He says the reason he cheated is that I'm not affectionate enough with him. Like, I don't anniciate sex and I don't aniciate holding his hand when we're out. Stuff like that. He also said he gets "frustrated with" me. So, now we're supposed to be working things out and then one day I saw in the computer history that he was on myspace. So I loged into his account and saw that he's back to flirting with other women. Telling them they're sexy and crap like that.
Now, just so you know: I do ALL of the cooking, cleaning and raising of the four children. All of this while running a day care out of our home. I'm up from 5a.m. and even when all of the child care kids are gone, I still have work to do. So, I'm not lazy or anything like that. I don't even ask him to take the trash out.
So, back to my question. If I'm not affectionate, is that a reason to cheat?
2006-10-18 04:18:15 · 30 answers · asked by vitamin D 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ok, Quasimoto. Just for the record, this is the first time I've asked anything about this crap being my fault. Get your facts straight and don't confuse me with other questions you've answered. And to the guy who says to let the house work go for a bit, my husband gets pissed if I'm not up all day doing some type of "wife work". So, I've done all I know to do. And just so you know, the reason I'm not affectionate is because he's mean. Not the kind of "smack you in the face" mean. Just sort of quick tempered and llikes to give the cold shoulder A LOT.
2006-10-18 04:49:16 · update #1
No, it's not your fault. Infidelity is a choice. Each of us is responsible for the choices we make. He is responsible for his.
Don't misunderstand me, there may be things you can do better. But, that doesn't justify breaking the marriage vows on his part.
He should have tried to work things out with you. That's the essence of a marriage.
2006-10-18 04:20:41 · answer #1 · answered by Otis F 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hummm some men want it all. Why I agree that it is important to satisfy your husband in those areas even if we are tired. You have to make some time for him that doesn't give him any excuse to be cheating like that. First you need to try to make some time to sit down and talk. Something has got to give here or else your marriage will continue to go this way andmay eventually break up because he is sleeping around. If a man isn't pleased at home he will look elsewhere. I say this not to place blame on one person. This is something he needs to deal with too. Some people are weak in that area. I suggest if you don't want to lose your man to these other women then you need to openly talk about things you can do as a couple to improve your marriage and keep his eyes from wandering so much. Now I hear women complain all the time well I can't do anything else because I already do all the housework, take care of the kids, have a job, etc, etc. I am telling you that all that means nothing when it comes to making your marriage work. Let the housework go for a bit until you can resolve this. Have someone come and look after the kids so you and your husband can go out on a date and maybe get that spark back. Marriage is WORK. If you stop working on it then that is when things get out of control. It is like a lawn. You don't take care of it and then the grass starts grwoing bigger and bigger and pretty soon you lose site of the problem and then you don't nuture it or water it then it starts to die and then you have lost the lawn all together. You can restore it back to its beauty just with a little tlc. It doesn't take much. Either you do something about it or you have no room to complain.
2006-10-18 04:30:11 · answer #2 · answered by hehmommy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is about the third or fourth question you've asked regarding him telling you the relationship's failure is your fault. His drinking is your fault. His infidelity is your fault. Each time you ask people "Is it?"
Are you for real, are you bored or is it you just are so lacking in self esteem and confidence you need to get a boost from somewhere and you don't really care where or from who?
Lady.....although i never make it a point to condone this you better go out and have an affair. You're the type of person that I would encourage to do so. If for anything to let you see that someone finds you attractive and sexually charged. Just be sure you find someone who doesn't want a one night stand and actually takes an interest in you and your life. Someone you can confide in and get some comfort other than sex.
