So, in women's studies class today, and in my current relationship, we were discussing men being more dominant in conversation/relationships. For example, my guy tends to interrupt me, but when I do it, it's "obnoxious." Also, if I am the aggressive one in the relationship, its "Smothering", and he has to be the aggressive one. Now, hes a good guy, and I honestly dont think that is how he thinks, to be dominant on purpose, rather how he was raised, and society itself. Is it best just to move on from relationships like this, even if you care about the person deeply, and find more equality, or is there some way to approach this issue, something to read, etc. It has gotten to the point where being more submissive, (only in little ways like the above mentioned) is the way to make the relationship work...We are clearly equal in the main ways...Any thoughts, comments? No rude ones, please, only thoughtful ones. Thanks so much!
2006-10-17 10:22:15 · 12 answers · asked by musicgurl1 3 in Social Science ➔ Gender Studies
If this 'minor' control issue feels like a problem right now then believe me it will become a 'major' issue if and when the relationship develops into a permanent one called marriage. If this is a problem that makes you feel uncomfortable right now, then find a way to work it out. Is submitting to being less than His equal acceptable to you? If so, you don't really have a problem. But if equality within the relationship is an important issue to you, then confront it now and fix it, or move on to another relationship where you find what you need in a relationship. Are these little ways of having to be submissive really 'little' in your book? I would be highly concerned that the little ways will grow into some major issues of submissiveness later on. Personally I am quite often submissive to my hubby in order to keep peace in the house. That's fine with me to a point, but it's not fine for everyone. Only you know what makes you feel good about You!
2006-10-17 10:42:21 · answer #1 · answered by sistervoodoo2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're pretty dead-on in your description, and all I can tell you from experience (I'm 48), there WILL come a time when you are tired of being just "a little bit submissive" to your male partner. When you start to assert your power (not exactly the right word), your guy will be confused and probably be angry and hurt. You've been going along with him for all these years...what happened?!
I think I'm better suited at home for being more submissive (at my job, no way!), so being this way has been comfortable for me; I haven't regretted being the "one who gives in." However, if the man I am with now weren't okay with me asserting myself sometime (and respecting it), I'd be miserable.
So, to answer your question, if your guy now is as you describe, he's not likely to change and one day you will have had enough of being "the good girl." If you can't talk openly with him about it (my husband and I do...he's my second...I did better this time!), you may want to consider moving forward!
Good luck. You are a thoughtful person.
2006-10-17 11:38:14 · answer #2 · answered by dashelamet 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to him about it first. It may be that he's not even aware of how he's treating you. Sit him down when you're each relaxed and you have a few minutes and bring it up. I wouldn't bring up the Women's Studies class, in case he is the type to have an attitude better suiting the Middle Ages, but you should discuss it with him. If he doesn't make an honest effort to change, though, or if he belittles your concerns, you may want to give him up. After all, if you are feeling disrespected and he won't make an effort to change that, you don't need him.
2006-10-17 10:40:22 · answer #3 · answered by random6x7 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you talked to him about it? If you have, then you probably already know the answer to the question.
I have been married for 10 years, and am still learning things that my wife thought I should have known years ago. If you care about this guy then share your feelings with him. You may be making assumptions that aren't true, and he may act the way he does because he doesn't know that it bothers you.
Guys are not receptive to signals, or expressions. If you want him to know how you feel, you will have to tell him. Use short, simple phrases and don't explain your feelings. If you catch yourself taking a breath in your sentence, you have exceeded his attention span by about 10 seconds.
"What do you think when I interrupt you?" Do you think I am the dominant one in our relationship?" "Do you mind if I interrupt you when we're talking?"
Short questions, and don't expect involved answers.
Good luck!
2006-10-17 10:46:11 · answer #4 · answered by John C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it's his fault that he feels he has to be more dominant. Think about it, men are raised to have the upper hand; they're suppose to be macho, the man of the house. It's not his fault as much as it's societies. Society has labeled us to be the barbie, the trophie and men to be the strong ken, the protector, the leader of the opposite sex. If you care about him and you want it to work out, then talk to him about it. If he cares about you, then he'll take into consideration what you say and hopefully notice that he does do it and change.
2006-10-17 15:23:28 · answer #5 · answered by Eaglegirl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have often been referred to by guys as being "Strong willed". You have to try out different relationships. My husband lets me be the "boss" most the time when it comes to little issues. The big ones we decide together. Unfortunately a lot of men have an issue with strong women. Its not always their fault, its a society thing.
2006-10-17 10:37:47 · answer #6 · answered by jessica s 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is he from a large family?
I am, and conversations were often unruly---the best way to be heard was to interrupt. Maybe he acquired this behavior in such a way. (that would also explain why he does not recognize it as rude if HE does it, only when YOU do it.)
I would talk to him calmly and rationally, and let him know in no uncertain terms that the behavior hurts you.
Just my thoughts...
2006-10-17 10:32:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
As others have pointed out, this is a common dillemma. Over time you may get very angry, behave unlike your polite self, just to get thru to him. It is debillitating, can affect your response to everything in your world. Your personality can get very bitchy. Try explaining, see if you get results, there are great guys here and there.
2006-10-17 14:20:45 · answer #8 · answered by desertflower 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is called testosterone and it will dominate at all costs. Some thing like one of the Alien movies.
2006-10-17 11:22:18 · answer #9 · answered by bocasbeachbum 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His treatment of you could worsen. If I was you I would leave before he becomes controlling. It could eventually become an abusive relationship.And you might not be able to get out of it then. Be very careful.
2006-10-17 10:35:18 · answer #10 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