Me and my husband go around in circles and have the same fight over and over again. The fight is not over something major, but it turns into an exagerated fight. I think we do this because when we try to talk to eachother about this subject (spending quality time with eachother) it doesn't get resolved because we fight about it instead of talking. Therefor, we don't get the matter resolved because when we start fighting we get tired and push the issue to the side, so it can rear it's ugly head at another time.
My question- I was wondering if there is something I can do to better my communication skills with him? I get the feeling that maybe I am attacking him whith questions, or maybe I have the wrong timing, make sense? Please help
And serious answers only please, not ones like Get divorced or have an affair, I need opinions from everyone, married poeple perfferably, or people in exclusive relationships
2006-10-18 02:48:10 · 10 answers · asked by Dre 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Hey girl,
I definately feel what you are going through. There is a serious communication problem there and its not uncommon, its really not!! The thing is, often in relationships, the two reverse questions, reverse responses, and eventually shifts blame back and forth, and THEN it spins out of control!
My advice to you, and it has worked for me:
To open up something that's previously been attempted to discuss:
"Baby, I really am not trying to start a fight, I promise, I love you and I just want to squash this issue...."
Dont begin the discussion with a question, begin with a statement.
Dont do the "you, you, you" at him, he will feel attacked and get on defense quick as hell! (ex."You always do...?" or "Why do you..?" or "Why cant you just...?" Its not his fault, that's just asking for attack mode.
BE CALM THE WHOLE TIME NO MATTER WHAT!!! Dont raise your voice, dont try to talk over him. If he interrupts you, let it go. What I mean is, if you're talking and he starts talking in the midst of your statement, dont react, just simply stop talking, or say "Go ahead". That will let him know that he interrupted you, and most people will tell you to go ahead after realizing it. If he does say "Go ahead" or something along that line back to you, dont go back and forth with the "Go aheads" just finish what you were saying.
I got lots of communication advice, girl, send me a message to talk more! I could go on all day!
Stepping back and checking myself and re-evaluating what's worth it, I have the most peaceful relationship with really tiny bumps here and there. I'm here if you need someone to talk to!
2006-10-18 03:32:22 · answer #1 · answered by Miss DP 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Quality time with each other !! Like I haven't heard that before. Are you asking him about quality time or is he wanting more ? I have been married 14 years and have 4 kids. That is always an issue with us, but hardly ever solved. So many factors to consider. How long have you been married ? A lot of men lose their fire after a while and become complacent. I am going to assume that it's you wanting more quality time. Don't confront him in an accusing way. Try suggesting things to do. Don't call it quality time when you suggest, just try to initiate the plans. Along with my question about the length of your marriage, I am curious if he was like this before ? That is one problem that I had with my wife. I think she thought that marriage was the '' end all '' and that everything would just be perfect. There are a lot of factors in life that can cause this situation. Kids, jobs, school,tasks around the house etc. We get busy and frustrated when there is to much to do. If you start fighting, back off !! As you know, things get out of hand quickly.
2006-10-18 10:05:22 · answer #2 · answered by rock d 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Alot of couples have trouble resolving issues, that causes the same issue to reappear over and over again. My wife and I can usually reach a compromise or agree to disagree. Talk about it when there arent any other issues, start by saying honey I love our relationship but want to make it better. Use terms like WE dont do well at resolving things, I dont enjoy it when WE argue, Id rather spend a night in bed, than a night arguing, Never use terms like "you always, you never, etc", those are an automatic way to make someone defensive because noone always, or never do anything. Suggest that the two of you talk to a counselor about ways you can sove disputes in a positive way.
2006-10-18 10:07:22 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am married. And since the begining of our relationship-we agreed that if one of us gets loud, the other would say nicely lower your voice-let's not get loud with each other. We've also agreed that when one of us curse-we tell the other, "let's not curse at each other", in a nice tone. It may sound silly but it works out. One of you guys have to be the bigger person.
If you truly want to work thinks out with your hubby, you make it happen. Tell him, you love him and you really feel that the way you guys have been communicating with each other-is tearing you apart.
Take turns and make sure the both of you have a chance to hear the other side-even if his side is bull. When you think he's finish, ask him, "Okay, I understand where you are coming from, but Honey, can I tell you how I feel about that?" If he interupts you say, "Baby, I let you speak-now let me. You can tell me what you think when I'm finish making my point."
Couples argue it's normal, heathy even. The biggest thing that you have to remember is that you two love each other when it comes down it. Think about it if you didn't care about each other-you guys wouldn't be making an effort to get through one another. Using, words like "baby," "honey" ect. When making points, will set the convesation on a smooth one. Good Luck! I hope I helped.
2006-10-18 10:03:00 · answer #4 · answered by ladyjo 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I suggest that you sit him down and tell him that you don't want to fight but there are some issues that you need to talk about. If you get mad or agitated - take a deep breath - and then tell him that you don't want to fight because you guys are getting no where. Tell him that the problems you are facing are fixable and that you want to work things out like two adults. If you can't voice your issues - write them down and tell him one by one the problem(s) that can be fixed. Tell him how much you love him and how much you want to make the fights end, the relationship better and increase happiness. I tried this with my husband and when he saw how concerned I was about the issues he acknowledged them and worked to make changes. Try not to be defensive, be open and candid. If he gets angry ask him to take a breath and talk to you not scream at you. You guys are grown and if you value your marriage you will sit down and talk like two adults. Hold his hand, look in his eyes, turn off the phones, no interruptions, talk it out. Come to an agreement. Reward him with kisses, hugs and positive reinforcements.
2006-10-18 09:58:17 · answer #5 · answered by Sasha 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am 47 years old and have been there done that. I finally learned what the problem was. Lack of respect. Have you said things to your husband that you would not say to most people because you would feel embarrassed at your behavior? Has he done the same to you? This is the crux of your situation. Remember your first date with him? How did the conversation go then? Probably FULL of bilateral respect. Get back there and you'll have it.
2006-10-18 09:57:51 · answer #6 · answered by Casinomule 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hi, I am a man so I think that you can't force someone to communicate with you. I live with my brother and he is impossible most of time to hold a conversation with. A lot of guys are just not communcators, so don't think it is something that you are doing or not doing. Let him be and when he is ready or willing he will open up to you. I am sure he loves you, but some people just get bored with life and get into a rut. Hope this helps you, John
2006-10-18 09:54:34 · answer #7 · answered by John W 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
remember together time doesn't have to have talking. watch a good movie go out to dinner. Draw a hot bath and invite him in . buy a new nightie and surprise him. get the picture
2006-10-18 09:52:29 · answer #8 · answered by mac tonight 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My husband and I get into the same thing. 'Free time' is tight around our house.. there's not much of it after dinner, homework and everything else going on. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone on this one. If you get a good response, please let me know! rellimztik_arual@yahoo.com.
2006-10-18 09:52:17 · answer #9 · answered by rellimztik_arual 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
puke
2006-10-18 09:50:46 · answer #10 · answered by chronic_master_bater 1 · 0⤊ 3⤋