My Step son is a loser?

Question

I know this seems harsh. I have a 16 year old step son with the maturity of a 12 year old. He still can't keep his room tidy, has no regard for hygene, starts the school year off blazing and sinks to failure my mid term. He has no close friends, his dad's new family can't stand him because he is lazy and argumentative. He expects everthing to be given to him yet he refuses to do chores. Since he is physically a mess, he is the subject of scorn at school.

I keep waiting for him to have an epiphany and recognize that his behavior is really not working for him and this just does not seem to be coming. My wife and I keep telling ourselves that the world needs janitors too but he can't even do that well.

So any ideas? I do not want to give up on him but I need to be convinced that pulling himself up by his bootstraps and accepting responsibility for his behavior is not the best approach.

This kid is very smart but he will not conform to anything that is successful. Yikes and help!

I thank you all. I do not want you to think we do not provide one on one time nor that we deprive the boy of love. On the other hand this nonsense about judging children with adult criteria is absolute nonsense. This is a young man who eats sleeps and drinks the "idea" of driving a car yet he will not do the minimum necessary to get his grades to a "C" something is is very capable of doing.

I have no problem telling him that the way he is behaving is not winning behavior or even a reasonable strategy for success today or in the future. He has been supported emotionally, physically and financially since the day he was born. I think what he really needs is bootcamp but he is so immature he will not "learn" from the experience rather he will use HIS failure in that setting to "blame" others rather than accept responsibility.

I raised two boys of my own in a previous marriage and my wife raised another son. None of these kids have his additude, nastiness and immaturity.

Answer 1

WoW! That sounds like some one that I know but he is mentally ill. Try getting him tested for adhd and there is another one but i dont remember what he has.

Answer 2

I have a son, now 28. He's really terrific but it's hard to see where they're going at that age. Try to influence more than control. His Dad has probably given up and moved on to the "new family". He really needs you and Mom to be there for him. He probably is depressed-many teens are-and is tryng to see if people love him for who he is. Anything that's positive, praise him-you can be disappointed in him but always love him and tell him you believe he'll find a way. All teenagers seem lazy and argumentative! It's the hardest time to be a parent and no time is more important. A janitor? C'mon. Do you know kids get rich these days developing video games, being skateboarding stars, I even saw a kid who became wealthy in video game contests! If he's smart, he probably gets really bored at school. We have schools where we teach like the 1950's and kids that are so far beyond us with technology. My own son was so bored-but now he has a small computer business. His Dad didn't think he's ever amount to anything either-he stopped seeing him for about 3 years! You say he's the subject of scorn at school? Maybe help him shop. take him to some "cool" teenage stores. He probably doesn't realize he can be cooler-he's given up on himself too. Also, in 2 years, he'll be an adult. This is not the time to treat him like a child but to help him grow up(maybe he could keep his room the way he likes-shut the door- but have other chores-maybe the two of you might find a project together?) About accepting responsibility-he will have to as an adult-your job is to get him ready. He needs small, graduating doses of what it is to be an adult-both freedom and responsibility-we adults get both-. I wish I could remember the name of the book I read back then-but can't-but basically, it talked about while losing controll of teens, we still have lots of influence, if only we would remember that! Remember yourself as a teen-bet your parents weren't completely happy either!

Help him find his strengths and you'll be a hero both to him and his Mom!

Answer 3

I don't mean to sound harsh but it almost sounds like you've set yourself well on your way to giving up. I suggest you sit down with your wife for a materialization of a workable plan. First, to understand why your SON is having these problems discuss what might have started him on this path. Think about the time when you were young and also what you had and what he didn't have or vice versa. Second, explain the value of hygiene and/or other goals. Third, use POSITIVE re-enforcement. Remember, you're the parent, don't act like a child, or the child won't trust you and that's all your child really wants. Take away privileges when they are not earned but give praise and rewards not bribes, when they are. Most importantly, focus on being positive. If you find yourself being more punishing than encouraging you're going the right way for a smart ***.
Changes won't happen overnight. It might get worse before it gets better and probably will.
It's now or never.
Love and peace be with you. \ t /

Answer 4

Obviously this is pretty bad and I feel for you, your wife and the kid. What I am reading says to me that you guys have tried just about everything. The punctuation of your title is a question mark and that indicates you are asking IF he is a loser.

