Her family comes first?

Question

I have been married for 10 years and my wife makes me feel like I am second to her family. I explained this to her the other night (for those of you that read my previous question that was last night, this was a few days ago) in a manor that was not accusatory but just sharing how I feel. (We try to have an open dialogue) Well she kind of got an angry look on her face and that was it, she didn’t say anything. The problem is for the first five years we went to her parent’s house every Saturday for lunch as well as her sister showing at our apartment five days out of the week and calling twice a night. Her sister is married now (Thank God) and does not drop by however she calls all the time. Maybe this should not bother me but I am sick of being an extension of her family when we should be our own. Also when it came time to do the holidays with my family her first question is always, “How long do you think we’ll be here?” I’m like until we leave (Frustrated). I never put her in that position and I don’t think it is fair for her to do that to me. I would love to pack it up and get away from both of our families but we both have great jobs so that is not an option. Well I am not looking for options; just want to know if this is how it is. My Aunt told me before I got married “You don’t just marry the girl you marry the family” I did not get it back then but I sure do now.

Answer 1

it kinda sounds like shes taking it a little too far. i always believed that when your a child and growing up your family came 1st. But when you get married, your spouce becomes your family and that person is then put 1st and after you have children they come 1st and spouce comes 2nd. (but with no disrespect of the spouce kids should always come 1st). I really do feel for you. I started to go thru that with my husband but i flat out told everyone how i felt. they got mad for a while but soon got over it and everything was alright after that

Answer 2

You basically hit the answer on the head, which is to move away, but you feel that is not an option. You don't mention having any children? I think if you had a child things would change. For a male you appear to be sensitive. Females do not respond well to men like this. What is your wifes parents marriage like? Who is in control? Whatever the answer is to that question, it may also correctly depict the type of marriage your wife wants. Be stronger than you appear to be. Don't allow her to dictate anything to you. Typically when a male marries a female the female spends more time with his family than hers. In your case it appears to be reversed. You are dealing with a problem that should have been dealt with before or shortly after your marriage. Now you are paying a price for being weak. Sorry but it's that simple. I would not be surprised if you are or soon will be having an affair.

Answer 3

Check your wedding vows- there is a clause in there that says "...and forsaking all others.." which means that you are exactly right. You and your wife are your family and anyone outside of that comes second. She should help her family in times of need, but only with your permission. Likewise when you need to support your family, you should obtain her permission.

My cousin had a similar circumstance where he married a woman that has a twin sister. Because they had an inseparable bond (as most twins do), this caused his marriage to suffer. Things were OK at first but over time his wife would always consult her twin sister over decisions that they had to make as a couple. The sister was starting to become the 5th wheel and he could not stand it any more.

I think that somewhere along the line, as a society we have lost touch with the meaning and rules of marriage. When someone gets married, they are supposed to become one. When you are married, your life is no longer your own. You and your spouse belong to each other and every decision you make has to be on one accord. Your wife's priority is on YOU, her spouse. If she gets time to tend to the needs of her sibblings, then thats different. But she has no business neglecting you for the sake of the family that she left.

Answer 4

If it's that big of an issue I would suggest counseling.

Obviously her family is extremely important to her so any criticism on your part she'll probably get defensive about right away. Sometimes it helps for a person to get perspective on a situation when it comes from an independent 3rd party.

You have tried talking to her and it obviously isn't working so you might need to take it a step further by getting to a counselor.

If she refuses you'll have to find a way to get it across to her how important this is to you. Unfortunately most the ways I can think of (a taste of her own medicine) might drive a wedge further between you two.

Answer 5

Sounds like your wife has an very close relationship with her family. You really are in a tough situation and yeah your aunt is defintely right. I think you should broach the subject again. It really sucks that you cant move to another place. Maybe there is some reason that she is really attached to her family and also she didnt say anything when you told her how you felt that says a lot.

Answer 6

Well u do marry the family, but they way u are being treated and the way your wife is acting is not cool, have u talked to her about this let here know that you see it as a issue and that you need to work together to resolve this issue, 1 of the big relationship killers is communication, maybe something happened that you are unaware of and maybe you guys just need to talk it out, you should be able to have your family and her family in your life freely. U don't want to be with someone who doesn't value and take in your family unless they have done something horrible to her that you don't know about. I hope I helped. Just remember communication is the key to a lot of problems solved.

Answer 7

Ten years...
It seems that you've demonstrated to her that it's all ok with you everything that she do when it comes to her family in all those years. As if she finds more comfort from her family than from you. It's pretty bad. Her family should serve as a support for her if not for both of you as husband and wife, but not a competitor especially in your relationship. As if you feel you don't have privacy while her family's closely attached to your "home". It's either you strongly suggest for her to stick into your "home" or you'll be stuck in that situation for the rest of your lives. It's not that you're restricting her from her family but it's the attention that really matters, isn't it? She married you. Therefore, she should prioritize you.

Be well, my friend.
^__^

Answer 8

I completely understand what you are going through, or at least my husband does. I used to be the same as your wife, but then I learned that I was being selfish. Some families tend to have a closer relationship than others and they want it to stay that way. My husband and I now live a thousand miles away from both of our parents (our moms live six miles apart) and we have a great arrangement for when we do go home. We stay nights at his mom's house because she has room for us to stay and we spend part of each day at my mom's house. At first I didn't like this situation because I prefer my mom to his mom, but after my husband pointed out that it wasn't fair and that his mom likes to spend time with us too, I had to think about it. He told me that I was being selfish and that I needed to be fair to his mom. That came as a slap in the face to me. Maybe you should ask your wife why she is always wanting to spend more time with her family. Does she feel comfortable at your parent's house? Ever think about suggesting that she spends too much time with her parents/sister? What you need to remind her (the same as what my husband had to do with me) is that YOU are her family and YOU should come first. She needs to realize that she married you and you should come before anyone else. I used to talk to my mom at least once a day. After we had the talk about me being selfish I now only talk to my mom a couple of times a week. It works out better because I have a better relationship with my husband. We don't fight nearly as much and both sets of parents are happier.

Answer 9

Family is important!

As long as they aren't trying to interfere in your relationship or trying to break you up then I don't see a problem.

I also think asking "how long will we be here" is a fair question.

Does she not like your family? You should respect the fact that she is close to her family. Taking her away from her family will not make things better. She will only resent you for it.

"I am sick of being an extension of her family when we should be our own" Do you think she should stay away from her family now that she has you? That is a selfish attitude.

Unless there is more to this story I think you should quit being so selfish. I only wish my family was that close.

Answer 10

Look...

I only had to read the first few words of your paragraph to understand what your problem is. Your're weak, you aren't a leader and are in the type of relationship that pleases liberals greatly: the "equal one" where a man and a woman are like two kings in Rome. Live with it. I don't want to even try to help you.

Maybe if you suffer long enough with this, you'll learn.