what do you do when your husband of 15years cheats on your and leaves you and your 3 children (which are his)?

Question

My husband of 15 years recently left me for some tramp who lives in San Francisco (who knew about me and my children). He has never cheated before and continues to see her and lead me on that there is a chance he will come back to us. He doesn't want me but he doesn't want me to be with anyone else. I am so confused and heart broken. I need to be there for my kids but it is hard when I am trying to mend my own broken heart. He is all I've known since I was 19. I am now 33. This was so unexpected and so out of character for him to do. I am at a loss

Answer 1

Unfortunately it is usually the way it happens. You find out the guy you married turns out to be a beast you never knew. Firstly you need to get over the hurt and get damn mad. He left because he found what he was looking for unbeknown to you. He's leading you on but not because he doesn't want you to see anyone but because he doesn't want retaliation in the form of legal issue that will cost him dearly. So he'll poozzy foot around that issue by being nice. Get to a lawyer and do so fast. The best thing you can do is hit him where he lives (money) and demand everything you can get for your kids. In CA he can't make you sell the house if you have one. Focus on those kids and your work and learn each day to get by without him. He's tied up to a tramp and she'll never be anything but a home wrecker. Hopefully when he's broke from paying support she'll dump him for another desperado and he'll be in a fine fix, no money, no whore and no way to get another. Don't ever make the mistake of taking him back and/or wanting him back. Good luck, take it one step at a time by act and do so quickly for nothing else but the element of "surprise." Let him know in no uncertain terms that he really doesn't know you or what you are capable of when conned.

Answer 2

Its painful when your life partner betrays your trust and lets you down like that - but you must be strong and face the realities of life. No point moping around for your husband's shabby behaviour.

Even if he promises to come back, you should not. If he has betrayed your trust once (he may have cheated before also, without your even knowing it), he can do it again. And where there is no trust, the relationship will not hold together.

He is being selfish by not wanting you to have anyone else in your life so that, if things dont work out at San Francisco, he can come back to you again. Don't allow him to "use" you like that.

Step 1: Be strong and firmly make up your mind that he is no more your husband in the true sense.

Step 2: Get a good lawyer and take him to court for a divorce and child support for all the three children and if you are not working, also your maintenance costs. Be extra sensitive to the needs of your kids, as it must be traumatic for them too that their father has suddenly deserted the family. Try to impress on the children that life will go on as usual and now on you will be their "mother and father" (two-in-one)

Step 3: Get yourself a job if you are not working. If working already, try to get a "work from home PC / cyber cafe" type of job so you can have some side income. This will help fill the gap in expenses (at least partially) that was being contributed from your husband's pay packet till he left

Setp 4: Once you settle down to your "new way of life" look around for a man who will treat you decently and the way you deserve to be treated. Believe me, there are lots of decent men too and just because your husband acted irresponsibly, all men are not cads !

Be courageous and daring - Yes, you can do it.

Answer 3

You're facing a terrible, but not uncommon situation. You're probably feeling kinda numb right now--I know I would. I think you already know the answer, but now to find the courage to act on it is another story. I'm wondering if this is really his first time cheating on you/family. Your so called husband gave up his rights regarding who you see or what you do. It's time for you to move on and let MR. CONTROL FREAK dictate his new sweeties life.

I would start by getting a lawyer and not tell him anything about your plans. (Let him hear it from your lawyer), then he'll know you're serious. There's a good possibility that he will not respond favorably because he's losing control over you and the family he betrayed. If that's the case, have the lawyer get a restraining order.

Some way--somehow, you have to press beyond your feelings and move on with your life, not only for you, but your family as well. Get support from friends and relatives, so that they can help you weather the storm. Often times, in situations like yours, it's hard to make rational decisions. It's OK to grieve. What you're going through is just as serious as a loved one going to rest. I hope and pray all goes well! LOL

Answer 4

I am so sorry that this happened to you and your children.

I can't say that I understand, but you know I can imagine that after trusting someone for so long and if suddenly they betrayed you, it'd be very hard to trust anyone else.

You need to seek the comfort of someone who can offer you the support that you need. Obviously your husband has lost your trust and even if he did promise to come back to you, your trust is broken. There is no relationship that can survive without trust. It'll take time to move on, but you'll have to give him up. He's being selfish to lead you on. Apparently he wants it all; the girl he cheated with and his family. You know what though, it's HIS LOSS. He lost a loving family.

Now make sure that your children do not feel any neglect. Although your husband has left you, you are still living for yourself, for your children.

Chin up you can do it.

