Friend or not?

Question

I have a friend that recently got angry with me, I wasn't really sure why. This person has some issues with anger management and depression. I gave her a coulple of days to cool off and then called to try and work things out. She went totally crazy and started yelling and telling me I was a horrible person. I told her I couldn't talk to her when she was acting that way, said goodbye and hung up. The phone continued to ring for the next ten minutes then, she left a horrible message on my voice mail and two days later I recieved a two page letter detailing all my faults. She told me the only reason she was friends with me is to help me change my behavior so I can be a better person and that if I should want her help to call her. That was 4 months ago and I really don't care to have anything to do with her, but our mutual friends tell me I need to be friends with her and should work things out. What do you all make of this and what would you do?

Not sure why she is mad at me, when I ask what was wrong she started talking about stuff that just didn't make sense. I am not perfect by any means, but I was willing to listen to rational conversation.

Answer 1

You can do better than that. Sounds like a very negative and manipulative person. Did she even apologize? A big red flag is the statement about wanting to change you. Tacky!

Answer 2

First up, you need to find a definition of "friendship" that works for you, one that you are comfortable with and can stand behind. Someone who doesn't appear to like you (long letters detailing your faults, messages saying that the only reason she's hanging around you is to help you change your behavior, yelling) probably isn't really a "friend."

Friends like you, enjoy your company, want you to grow, be healthy, succeed in whatever way is meaningful to you. They want the best for you and do what they can to support your efforts to be your best self and live your best life.

Now your mutual friends say you "need" to be friends with this person? Why? What need in your life would that relationship fill? Unless there's more to it than you've said, this relationship doesn't seem pleasant, let alone enjoyable or supportive.

You know this person has issues with depression and anger. In all likelihood, until she deals with this problems, you aren't having a relationship with her - you're having a relationship with her illness. It's up to you whether the relationshp is good for you, or one that you want to continue - there's no right or wrong choice here.

If you do decide to continue the relationship, you need clear boundaries so that you don't end up accepting behavior that's hurtful. You handled the problem beautifully - you don't have to sit quietly by while someone treats you any old way they feel like treating you. Saying "this isn't working for me" and hanging up when she started screaming at you was very mature and smart.

If you don't want to have anything to do with her, then that is your choice, and real friends will respect your right to choose for yourself. If you see this person again, be polite, but don't get sucked into drama. If she decides to get help and you decide you want to be supportive, that's great - but that's entirely your choice. If you do, keep your boundaries, because it's clear this person doesn't have good self control. Good luck!

Answer 3

no. i wouldn't even try. tell your mutual friend you appreciate her concern. but you will not ever be friends with this woman because of the way she treated you and the things she said. no matter how sorry she may feel....you might be willing to sit and talk with her to straighten it out and clear the air if she desires, but you choose not to have her as a friend. ask your friend to respect your decision. tell her you are not asking her to stop being friends with her. and if she can get a great friendship going with her you are happy for her, but this is how you feel. and you see no possibility of this ever changing in the near future.

Answer 4

I'd carry on without her she obviously has issues and i wouldn't even call her a friend if this is how she carries on and a mutual friend should stick to being a mutual friend as you said it's been 4 months now and why should you make the first move to be friendly if she can't be bothered.

Answer 5

OMG! That is absolutely the WORST thing a friend could do! A true friend would NOT treat you that way. Obviously she is jealous or just wants to make you feel bad to make herself look good. Try to work things out calmly for a while. If that doesn't work, then there probably just isn't any hope.

Answer 6

ya know someone that is gonna flip out like that. and treat you that way really is not worth taking the time to be there friend because ya never know what there gonna do next and how dramatic its gonna be. There are alot more people out there to bo freinds with that will treat you a whole lot better and actually understand and be there for you no matter what.

Answer 7

If she were your friend she would at least be willing to hear your side of things. I would just forget about it. Don't let your other friends push you into a relationship with her-she sounds nuts. But, then again-I haven't heard her argument against you either. You'll make friends with other people I'm sure, so I'd forget about this one.

Answer 8

I think that the girl is crazy and I would not have any thing to do with her, but it's your choice though. If you decide to be her friend than hopefully she has changed and gotten some help.

Answer 9

I think you have to make up your own mind about what to do no matter what other mutual friends say.
If you don't want to have this former "friend" in your life, then don't
true friendship is not based on how we THINK we can CHANGE another--it is loving that person no matter what and seeing them thru whatever changes THEY decide to make....
stick to your gut feelings........

Answer 10

You don't need a friend like her. Tell your mutual friends that you will be polite to her but that you prefer not to have those type of people in your life.