he startes drinking a pint of volka after he wakes up around 4 am. and does not stop until he passes out, then before 8pm when he comes to, he drinks some more. he can't do anything before he drinks, not even brush his teeth, go to the store let alone go to work (5 diff. jobs in less than 9 months). i am worried half to death and angry all at the same time. he won't get help. he blames me for all his problems all of them especially his drinking. sometimes i think he could be right. so now i'm depressed and he doesn't believe me. we have no kids thank God. he recents me because i will not make it easier for him to get drunk. he doesn't get violent and lately he cries everyday at least once a day. it's very sad to watch, he says he cries because i don't care about him. i already sent him to 3 diff. hospitals to get help but he signs himself out without dr. consent (he's 36), i took him to AA, he drank after the meetings then stopped going altogether. now i just feel depress
2006-10-18 04:08:18 · 24 answers · asked by non-curious 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is quite emphatically NOT YOUR FAULT. However easy it may be to blame yourself (at a subconcious level) this situation is not likely to have come about because of anything you did.
From the history you give it sounds very likely that he got accute depression and sought solace in it in alcohol rather than admit to you he had a problem. This is fairly common in men. Similarly his blaming of you for the situation has two reasons to it - the first is that it is simply easier to do this than explain whatever his underlying problem is or (now) admit that he is an alcholic and the second is that when he says hurtful things to you he gets the attention he seeks in your reactions.
However if you love him you will need to do something about this or with that amount of drink he will swiftly kill himself, and you don't want that - you want the man you married back, you don't want a drunk and you certainly don't want a corpse.
So you will have leave him. Since you have tried everything else it is the only option left, but don't worry it's not quite the nuclear option. Leave but don't go somewhere where he can't get hold of you by phone (though somewhere where he can't get hold of you physically is a good idea as this course of action will cause a LOT of initial anger in him). A relative in another state is the best idea.
When you go make it quite clear that this is temporary until he stops drinking and gets help. Once he realises that you've gone and he has no more easy reception for his attention seeking he should quickly realise what needs to be done. If the drink hasn't destroyed his love for you entirely he should then begin to sort things out. Once he does and you're sure he has you can return to help him through it, but you cannot start the process for him other than by withdrawing your presence (and your money).
I hope this does work out for you, but you need to act now to save both him and your marriage. And remember, this ISN'T your fault.
2006-10-18 04:26:54 · answer #1 · answered by a1mandrake 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oooh good Lord you are in a terrible situation. He needs real help but you already know that. He could literally drink himself to death at this point. Could you get him out of the house long enough to drag down to an inner city area and look at the drunks laying in the gutter who are old, unhealthy and gross? Let him know that's where he's headed. Maybe is own ego would get a reality check. In the meantime, STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! Girl you start taking care of yourself.
2006-10-18 04:15:51 · answer #2 · answered by gentle understanding 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i know alot about alcoholism because it killed my father. he drinks because HE has a problem, and its not you. he will try to blame everything and everyone for his problem so he can continue to drink the compulsion is that strong. You can learn a lot about this for yourself if you go to ALANON. It can educate you on whos fault it really is and ways you can try and help the alcholic. It may give you the strength to give him an ultimatum and teach you how to stop enabling him to drink. Enabling is different then causing his drinking by the way.
You are in an abusive situation, and though it hurts very much to watch someone you love hurt like this sometimes, you cannot help the alcoholic stop drinking. He needs to go to AA, but he will never stop drinking unless he has hit bottom. Mabye hitting bottom might mean losing you...either way please go to Alanon and see if they can help you gain some insight into your situation. Good luck.
2006-10-18 05:19:42 · answer #3 · answered by jennyve25 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I feel sorry for you and him. For one I was in a very similar situation, but I had two babies to care for too. You are a victim of his drinking. It is not your fault he choses to drink. My husband was an alcoholic and I lived in denial with that for 4 years, I got pregnant and I was sure he would "change" after the baby was born, but he didnt it only became harder on me. I dealt with it for another 2 years and something really bad happened and I got a "wake up call" I could not continue living like that and my babies didnt deserve to see their daddy hammered every single day. So I left him. I packed up all my stuff and I left. 24 hours went by before he even noticed I as well as the kids and all our stuff was gone. It was hard, I still loved him but sometimes you gotta let the things go that you love so much, and they will eventually return. I told my husband if he ever wanted to see his family again he had to stop drinking and I stuck with it. It took him 4 weeks to sober up and stop drinking. Although after I let him move in with me, he still had downfalls where I caught him drinking, but I made him pour it out. It has now been a year and he is sober 100%.
I dont know if my story helps you or not, but if you love him dont give up, he is sick and needs to know that, but do not put up with him, leave if you have to or tell him if things dont change you will leave him and see if you cant scare him into sobriety. It's sometimes just a matter of willpower to get them to stop drinking.
I wish you the best of luck and that he will come to his sense's.
Prayers will go out for you!
2006-10-18 04:19:57 · answer #4 · answered by Erica 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is not your fault. Know this in your heart. He has an addiction and he is draggin you down with him. Is this all really worth it? I don't care if he isn't physically abusing you he is mentally abusing you which is just as bad. I would let him know he needs to get some help. He sounds like he is suffering from depression first and then using the alcohol to try to drown his sorrows. Something is wrong here. He has to want to get help himself. There is nothing more you can do for him if he doesn't want to get help for himself. If you don't want to wind up in the hospital yourself or in a deep depression I suggest you give it a break for awhile. If he decides to get help and stays sober for atelast a year then maybe consider getting back with him. I personally think it isn't worth all the heartache.
2006-10-18 04:19:07 · answer #5 · answered by hehmommy 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok. Apparently your husband has some serious issues that you may know nothing about that is driving him to drink this way.I would say it has nothing to do with you.You are doing all that you can by trying to get him help.My advice to you is to join a support group that will help you and also give you ways on how to get your husband to get help.It won't be easy, and it will take awhile before you see any results, so hang in there. Best of luck to you.
2006-10-18 04:18:52 · answer #6 · answered by amy w 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He sounds like a typical alcoholic to me. They need someone to blame otherwise they might have to take some responsibility. Alcoholics hate responsibility. It would not hurt for you to go to a support group so you can understand how to help him. We can sometimes be what they call an enabler, without even realizing it. I wish you the best and I will pray for your situation....God knows I went through it too and it wasn't easy.
2006-10-18 04:14:47 · answer #7 · answered by heaven o 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Alcoholics will not admit this is a problem and will blame you or anyone and anything for their drinking. Common. He isn't making the effort. Its hard but it's been done by thousands.
Go find a man worthy of you and your love and talent. Granted you may love him but there will come a time you just may have to let go. Remember...if he flies into a drunken rage and kills you...its manslaughter because "he has a drinking problem but you pushed him to it". What will your defense be to counter that? Oh...I forgot....you're dead.
Get my drift lady?
2006-10-18 04:12:36 · answer #8 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The bad news , like there is not enough, is that you need to remove yourself from the situation.
You are being blamed by him for his disease. Remove his excuse. He will not change until he wants to. He has not bottomed out yet because you are propping him up. Take yourself away and prepared for a life without him because he is prepared to live without you and not without drink.
2006-10-18 04:14:02 · answer #9 · answered by Flagger 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No you arent driving him to drink. Get with AA yourself and prepare to walk away because only he can get himself back on the right track with asking for help. That is not something you can force him to do. Sometimes they have to hit ROCK Bottom in order to climb up.
2006-10-18 04:20:36 · answer #10 · answered by seansmom12 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