot of time on themselves.
Having kids saps your energy and you are "mommy" 24 hrs aday whether you are healthy or sick. It doesn't leave room for facials and spas and doing all those things that made you feel sexy.
Your mind runs thru long lists of the things that have been done or still need to be done along with whatever "worries" they may have. Hubbies come home from a day of dealing with adults and being productive and don't want to take over at home.
Being an at home mom is the equivelent of having 2 full time jobs.
There is never a day off. The last thing on their mind is going to be sex.
You could offer to babysit for them so they can go get their nails or hair done or just to be at home alone with their husband. Take the kids with you for an evening maybe even overnight.

2006-10-18 07:28:45 · answer #1 · answered by kane 2 · 0 0

I don't think women really want to let their marriages fall apart. Its just with having kids, and cleaning house all day. And never that much help from the husbands with any of this, they probably think they'll pull back and take the sex away because they don't feel like they are being treated as the beautiful women they were before having babies and cleaning house. The husbands aren't really helping either because they just want and want like the kids without returning the favor. So without getting much help or any thing they probably feel bad about themselves. Because they are expected to be sexy when they don't feel it and so they just give up. I'm not really sure of any books that might help but I think you should hold lingere parties where they can come and buy sexy stuff. Suggest going away to hotels for the weekend, leave the kids with someone and have fun for a while.

2006-10-18 05:10:35 · answer #2 · answered by Bloody Kisses 4 · 0 0

First I agree I always hear that it's the Woman who dosent want the sex anymore. I dont want to belive it but I think it's more true than not. Women have alot of roles to play as should a man. The marriage is a two way street and it takes both parties to put into the bond. Even if wife is a "SAHM" that is a non-stop full time job. A husband has to understand that just because he put in a full days work it dosent end for him, he should suck it up help with the kids , dinner, homework ( thats a toughie ) laundry, or anything that he can see needs it. If he has to ask that could add to the stress but at least genuinely try. Also give into sitting down with your wife if she wants to just watch some show or movie. ( you know chick flicks ) she may just need to know your "there" like really there for her, not just "doing your job". I don't understand the hormonal imbalance being a guy but women tie alot of emotions to the deed. If they are not in their "place" or "balance" it can rarely happen. Initiate sex even if you dont go all the way then and there. Tease and be playfull. Love pats, peck here and there, tug at her clothing playfully. Just remind her you still adore her. As a guy, I can bone anytime if I'm looking to just get off. But If she wants "lovemaking" I gotta be in that mood too. So it's tough all around. Really if spouses just "hit it" whenever they just wanted to get off they all might be a little more happier!

2006-10-18 05:42:14 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

From my personal experience, I don't think it was that I didn't want to have sex with my husband, I think the everyday stress of work, bills, kids, etc just got in the way. Probably about 4 yrs into our marriage the sex life was put onhold for about 3-4 years. We have been married 18yrs now..and I can tell you our sex life is the best it is has ever been.

2006-10-18 04:49:58 · answer #4 · answered by katydid 2 · 1 0

I have seen the same thing with a lot of my friends marriages, I vowed to myself when I got married two years ago that I wouldn't ever let that happen. I try to not only be the Wife and Mother that I have to be but also try to be that girlfriend that he fell in love with, meaning , I try to keep things new and exciting, something different everytime, wether it be how, where, when and little things like that, I think that women start to feel this way because they are trapped in the same old routine day in and day out, once you get married the husband stops trying to impress you because the chase is over, once this happens it seems to me that the wife starts feeling like thier husband doesn't look at her like thier little play thing anymore and all he wants is for the wife to please them, so I think the wife should try and change the way that she does things to make the man more interested in her this in return will make the husband more willing to change somethings about how he approaches the wife about haveing sex. I hope that you can understand what I mean, it's hard to write it down explain it well, Best of Luck to all!!! Remember a man won't change by himself sometimes he needs a little encouragement.

2006-10-18 04:49:02 · answer #5 · answered by randyssgirl25 2 · 0 0

That's a good question. Judging from how many men on this site complain that their wives either don't want sex, or are unwilling to be creative with it, alot of women are withholding sex or not trying very hard to keep it fun. Can't wait to see what comes from this question!

2006-10-18 05:00:04 · answer #6 · answered by Lotus 6 · 0 0

Once women are married and have children and become the stay at home Mom's they loose sight of their role.
You can't stop being a wife, just because you have children.
You must take time like a date night, when you get a sitter and go out on a date....
The mom feels physically unattractive because they are so busy with the children, that they don't make time for themselves.
This can be resolved with luxurious baths while they are napping....specific times for them to play alone, time to help mommy with the chores and tidying up.
If a mom doesn't take the time for her , she will get lost and will loose her self esteem, motivation and forget she is a wife and lover to her partner....
Each memeber of the partnership must keep the romance brewing, so th at they can show the children what to expect in marriage and be good role models...
There is nothing worse than bickering and fighting because mommy or daddy is in a bad mood, because they are sexually frustrated with one another.........You must make the time to be lovers....

2006-10-18 04:47:14 · answer #7 · answered by doclakewrite 7 · 2 0

As far as women not being in the mood and that being the reason that don't want to have sex. That's what foreplay is for. And while they are saying no someone else could be saying YES!

2006-10-18 04:54:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

Why place all the blame on the women? My husband knows that I don't want to be intimate with him when he is drunk, yet when I get home from my 3-11 job he is already drunk. Some may think that I should just do it anyway but I really don't get anything out of it so why should I?
A good marriage should not be the responsibility of just the woman. It takes two.

2006-10-18 05:06:23 · answer #9 · answered by theoriginalquestmaker 5 · 1 2

Life gets busy and strains relationships. These women have probably lost a meaningful connection with their husbands. So sex has become rote and perfunctory. You need to talk to the men. It is their privilege to reawaken their wives. To take the time to care about how they are feeling and not just about the function of sex. Sex is intended to be a whole person act. Men tend to focus on the physical while women emphasize the relational aspect. It's best if, both partners are bringing their whole self to bed with them.

2006-10-18 05:27:43 · answer #10 · answered by enoch 3 · 1 0

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