How can I be totally committed to him, yet feel hesitant about things?

Question

I am so in love with my husband, and he with me. We have been married for 3 1/2 months. I was with my first husband for 20 years, and never felt anything like this. We like the same things, share the same faith, values, child-rearing ideas, we like the same foods, music, movies, when we make love it is out of this world, we make each other laugh, and we have cried together as well. When it comes to money and material things, though, things get weird. He felt like our house should only be in his name for now, since he was the one who had a down-payment. That was weird. He wants to count the $725 monthly child support that he pays out as a household "bill", but acts weird whenever I spend money on my girls (their dad pays me $400 per week child support). Whenever I bring up money, he gets defensive. His ex screwed him over, and I think that is spilling over into our relationship. He won't go to counseling. Should I go without him? He thinks a counselor will tell me to RUN!

Also, he has joint custody of his three boys. We have them every-other week. We have so much interraction with his ex, that it is making me crazy. She even attacked me one night, because her 5-yr-old hugged me in front of her. She calls constantly, is trying to turn the boys against their dad, like she did with their 14-yr-old daughter, and I feel like she is trying to get rid of me. I don't think she wants him back or anything. She cheated on him, and is still with that man. They will probably get married. I just can't figure out what she wants. We just want to be happy.

Answer 1

Well, first, it’s okay to feel ambivalent about a relationship. There are some wonderful things about each relationship, and some not-so-wonderful things as well; and I think most people have mixed feelings at some level about their partner but choose to downplay some of the emotions so they don’t feel caught in the middle. You are simply being honest about the different feelings you have right now.

Your husband not seeing a counselor isn’t a great thing – it sounds like he could use one – but you can see one yourself, to learn how to cope and how to work on your own life, which will in turn impact your marriage. No decent counselor would look at your situation and tell you to “run,” so if you go to one who does so, I would find a new counselor. Unless there is physical danger or continued abuse of some sort, or the situation seems completely destructive, they know that you need to stay where you are at in order to be able to grow as a person.

While I do not know your husband’s past, I see value in your notion that the money issues stem at least in part from being screwed over by his ex. You’ve only been married 100 days or so; that’s barely any time for the practical issues of life to raise their heads.

Most couples argue over money in some way. It’ll take some time for you to work through this together and get used to seeing each other’s money as “our” money – i.e., shared income. Right now, it sounds like you have an outflow of $325, so if I were to be in your situation, I would simply count it as one bill among many, and deal with other issues (i.e., the kids need something) without continuing to view it as “child support” money. (It sounds like your husband is attaching emotional significance to the money, based on his divorce.)

You figured out that his ex doesn’t really want him back. She really just feels threatened by you – you are her direct competition now. Her biological son hugging you, his “new mom,” is a direct challenge to her role as “Mom” in the family.

Her reaction is predictable. She thinks you’re going to take her place, and she’s being territorial so that she won’t lose her kids. She’s also being mean, maybe because she enjoys the power it gives her and also because maybe she doesn’t know how else to deal with the fear of losing her kids. (People who crave control often act aggressively to avoid confronting their own fear.)

Again, you’ve only been married a few months; it’ll take time for all of this stuff to shake out, for her to decide how to interact with you, for the kids to figure you out and decide how they want to approach you.

You won’t be able to control her nasty aggressive attitude, except by not mimicking it. Do what you believe is right, and treat her and your new kids in ways that show what a kind and giving person you are.

Yes, twisted parents can sometimes distort their children’s thinking; but eventually a kid grows up, gets his own brain, and suddenly realizes that he was manipulated. (I’m hoping your step-daughter will figure this out in a few years.) Kids also instinctively know who respects them as people and who does not, and they slowly respond to that. No kid enjoys someone who controls them all the time, even if they seem compliant for awhile.

So I would just focus on being the best mom you can be right now, as far as dealing with the ex and the kids go.

It’s not an easy situation to ride out, I know. Still, it sounds like you love your marriage and feel very happy right now with your husband; you’ve only been married a few months and still have some issues to work out, from the past; and his ex seems inclined to be a real jerk until things stabilize, at least. Try to limit your time with her without being mean, see a counselor for help if you can, and focus on enjoying your family in the meanwhile as best as you can.

Answer 2

Sorry to hear about your problems. I know that this is your husband and you love him deeply. However, please pay attention to all the red flags. This man isn't showing you respect. Money is a problem in your relationship as well as his ex wife. Your name should be on that house title. Just because you didn't have a down payment is crazy. That isn't a good enough answer. You should pay attention to his ex-wife. What is her motive? Why does she have so much power over your husbands emotions?