2006-10-18 04:29:36 · answer #3 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you are saying is not making any since. If he expects you to do the wifely duties and you do them, and you also run a daycare center then what right does he have to say that his cheating is your fault and that you are lazy,also why would you let it even bother you when you know that he is full of bull $hit? You don't have to take his $hit, and why should you worry about pleasing him if he is not pleasing you anyway? You are his wife, not his slave! You should let him know that he has his own mind, If it was your decision on what he was doing with his life it most certainly would not be for him to be screwing other women, he would be home with his wife & children, and screwing you when the children went to bed! You should not let him over power or insult your integrity as a woman. If he wants to cheat on you then you should tell him to get out and leave you alone. This is not good for you and it most certainly is not good for the children!
I'm sorry if i'm being blunt but when I hear $hit like this it really makes me upset!
Sorry again.
Good Luck!
2006-10-18 07:05:38 · answer #4 · answered by bigred 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Using the other person to blame for mistakes a person makes is just right down cowardly. Conquering other worlds is a man's biological composition. It has nothing to do with love nor what the lady does or does not do. However, if he did it once, you can be sure that he'll do it again. Get out. Your kids are all that is important. This man is not a good role model. He's fed up with the relationship but is too chicken to say so. Is that the kind of guy you want for yourself? I think not.
2006-10-18 04:49:21 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't play the blame game! Cheating happens for a reason. It takes two people in a relationship to make it or break it. If he is a very affectionate person and you are not...it IS very difficult to deal with. He wants ATTENTION. He wants your love. Forget the trash...forget the dishes...take his hand...lead him to you. It will only get worse, if you don't do something about it. Forget all the day to day chores for awhile...get away. Have him get involved. Cook a romantice dinner togehter...alone...without kids! He feels neglected...I'm sure you spend the majority of your day giving attention to the little ones...I know its exhausting...find it in your heart...to set that aside...and not him.
2006-10-18 04:37:49 · answer #6 · answered by Summerbead 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not your fault. He chose to cheat.
Cheaters make up lies all the time, if denial isn't effective enough then they try to shift blame on you.
He did so on his own free will.
Of course there might be things in the realtionship that could be better. He should of brought them up before cheating. But these things happen. YOu can get by this if he stops his cheating. If an affair is active you stand zero chance.
2006-10-18 06:07:33 · answer #7 · answered by mren 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG....No its not your fault he cant be a real man. He wants to medicate the situation with other women and blame it on you. I bet your husband just sees you as a clean and cook and house keeper and maintenence person while he enjoys the fruits of your labour and then go outside of the marriage to get laid?? No hes a major jerk off whos just justifying his bad behavior, but the truth is its his bad behavior that is a problem not your being unaffectionate...you marriage should be over. no offence, but it really should. It sounds like hes just using you to keep the house running for his convenience while he goes outside of the relationship for affection...that is crap, he should try and work on it with you. Id leave, his behavior is completely unacceptable.
2006-10-18 05:01:58 · answer #8 · answered by jennyve25 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YES and NO
Lack of affection can lead to estrangement. If he DOESN'T feel connected to you then a betrayel of his relationship with you becomes easier to justify.
Just because its easier to justiy does not make it acceptable.
Sounds like he doesn't see the other things you does as affection and that's not his fault. Its like being color blind. Some people are "hugger" and need hugs to feel that they are loved. Some are cuddlers, hand holds, kissers, smilers, winkers ... etc. If you give them what they need there is no problem and the relationship stays strong and connected, but if you give a hugger a kiss its like giving a man in the desert some salt. It might be good for them, but they would still prefer a glass of water.
As for his flirting on the internet, it may be his attempt to get what he needs. He may NEED to feel like a lover and he doesn't FEEL that with you. I bet if you remind him that he is still your lover he will flirt with you more and be happier about your relationship.
Men are simple we want to be everything in your eyes and when we feel that we are not we feel that we've failed. Men are also stooopid.
2006-10-18 04:57:04 · answer #9 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Flirting & sexy talk on the internet may not be something that you
like and indeed may not be a good idea in many cases but it is a long way from Adultery...
Sounds to me like you need to try acting a little more affectionate & sexy before it really becomes adultery...
2006-10-18 04:24:13 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