Why is it a bad descision to cohabitate before marriage?

Question

I hear a lot of things about how couples who live together before they get married usually get divorced more and have unhappier relationships, why? Do some couples cohabitate and then have happy marriages?

Answer 1

We did and we're still happy and married.

9 years = living together
22 years = married

Everybody is different....it depends on the people involved.

Answer 2

The reason it's a bad idea to cohabitate before marriage is because you are essentially moving in and acting married with someone who has made NO permanent commitment to you. You will be on good behavior for awhile, but you can still both act single because you are. You are not really a committed couple. You are pretending to be in this permanent relationship which isn't. You don't have any of the marital rights. If your sweetheart is hit by a bus and taken to the hospital, you have to find his mother or father to say if he should be taken off life support. You are only his "friend" and have no say whatsoever. If you are married, you are the spouse and have ALL the say. If you want to cohabitate, I think it only makes sense once you have become engaged and are planning the wedding. Then, you do have a commitment to be a couple and you both act that way. I think there are probably some happy couples who lived together before marriage and are still married. They are the ones who moved in KNOWING they would eventually marry, and they started off from day one acting like a couple; not two singles. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

Some do okay. I've heard that one of the key things is the mutual understanding of what the cohabitation means before getting into it, then nobody changing their mind about it. For example, some folks want to live together to check out their compatibility before getting married. In other words, they've basically decided to get married. Living together like that can be a trap. Often once they get settled, one of them (okay usually the guy but I don't want to annoy anyone here) finds themselves happy with all their needs met, and since there was no official engagement to begin with, time marches on, then tends to drag, for the person for whom marriage was a priority. So if I were to cohabit for this reason, I'd have a deal: engagement after one year, marriage within one year after that. Otherwise, we split up. (I got caught in this situation the one time I cohabited... can you tell?)

But some people cohabit because they don't believe in marriage. If both really believe this, and understand fully what they're giving up as well as what they hope to gain, it can go rather well. This can work well for very progressive types (I knew some old hippies who insisted on not marrying). They need to plan for contingencies: next of kin, power of attorney, wills, how will children be handled, and they should put all of that (and more) in writing.

The divorce rate for prior cohabitors is only slightly higher, and I think that's the group who think they can breathe new life into a dying relationship by getting married, and because it's easier than splitting up. Of course, they're wrong. :-)

Answer 4

I'm sure there are some couples who live together and go on to have happy marriages. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have lived together for 20 years and they are as committed to each other as a married couple. I think in a lot of cases where a couple lives together first, the man thinks, "why buy the cow if I can get the milk for free?" So many of the questions in this category are from women who've lived with a guy for 4 years or more and he's still stringing her along on the marriage committment.

Answer 5

We lived together before getting married, but we were engaged and the wedding was less than 6 months away.

I think living together a long period of time might make the wedding be a goal that might take longer to happen, or never happen. Living together for a short period, or even while engaged should not be a problem.

It's different for everyone, but that 5 or 7 year "itch" happens whether you are married or not, so maybe that's why it seems couples who live together for long periods of time break up after marrying. They already have that much time invested in the relationship.

Answer 6

How long have you been together? If you recently met, don't do it, get to know that person before you get into a mess. Have you two spoken about marriage? The only good thing about it is that you get to know the person he really is and is going to be. Maybe after living together you guys realize that this isn't going to work or it will. On the other hand, have you heard of the saying "Why pay for the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" Think about it. It can be true.

Answer 7

People who cohabitate have a 50% per cent higher divorce rate than those who don't.
Why - numerous reasons: perceived loss of freedom when "committed." Nothing gained. Reality of who one has married. Guilt. Second guessing.
Some cohabitals have a glorious marriage. No rule applies to all. Don't forget marriage counseling. I am a counselor and have gone through 4 cycles during our married years - each helpful and w/ different counselors.

Answer 8

There have been studies done on this subject and the findings have been that more divorces come from marriages where there was cohabitation prior to saying I do.

The old saw says it best: Why buy the cow, when the milk is free? Most men get very comfortable with the cohabitation and are not motivated to take it to a more committed level. And face it, it is much easier to leave when there is no legal paper involved.

Answer 9

The biggest problem with life is that too many people think they know best when it comes to giving advice. That said I will now give you some good advice. Do what you think is best for you and your partner. Life has its ups and downs. I am often reminded of that famous quote from Forest Gump the movie "Life is like a box of chocolates & you don't know what your gunna get." it is so true. You can plan your road map for life, but it may have a few detours along the way, some bad some good. So do it or don't do it just don't expect other people in this forum to know the right answer for you personally!

Answer 10

Actually, I believe the opposite of what you said. I feel it would be likely to end in divorce if you DON'T live together at least awhile before getting hitched. Living with someone, you see their annoying little habits (yes, WE ALL have them!) and other undesirable traits that might not be visible unless you're around them 24/7. Although, I think if you love someone enough and decide this is the person you want to marry and spend your life with, it is possible to work through these things, even if you don't live with them before the marriage.

It may be a bad decision to live together before getting married if it goes against your morals and/or religious beliefs, if that's the case, think about what's most important to you. Don't throw your beliefs aside to do what society feels is acceptable, do what YOU feel is acceptable. :)

Answer 11

Cohabitating always leaves the door open. The relationship doesn't have a sense of permenancy. In the back of your mind you know that your are not committed and thus not as willing to work things out when there is a problem. The better or worse thing doesn't apply.