Why doesn't my husband understand me?

Question

Whey doesn't he understand that it is the little things in life that are important? He concentrates more on himself than others. He does not get intimate with those who are closet to him. Instead, he finds peace and solice within and with himself. He spends the vast majority of his time with his hobbies. He says that "this"; ie: married life is overwhelming. He doesn't like all the "things"; ie: responsiblities that come along with it. He says he only likes 10% of me. He doesn't like the little "quirks" about me. He doesn't understand that I want to be "romanced"; winned and dinned. Taken out. He's a "home-body". He thinks that house work are his ways of showing love to me?!!! I say, this is all part of life. Why can't he find beauty in me; my likes and interests...he doesn't seem to understand me---WHY?

Answer 1

I saw this at work and saved the link so I could respond to it after I got home.

First of all, I don't think it has to do with who understands whom.

Lemme explain.

First him, because that's easiest to 'talk' about. This man probably loves you, but he loves you under the covering of what he deems 'love'....simple, and self-centered, and lazy.

Yes, doing things around the house for you are ways of showing someone you care for them, but it goes way, way WAY beyond that. Frankly in HIS case I think it's an excuse given that he's said those other things to you; the 10% and all....that's horrible albeit honest.

I think he's emotionally very lazy! Maybe he is this way physically too. Dunno. His giving love seems to revolve around convenience. If it's convenient for him, he will 'love' you.

No offense!....but he sounds like that typical redneck loser that sits on his a$$ for hours and hours and hours and hours watching freakin' football and spending half his paycheck on bud light. Some people's idea of 'home body' is just another way to say lazy-unmotivated-vegetated-couch-potato.

I don't mean to sound like I'm ragging this guy. I'm not really, but this is the 'impression' I have of him, and I am just trying to be factual of this impression.

Ok, now you.

You're right. Love DOES have a LOT to do with the simple things. How nice it is to hear a female that understand that! I find nothing but idiots here to date!

Anyway, he doesn't 'understand these 'little' things about you sweety because he doesn't want to. He doesn't understand that relationships go thru many plateaus (levels) as they progress. One isn't necessarily higher or grander than the previous one, but sometimes that's the case. But they ARE different, and it does give us new dimensions with which to see the other person.

He doesn't understand that we can reach these new levels in a relationship and still enjoy the peace and enjoyment that he seems to feel he needs to hoard for himself now. His mind is immature, and he doesn't understand how to give to someone. He doesn't realize the rewards of giving of himself and growing with someone. He thinks that once you're married........everything stops, and life is over. You no longer need to put forth effort. She can't cheat, or lie and it's ok to take her for granted. It's time to relax and cruise now. He thinks it's ok to live the 'single' life while still being married, except now he gets laid now and then, and I'm guessing that's no good for you either, altho I could be wrong.

He is what I call married-single. He acts single, thinks single but is married and feigns the typical married activities for the single option instead....except for sex (probably).

He has not accepted the 'life' that goes with being married. He's married to you in body, but not spirit. He has not learned the rewards and fulfillment that comes from sharing one's life with someone. He doesn't put himself into it, so he sees nothing but work coming back to him. You reap what you sew.

This is so clear-cut that it's like being blind to the ground you walk on.

I think the guy needs counseling. You both would need to go, if you can get him to go. He's so brazen with his (hurtful) comments to you, you may not get him to go, so continue with your thought process, for you *have* to have been thinking what I suspect, and I wish you the best of luck with this. You deserve someone that wants to be with you in mind, body and spirit.....not just body.

Be well sweety.

Answer 2

Hmmm. This is something the two of you should have discussed BEFORE you got married, the same as finances and religion and politics. If he only likes 10% of you, why did he marry you? If you knew he wouldn't be intimate, and that he is selfish (not interested in what you want, only what HE wants) why did you marry him? Okay, you need to come to a compromise here now. He is a married man with a wife. He has a RESPONSIBILITY to give up some of his hobbies to spend time making you happy. And you have a responsiblity to give him the space he needs for his hobbies to make him happy. Talk to him and tell him that in order for you both to be happier, you have to work this out. One night a week out together is a must. If he won't compromise, your marriage is in trouble.

Answer 3

They say opposites attract!

Try to remember why you liked him in the first place. There had to be something.

My husband and I have been together 15 years and the only think we both liked then was Budweiser and enjoying life to the fullest. We had a LOT of fun. And now I would say we both like our kids but other than that we don't have much in common either. I like to go out (so I go) He likes to stay home (so he does) that kind of stuff.

We just both have a deep down knowledge that when one of us needs something the other will be there. That is the one and only think I know to be true. For us anyways.

Maybe you can try to find something you both enjoy. Like funny movies or something? Heck I don't know I am having problems of my own right now too!! =)

Answer 4

He does understand you. The trouble is he doesn't agree with you.

His side of the story would be that you want the best of everything including romantic dinners, going out, etc., but his resolve is to make your ordinary house into a home... For the both of you.

He'll claim that you're being selfish.

If he didn't find beauty in you he wouldn't be with you.

Treasure what you saw in him when you married him instead of underlining all the flaws he has that you chose to ignore.

After that ask, "Who's being selfish?"

Answer 5

I have to ask you, why did you marry this man in the first place? If you have so little in common with him, or perhaps you are just venting because you are so unhappy right now, nothing seems right. Take a step and plan a date with your hubby, use his hobbies to lure him out. Plan an evening with all the things he loves to do, and you (if even just for that night) love them too. Maybe you will see a little of the love that used to be there?

Answer 6

you are the one who married him, not me, so I cant tell you what attracted you to him, but I do know this. when people have problems like this AFTER marriage it is because whatever they closed their eyes to BEFORE marriage, because they thought they could CHANGE the person, or that "little" irratation would stop/go away/change, and then it doesnt, and that my friend, is the reason he doesnt understand you KNOW, and it does not mean that either of you are bad people or that you dont love each other, it just means before marriage you did not get to know the *REAL* person underneath, and now the honey-moon phase is over and you may not like the habits of the other person so much as you did before. Get some advice on how to cope with this and talk, talk, talk to each other, and REALLY get to know one another.

Answer 7

Move On, You cant change a man!
If he only likes 10% of you ,you need to find a man that likes 100%. Tell him that, men love women and they love the Quirks that make you "You".
Find one of those.

Answer 8

The two shortest books in the world are "Everything Men Know About Women" and "Everything Women Know About Men". It is just called life; if you were alike as two peas on a pod wouldn't you be bored stiff?

Answer 9

That sounds more like an " I want out of this marriage" situation. You said it yourself, he tells you that he doesn't like the little quirks about you. What does he like? Sounds to me like he is happy being by himself. Married life is overwhelming to him...ask him if divorced life would be better.

Answer 10

You sound like a wonderful woman, why he doesn't pay you the attention that you deserve I don't know. I do know this though. If you want the mule's attention, you must first hit him between the eyes with a board. As for the curve ball, God be with you.