Should my best friend marry this man?

Question

I have a friend who has been in a relationship (the only relationship she's ever been in--the only man she's ever slept with) for 8 years. Hopefully, your answers will knock some sense into her.

They are professionals. He's a pretty decent guy--he treats her well, no bad habits, they enjoy each other's company, etc. But he leaves her wanting emotionally and he has a history of cheating. She's very social and he's not.

They got engaged last May. He was against the idea but agreed to get married after she said she was leaving otherwise. Since then he has got caught fooling around twice. Each time he promises not to do it again and that he's sorry. She doesn't want that to go on and stayed because "it wasn't serious (just sex) and it doesn't mean he doesn't love her."

The wedding is in Feb. and she wants a baby. I say this is all a huge mistake, but she ignores my advise and thinks she will be happy with him. I just don't want her to realize I'm right 5 years from now. Help me!

Answer 1

I agree with you, unfortunately, however, in those who have stupid emotional mindsets (which says nothing about their intellect in other matters) dissention when it comes to relationships somehow strengthens their resolve to follow through with bad life choices. It's reverse psychology, I know. A relationship can be 100% pure organic horseshit, but an intelligent person will persue something stupid if others rally against it, just for the sake of being contrary.

My primary lover has a lot of female friends, and thusly a lot of experience in seeing women do stupid things like your lady friend. It hurts him a lot, but his course of action is generally to minimize the damage--ie; he sits down with his friend, tells them outright they're doing the dumb thing, and says he won't support it and distances himself with the disclaimer of, 'When you decide to stop making these bad choices, I'll be here for you, but I'm not going to sit in the line of fire.' It's hard, and he's had a few pissy femme's scream that they hate him and color the friendship with nothing but bad memories and distortions, but a few of them have actually come around (albiet a few years later) and he's maintained fantastic relationships with them since.

Long story short; I agree with how you feel about the situation, but disagree with those saying 'All you can do is support her' in a be-the-shoulder-to-cry-on sort of way. You can support her by *not* supporting her bullshit, and establishing that to maintain friendship with you, she has to be a person of higher integrity and stronger character.

Answer 2

Yes you are right!! This guy sounds totally bad news. Unfortunately women want to feel secure and usually want to 'grow old' with their first love. Sometimes its the fear that no one would ever love her or be with her like he would. Or perhaps she just doesnt know how to start over again with someone new, especially when she was in a steady rship for 8 years.
Unfortunately, that ba$tard has been caught 2 times already and she's forgiven him, so he would know she's desperate for him and he can do whatever the hell he wants with her and she will keep forgiving him and stay on with him.
You can't really do anything about it, you've adviced her all you could. She's made up her mind on whats more important - him staying with her, getting married with him, and having his baby. He's probably just gallavanting till he's slept with half the city or he's found another girl and dumps her as$.
You could try to tell her about the diseases that he could get and spread it to her AND her children, or try to paint a grotesque picture of how can she not feel disgusted about other women's paws all over him, having sex with him, and what if he "accidentally" falls in love with someone, etc. Or since she's forgiven him in the past, he'll continue doing this and get bolder and perhaps one day he starts becoming abusive etc. Try to paint the worst scenario.
Perhaps that would knock some sense into her. You're a good friend to care so much.

Answer 3

As her friend all you can do is support her with whatever decision she chooses. You can state your concerns but the ultimate choice will be on her shoulders. Be her friend and just be there for her no matter what the outcome.

You can only make things worst by being negative about it now she has already got a wedding date set and it would seem she knows what she is doing since she has been with him for a long time.

Issues of infidelity by the guy is something she knows and seems to have accepted (she must be brainwashed to a degree or suffer from a bit of low self-confidence not to leave) so all you can do is be there for her.

Damn, wrote too much.

Answer 4

Sad,

But that is not your decision to make it is hers.

Since she knows about the affairs and still accepts him, the only thing you can do by being nosy is to lose a friend. Maybe they have an open relationship? (Yuck,,,,but it does happen) If so, she has made her choice, you pointing out the obvious will not change her mind. As her friend, you owe her your opinion, but don't expect her to change her mind.

You can only help those who want help.

I think she is in for a long sad life with this loser as well, but there is only so much you can do, she knows she is marrying a lying cheating scum and has accepted it eyes wide open.

Her morals might not be what you are thinking if she sees an affair as (just sex) either.

You can Pray for her!

Peace!

Answer 5

She's setting herself up for a broken heart down the road! I dont necessarily agree with the statement once a cheater always a cheater but in her case I do. Some people can change but if e has cheated twice since they got engaged I'd have to say he is not going to. But chances are she'll marry him anyway.

Answer 6

Having a child with someone like that is not a good idea. Trust me, I KNOW! I have a child with a jealous cheating spouse. I wish someone else was my baby's daddy every day! A relationship is not going to change because of a birth of a child. It only leaves her stuck home alone to care for the child so he can cheat his heart out and the hopes that will stay because of the child.

Answer 7

You will be right one year from now, just as you are right at this point. The guy is a cheater. A baby would unfortunately, be a huge mistake. "Just sex" breaks the trust in a relationship. How would he feel if she had "just sex" with someone else twice. She needs to move on from this guy, but I doubt she will just at your request. He will have more pull with her than you will. Sorry. I wish her good luck!

Answer 8

The fact is that no matter what anyone say she is going to do what she wants to do. She seems a bit insecure and most likely does not want to be alone so she tolerates her mans unfaithfulness.
One day she is going to wake up and realize she made a huge mistake by marrying him and she will just add to the divorce statistic.

Answer 9

Sadly, no amount of rational advise is going to wake her up if it hasn't already. What she needs to understand is the engagement period is supposed to be the "high" time between a couple. If she has problems now, does she expect them to go away after marriage and kids? She is in for a rude awakening!

Answer 10

It sounds to me like she's desperate for any kind of attention at all, even if it's bad attention. She is going to learn the hard way that adding a baby to the mix is NOT GOING TO FIX THINGS. They will NOT get closer and he will NOT stop messing with other women......and in the meantime, she's going to be stuck with 100% of the childcare. She's delusional if she thinks otherwise.