Answer 5

Girl, I was in your shoes 4 years ago. I also got married young (17 years old) and was "happily" married for 16 years. We had 2 boys and I thought life was grand until I found out that he had been having a relationship with another woman (who also knew he had a wife and kids) for the last 4 years of our marriage. He didn't want to leave me, but he also didn't want to stay with me. He even proposed once that if I moved to another state, he would come visit me once a month (like I was some kind of whore). Needless to say, I took my boys and moved to another state. The first few months were very scary because I had never been on my own but I quickly realized that I was going to be ok. I actually enjoyed living alone (with my boys) and took advantage of my free time and focused on me. I joined a gym, lost some weight, focused on my boys, and made friends. For 2 years, I was honestly happily single and not interesting in marrying again. Until one day I met a wonderful man. He showed me love like I had never experienced before. Today we aer married and my boys absolutely love him. He's a great guy. Bottom line is that life doesn't end here. Yes it hurts, it sucks and it's not fair...but move on. Don't get stuck here. You deserve better. You'll be surprised how liberating and free you will feel when you finally close this chapter of your life.

Answer 6

This is going to hurt like hell no matter what.

If he comes back, you will still always remember this betrayal. If he never does, you will feel abandoned. If he returns home only to leave again, you will feel like a fool.

And, on top of it all, now you are a single mother of 3 children. Their emotional needs are only going to increase as this situation escalates, but so do yours. And, the person who used to provide you with shoulder to lean on is now the cause of all the pain.

Here is what I found most helpful when I went through this:

1. Surrounding myself with people who were totally "in my corner" (relatives, friends - this is where I tapped into social/religious/craft/women's groups that I had neglected since getting married and being busy with my own family)

2. Having a therapist who "I clicked with"(if finances are an issue, check for sliding fee scales, pro bono or practicum therapists; or many priests/rabbis/pastors/clerics counsel free)

3. Getting a capable lawyer (legal aid can help, women's shelters/sexual assualt centers also may have lists of feminist lawyer who deal specifically with women's legal issues.)

4. Maintaining as civil a relationship as possible with my ex, the new woman, the now ex in-laws and ex-friends (this is for the kids, to make their transition as easy as possible, they didn't ask for any of this, but they have to live with the new reality too)

5. Doing everything possible to create new and happy memories for me and the kids (bake cookies, make snowmen, jump on the bed, tye dye t-shirts, play dress-up, have a race - these things are free or inexpensive, be creative, let the kids help decide)

Now, this is no recipe for painless family breakdown, only things that helped me to survive. Everyday was hard. Some days I wanted to be dead. Others, I wanted my ex and the "tramp" to be dead. Some days I thought I WAS dead! But I had a toddler and a pre-schooler who were very much alive and needed me to be too.

And somehow, over a decade later, we've all arrived safely out the other end. We're somewhat battered and bruised, but we made it. And so will you.

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear that. my ex did the same, he apparently had a lover for the six years we were together, she always knew i existed....i was pregnant the first time i left him, and her led me on to believe we could salvage our marriage, but you all i got from that was another child... we are no longer together i made the decision that i was not just his wife, but a mother most of all.... be strong only you know if is worth getting back.. i believe all women know who their man are and how far they are worth going to.... consider your feelings and expose them to him along with what you want.. time apart helps in a relation, i mean you been with him for a long time.... but encourage him to talk to you about what happened an also not to bring more people in the relation, because the children are the one who hurt the most....
honestly i don't think love of 15 gets erased so easily... once you guys reach a decision on weather or not you'll be together stick with it, it will be less painful in the long run..... again if is any confort you at the end of this situation will only come out stronger and most importantly be with your kids.... family is the best....

Answer 8

I'm sorry that this happened to you. After fifteen years of marriage, you'd think you'd know someone inside and out wouldn't ya? Well, I've been married for fourteen years, and If I've learned anything in my fourty one years I've learned that people including my husband are capable of surprising you. No, my husband hasn't cheated, or at least not that I know of. Ha Ha., but he is only human and cheating is only a symptom of other problems in a relationship. You and your children will survive this, one day at a time. Gather your self-respect and self-confidence and do what you need to do in order to care for yourself and your children. Show your children what a strong woman you are...you will be just fine without him. You can and will find a way to support yourself and your children, but don't be afraid to ask for help in daycare of other ways if you need to. Now is the time when you need your friends and family for support. There are support groups out there for women who are dealing with the stress of starting over after a divorce and dealing with a broken heart. Seek whatever help you need to assure a good healthy start for you and your children. You'll be ok, remember one day at a time...

Answer 9

First of all you have every right to be confused and hurt. Secondly it's not your fault, you can't control what someone else does. Thirdly while it would be "movie like" for things to work out, it would be most likely best for yourself and your children to let it go and move on with you life. It will not be easy and you will have to go through so much pain letting go, but if he would cheat and risk losing you and your childrens love and respect for a piece of booty, you don't need him. Take time to find out exactly who you are now that you are not a teenager, spend extra time with your children that you would have wasted wondering what he was up to and thinking. Life is too short!!!

Answer 10

There's nothing you can do to, or for, him, nor should you try to get back together with him. He made a commitment to you and now the contract has been broken. Whatever happened between you two, he's changed and has chosen a different path, for whatever reason, and regardless it is no reflection on you as a person, only on him. All you can do is keep moving forward. He has to pay child support, alimony, and take care of the kids, and you have to get a job and make money to support yourself and your kids.