Why is it so damn hard to leave my verbally/emotionally abusive husband when I know that I need too?

Question

I am a severely verbal and emotionally abused woman. Married 8 yrs, 13 yrs total. Kids 6 & 4. He has called me everything from stupid, fat *** *****, worthless ************, you ain't ****, sorry *****, and I don't mean **** to him. He will say that he doesn't care about opinions or feelings. He also wishes that I drop dead either from diabetes or a car slamming into me. His father and brother cursed me out and he defends them . Our house is almost in foreclosure while he spends money on ebay everyday buying sports figurines and clothes and doesn't want to buy me clothes hardly. Gives me only $60 a week and I have to buy my gas,food( he only buys me dinner food), etc. He brings home $900 a wk. and I can't touch the money( transfered the money from joint acct. to a new acct). We could go and live with my mom . I'm not working currently. How do I just let go of this miserable marriage for my kids and myself? I feel physically ill and anxious most of the time(rapid heartbeat) now.

He also has porn issues and is a closet drinker( not an alcoholic though). he has a secret p.o box for his porn and has joined sites like yahoo personal and others and says that he's legally separated and looking for a hard working, slim, woman and see where it goes with htem in the long run.

Answer 1

How do you get to this point when you know damn well he is not worth the space he takes how do you let him treat you like this what is wrong with you ..don"t you care about you and your kids this man is sick in the head i would run as fast as my feet would take me lose this low life creaturenow...you should throw him the hell out..he is making you ill and you are letting him ...........take charge of your life now sureilll

Answer 2

This is a very tough situation and ONLY YOU can figure out the answer. I was in a very similar relationship and we were married, I filed for divorce because I felt that was the best decision for me and my children. Not only was my husband emotionally and mentally abusive and very insulting to me, he was also an alcoholic and he has bi-polar disorder which he refuses to get help for either. You really want to make sure you want this, because once you are divorced, that's it. So, I would weigh everything out for carefully...If you really do want to leave, I would separate first and maybe give him a chance to try and change and see a counselor with you. I separated from my husband for almost a year, and we did counseling for 8 months, but due to the fact that he wanted to show up when it was convenient for him and not talk about what he was doing wrong it the marriage---only pointed the finger at me...therefore counseling didn't work for us. But I would definitely continue to go to counseling by yourself. Good luck!

Answer 3

Oh honey, i just left that. It was the hardest thing in the world i have ever done. He tore my heart out, and fed it to the dogs, he has isolated you from everything or anything that means anything to you hasnt he? I bet right now, if u went to the sink to turn on the water, you would forget what u came to do by the time u got there wouldnt u? My heart breaks for you. But here is the cold hard truth. Walk away, and walk away now. Take the kids and get! Whatever your resources are, now is the time to use them. U will feel like the most cold and alone person in the world. And it will take a while....approximately a good month, but then you will begin to get your head on straight, and you will see clearly. Put your priorities in focus right now. Mine are Family, Home, Job. Never lose sight of them. Mend ur broken relationships with your kids and your family, and ur friends. Draw from their strengths..Your kids need u more than ever. Make a nest for you and your kids....a place u feel comfotable coming to. Get a job, if only part time, to feel productive, and build self esteem, not to mention, get ur mind off of it for a while...when ur head clears, u will realize u never want to be there again. u will never want to be controlled again at the hands of another man. There are far better men in this world waiting to love someone as special as you. Take time to get to know yourself again, and how beautiful a person u are. Fix up, smell good, and let the world remind you of that beautiful smile they havent seen in so long. In the last 20 minutes i just attempted to have a conversation with this monster i just seperated from, and i love him, dont get me wrong. But the conversation was impossible, it was all about everything i had done wrong, to ruin his life...And i thank God, that I am now the one in control of me. And i know i could never go back there again, as hard as that decision is, i know. Not even for a taste of the wine....I am here if u need me. And by the way, i make it financially now better than i did before the seperation. You can do it too!

Answer 4

You can't leave because he has stripped away your self confidence. He has made you completely dependant upon him. You are afraid that if you leave you will not be able to support your children the way they are used to being supported or at all. But, most of all you are afraid of being alone. He has put this fear into you. And he has worked very hard at it for the last 8 years. Even though he prospers, you do not.

Until you finally realize that you are worth more and that you are CAPABLE of taking care of yourself and your children. You will continue to live in this misery. Yes, it is misery. You hope that it will get better. Or you may know that it will not get better but you keep telling yourself, I'll wait until the kids are older, I'll wait until I get a job, I'll wait...I'll wait...I'll wait.

