I have been with my bf 14mths, I have just found out that his ex gf was his 1st cousin.?

Question

He did not think I needed to know, his whole family have kept this fro me. And to make things worse his uncle, who isactually his ex gf father has just died. I feel betrayed and so angry. I'm just not sure now how to move forward as he is using my past which I honestly told him to compare his own hidden truth and tellingme that I did not deserve to know.Constantly beinghorrible to me and finishing with me and then saying he does not mean it.

After reading numerous answers, the thing that hurts the most is the fact that he lied and concealed this from me, that his past is actually always going to be a part of our future, his uncle that just died is his ex gf's father, everything from 3 wks into the relationship when he told me he had met her whilst giving blood is a lie. How do I know what is real when for 1mths he withheld this from me so easily, what else don't I know.... It's not the actual cousin thing its the deceit.... I love this guy more than I ever imagined I could love anyone.

Answer 1

He sounds like him and his family have got issues. and i am not saying that with disrespect, but its obviously true. Your bf seems very insecure too, i would if i was you, just be on your own for a while, make some time for yourself. Think about where you want to be 10 years from now, what you really want in life. Do you really want to be tied down to someone who doesnt make you feel good anymore or goes all hot and cold whenever he feels like it. Cause i tell you now, you are worth more than someone who wants to play mind games and make you feel guilty for things you aint even done, or stuff taht you had a right to know about. Tell him you want space alone for a while. Go av fun with some girls, or boys, whatever, just do your thing ALONE.

Goodluck and takecare. x

Answer 2

My first serious relationship was with my 1st cousin, tho i have other relationships after that. Nobody knew about him, it is something that I did not regret nor ashamed of, but it is something i'd rather not tell or talk about because of the common norms of "it is not right' ...but...well i haven't met that person that i would share almost everything about me.

If you really love him, his past would shouldn't hurt your present and your future, but if it would always be something to come between the two of you and you won't or you can't move on from it then just tell him what it made you feel and then both of you decide where to go from there.

Answer 3

Keeping secrets is so foolish because they always come out in the end. The fact that he didn't tell you or none of his family speaks volumes - they know that it's wrong. He sounds very immature and I think you have to ask yourself do you really want to be with someone who has lied to you from the start. Ok I suppose he didn't actually lie but keeping things from you is nearly the same thing. What else hasn't he told you? Only you can decide if you can both move on from this. If you do decide to stay together, you have to forget this and move on, if you can't then I'm afraid this relationship is dead in the water. I hope you make the right decision, good luck.

Answer 4

It doesn't matter that his ex was his cousin, that is not the issue here, it is an issue of trust!!! After 14 months he should have trusted you enough to have confided in you!!!!

And his behaviour is a direct reaction of you having found out, he is embarrassed, both by the situation, and because you found out. All he is doing is treating you badly, to make himself feel better, it is called transference. You transfer all the blame, guilt and anger you feel onto someone else - he blames you for having found out and now he blames you for causing a rift in your relationship, when he is responsible for everything that has caused these problems. Using your past against you, and betraying your trust is just a way to hurt you, and so make him feel better. If you can get over his past, there might be a future for you, but if it is too much to deal with just move on, because he will always blame you for his mistakes and will always throw things in your face, guys like this never change!!!!

Answer 5

Struggling to see an enormous problem really, it is not a problem in just about every civilised country (except the USA) for first cousins actually to marry - and if your bf felt that the information would cause you to react the way you have, I am unsurprised he chose not to make it any of your business. See this site for a useful and unbiased view of first cousin relationships...http://www.straightdope.com/ columns/041001.html

Answer 6

My ex gf was my first cousin. Its not a big deal to have crush among your cousins or so. I have told this to my gf & she has no issues regarding this. So pls, dont just leave your bf coz of this. May be he was thinking for the right time to come, to tell you.

Answer 7

if you love him, then you need to put that information behind you and move on for the sake of the relationship, although it is a fair point to say that there should be honesty in a relationship and therefore it should have been brought out into the open earlier, however, that being said if you want it to work then you will need to move on

Answer 8

maybe he just didnt tell u coz he thought u wud tink it was sick and it mite of put u off him, but by the way he is treating u now it sounds like he is just been nasty bout it, u did have aright 2 no, ihate 2 say it but he sounds like awaste of time, after 14m u shud no everything about him what else has he not told u?

Answer 9

That's why it's called sexual relation's , but as evo say's Deliverance spring's to mind , get out of there this bloke's unhealthy .

Answer 10

that is yukky, just the thought of any blood relative yuk x

Answer 11

OK - so there are folks who make a lot of fuss about 'kissing cousins' - but when people are growing up - it is not unusual for an attraction to occur or a 'crush' to happen within children from family branches...Indeed in some cultures marriage to cousins is even common...though genetically can be seen as a bad idea.

It is not a dirty secret, But it may be felt to be an embarrassing one. Your bf evidently did not 'marry' his cousin, or 'have children with her' I guess!! So how big of a deal is it really? Try and get some perspective.

A PAST (note the word PAST) relationship should have NO bearing on the future and the present time that you are togther - stop making your bf feel bad about an episode he is has put behind him, andc evidently already been made to feel awkward and embarassed about.

Just remember - You cannot undo the past - and they 'grew out of' their 'crush' or whatever you like to call it.

The more your innate 'prejudices' and personal views make you feel bad towards your bf for somthing that occurred before you were together the more you seriously endanger the future of your relationship.

It is time to allow your attitudes to mature and to begin to see that some of the realities of the world may 'offend' your sensibilities but when something is in the past - it is 'done' and when it is finished it is 'finished'...

The sooner you come to terms - the sooner you also recognize that families have a difficult time when dealing with grief and loss (which also can cause emotional stress - and out-of-character behaviour - like telling you he is breaking up with you then immediately regretting it) the sooner you will become a supportive gf that your bf will want to stay with.

Always remember - you cannot relive someone's past for them, you cannot make different decisions than the ones they made for themselves in that past time. You can only be supportive now and in the future and accept that whatever mis-judgements (in your opinion) they may have made they are now a different person - because they have chosen to be with YOU!!