You need to write in a journey. Keep track of your feelings. If the only time things are good is during sex then you couldn't be happy. Why does you husband think someone will tell you to run? He knows he isn't giving you the respect that you deserve. He knows that your name show be on the house title. He knows that he should put an end to his ex-wife's harassment. He knows that he needs to be a man and not a wimp. He knows you should leave.

Answer 3

He's just protecting himself. Unfortunately, past relationships do have the tendency to spill over into current relationship whether we're aware of it or not. Money and finances are usually a very sticky subject in most relationships. But you must sit down and have a discussion about it. You must remain calm or he'll get even more defensive. Obviously that will only make the problem worse. You guys can work this out. It will just take a good talk and things will probably be right on track. Be patient with him. He's just scared and worried you're going to screw him over too. Good luck to you guys.

Answer 4

I think that you should go to counseling with him and just assure him that marriages counselers are there to make the marriage work not break it up. also he needs to know that whatever you buy as a married couple no matter whose name its in is half of the others to. So if your house was bought after the marriage then it doesnt matter if its in his name or not. It sounds like he doesnt trust you and didnt believe you when you said your vows to him. He needs to understand that the money you get for childsupport is for your girls. Thats not his money, just as his child support payment isnt your responsiblity either. In order for you to have a healthy marriage he needs to stop looking at you and seeing his ex. Thats not fair to you to be punished for something you didnt even do. Good luck and pray about this. If your religious beliefs are of the bible you can find numerous verses on how a husband is suppose to love his wife like Christ loved the church and about trusting also. He also needs to forgive and forget what his ex has done. Also in the bible. You can't be forgiven unless you can forgive.

Answer 5

Money is one of the major causes of divorce, and it sounds like it might be yours (sorry to be so blunt). If money was a major issue in a past relationship for him, then it is definitely spilling over to your marriage. The reason you feel so hesitant because you probably think that is a flaw in you guys marriage, I honestly think you should fight it and don't let money, something so simple ruin a good thing because it sounds like you guys are made for one another. But money is very powerful, and it can cause drastic situations like yours, and I truly think you need to make him go to counseling, if not counseling you guys need to really talk, not that make up talk, but a heart to heart about money situations. I don't think you should leave him for something so simple, it can definitely be dissolved. you might want to get to the bottom of what happened between him and his ex, and maybe that might be an answer for your problems, but definitely do not give up on the matter. Don't let him get away with acting weird about money, every time a situation come up, you get him into talking to you, and don't stop until he budge. Counseling will definitely help, but sometimes people prefer privacy with personal matters. Don't let a good thing go to waste over something so petty like money; yeah it makes the world go around, but it can also cause destruction. Good Luck!

Answer 6

He is a control freak about the money thing. You know what my second husband was like that . I got so sick of it i left. He has the house in his name . and what happens if he dies? the house will not go to you it will be put up for sale by the mortgage company and you will be left with nothing my dear absoloutly nothing. And you have a right to spend what ever you want on those girls of yours they on yours not his. Yes he wants you to turn over the money that you get to him so he can spend it the way he sees fit to spend it. This is nothing but a mess you need to get a divorce. It is plain and simple he is stingy and money hungry. It will never work. good luck and god bless.

Answer 7

Hey..don't let the money be weird. When you spend money on your girls,treat it as if it were a household expense.Don't bring up the money...let him.If you know you are going to be with him forever,it's ok the house is "in his name". The marriage certificate gives you security.Unless you signed a prenup...it's just as much yours.If you really want something material...don't talk about the cost.Just express how much you want it.When he brings it up,let him feel as though you aren't in control of the money...nor do you care to be. You just want the item. If he acts weird about the things you buy the girls,treat him as though you can't understand why he doesn't think they deserve it.Let him explain and communicate about it.Listen when he talks and sometimes no matter how you want to reply..hold it...think about it...live...and give to your girls what they deserve.

Answer 8

A counselor is a good idea. I would insist that he go with you. A counselor won't tell you to run. He or she will just help the two of you to communicate better. Many couples have problems regarding money. A good counselor will help you straighten it out. Perhaps you could reassure your husband by telling him that you are committed to the relationship and that you plan to stay with him no matter what. Good luck.

Answer 9

If he won't go to counseling, go yourself. You must deal with this. Sweeping it under the carpet will only cause it to get worse.

Answer 10

well i would for sure seek help for him i ve been married 23 yrs and we dated since grade school you have to be perfect together or it will never work if you would like more help with letr me know and i can email you often