Guess what? The convenient time to leave will never come. You will wait. But, it will never come. You have to make up your mind to not settle for this kind of life another day. You are getting older. You have waisted years of your life with a man that has a casual disregard for your wants and needs. And he always will. You have settled for that fact. And you have started to believe it.

You truly have no idea how unhappy you really are right now. You won't realize it until you are happy. Believe me when I tell you that you would be happier struggling from paycheck to paycheck, living in a small apartment, and truly enjoying life. But, this isn't something that any of us here on yahoo can tell you. This is something that you are going to have to discover on your own. I sincerely hope that you are able to find that place soon.

Answer 5

There are a lot of reasons for you to be feeling that way. I think that no matter what the reasons are, you should summon the courage in you, take your kids and leave. You are already losing your health, losing your self-esteem, and losing the taste of life. He doesn't deserve you, and of all, your kids don't deserve a low class father. my friend's mom is abused in the same way and is still married to her husband. It has been 25 years already. The mom took all the s*** so that her kids don't grow up to be emotionally ''missing something''. However, the girl thinks that the mother should have left the father. My friend feels guilty for her mom's suffering. She feels that she is the reason for all the pain and grief. I know that you don't want that to happen to your kids.
from another angle, think about yourself. You are a wonderful mom for not leaving your kids, and for not leaving the household to crumble on his immature head. You deserve a better life of strength, health, happiness,and a new family perhaps. Nike would say: JUST DO IT :-)
GOODLUCK...

Answer 6

That's sad. Ever heard of toxic relationship. Lethal lovers or poisonous people can make you sick.There's a medical research in the field of psychoneuroimmunology reveals that our attitudes, emotions, moods,beliefs and behavior play a keyrole in function and dysfunction of our bodies. In our homes, workplaces & personal environment , our negative reactions to other people can predispose us to ill health.
It's sad that you are living with an abusive husband. Apparently your unhappy marriage is causing you more harm than good. Unless your husband would be willing to work it out, you'll gonna suffer more physically, emotionally& financially. As much as we hate the idea of divorce, but staying in marriage with an abusive husband doesn't make life easier either. There's too much stress and you've reached poisonous levels of toxic emotions which needs to let go.
Get a job so you will be able to support yourself. Give him an ultimatum. If there's no changes, do what is best for yourself and your kids.

Answer 7

I am some what experienced in this kind of treatment, only I had physical abuse also. I held on for many years inly to have it end anyway, He found a girl that is half our age and is into guys and girls. You can not leave because you are not secure in yourself. You need to get out and do it now. Do not let life pass you by, it goes fast enough. Good luckand be happy with yourself. The best you can do is be happy, this will make him notice what he is or has lost.

Answer 8

Why is it hard to leave him?
1. You are unwilling to get a job, and walk away.
2. With him in your life, you know exactly what to expect. The unknown (a real life, $ of your own, and a shot at happiness is too scary).
3. Your self esteem was shot out of you years ago.
4. You like pain.
5. With no education, you cannot support yourself and your children.
Advise:
Leave the household, leave the kids with him. They will survive with their father. And they will forgive you later. Get on a plane, leave the area. Find a woman's shelter in another state. Get a job. Go back to school. Get into therapy for 5 or 6 sessions. Agree to return only if therapy is in the deal. Otherwise, plan a nice future without him.

But you won't do that, because you like the pain tooooooo much. And sadly, there are people like you out there. And he will continue to treat you this way because he figures he has you trapped. (We'll leave out the fact that he is one miserable human being, and he is not capable of happiness either....)

You can only be a door mat if you are willing to allow it to happen. There are all sorts of organizations out there to help you. But first, you must help yourself, and that means to leave --- alone.

Answer 9

This is how you leave...You remind yourself that this is the example that your children are watching. If girls, they are learning that women take abuse from men. If boys, they are learning that men abuse, and show no respect for, their wives. Do you want your kids to grow up like that? Show them that women do NOT live where they are not respected and loved. When he goes off to work, pack up and leave. Stay with your mother for a few days and find a job, a place to live and childcare for your kids. Get an attorney and file for child support from your husband. Good luck, and God Bless. You deserve better. Anyone does.

Answer 10

That is such a hard thing, cause i think women were born to love so much no matter what the dogs throw us. I know how hard it is. if you keep allowing your children to see you treated like this they will think it's OK and they will start to treat you the way you allow there dad to treat you. You should want more for yourself and your kids you probably deserve more. Take the power away from him, shock the hell out of him ,and show him that he hasn't taken your self esteem your dignity and your confidence show him that you don't need him. Even if none of this is true ,try i bet you you'll shock the hell out of him cause he thinks he owns you.

GOOD LUCK!!!