I know from my own experience with a 16 year old who began behaving this way when he was in pre-school, that a combination of rigid and well defined rewards and consequences seem to help however it does have to come from within.

I tend to agree that there is some depression particularly if your son reverts to doing nothing or very little when there are activities that need to be attended to. I totally disagree with the assessment that your son is stretching out and trying to find himself when he doesn't acknowlege he is lost.

So do I think he is a loser? Probably not but if he does not start making significant strides, he is trending in a direction where the hole will be very hard to rise from.

Answer 5

It sounds like you've already given up on him. I hope he doesn't realize that you feel this way. How messy is his room really? Most teenagers have messy rooms, it's just their way of having their own space. 16 year old boys tend to be lazy and argumentative. You should make him do chores and keep his grades up. But try to do it in a loving way. If he doesn't do his chores and keep up with his school work try taking away privileges like video games or an allowance. Stop waiting for the epiphany, he's unlikely to have it while he's still a teenager.

Answer 6

There is a way to beat this is to provide a reasonable incentive:
Try this:
Give him a commission (not allowance for work done around the house) and thus provide him with spending money and a reason to build self esteem (this is obviously what he is lacking).

Set a reasonable goal such as cleaning his room daily and provide him $ 7.00 for achieving this goal as a commission. In other words, he decides if he wants the money.

Other jobs could also be commissionable: including grades, hygiene, cleaning the garage, helping around the house, taking care of the yard, etc.

The principle is commission. He chooses whether or not he wants to work. It is HIS choice. If he chooses not to do the chores he chooses NO money. If he has an allowance cut it off and replace it with this. If he wants money, he can work for it.
If he doesn't want it, close the door to his room, let him live in his garbage.

Make it clear--it's your life--- it's your choice.

Answer 7

He sounds like a teen but at 16 you would think that he would be some what mature. I know it sounds corny, but try telling him about it, and if you don't see a change. Deny him privileges. If this fails to work don't pick up after him, let his mess pile up. After awhile he will clean it himself. After he realizes that he needs to, and that being a pig isn't helping him. As for his grades, you can get him all the help in the world and if he doesn't care he won't do it. Warn him about the credit system and how you need a certain amount to pass. That might help.

Answer 8

Sounds to me like this poor child needs some one on one time with parents. Although you are not his biological father, I think he has lost his way in the divorce. Every child needs to understand that they are a definite part of some close knit family. There is no doubt he has suffered in a sense a loss. Please try to be patient with this child, and only give positive response to him. It sounds to me that he has given up. Encourage him, and most of all show your love and respect to him. There are always reasons for ones behavior although it is not always evident to us at the time. Try to include him in family activities, such as dinner out, movies and maybe have your wife and yourself ask him what he would like to do. Nothing is ever so lost, that it can not be found again. Best of luck and love.

Answer 9

I sympathize with you, as our son (also 16) sometimes drives us nuts...but I certainly hope you NEVER actually call him a "loser' to his face! No...he's NOT one, anyway, just a teen with some issues.

It takes some kids longer to "hit their stride", both socially and academically. He may FEEL like a loser and if you keep criticizing, he'll believe he IS one and stop even trying.

There seem to be some serious family issues, like the dad's new family. You should sit down w/them and him and try to reach an agreement about behavior, both from him AND them. Anytime a family separates, even if it's done without fighting, etc., it is VERY traumatic for the children, regardless of what they say or what age they are.

I'd suggest some family counseling, so your son can air his feelings. His poor hygiene may be an expression of how he feels inside,but is afraid to tell you. It is also, along w/many of his other behaviors, a symptom of depression, which would be fairly normal after a divorce. Again, counseling (esp. individual) can help this.

As for the expecting everything, just don't give in. Come up with a chore list (at his age, he should be able to keep his room semi-neat, do his own laundry, mow the lawn occasionally, pick up after he eats, do dishes, take out the trash and tend to any pets. Tell him that these are the requirements if he wants to get things. If he doesn't meet them, then he gets less stuff or nothing! Use language like, "These are the house rules. If you do them, you get privileges/stuff. If not, then you don't get them. It's YOUR CHOICE."

The arguments are quite normal for his age. It's partly how he's defining himself and learning to survive in a cold world! Wouldn't you be MORE freaked if he was a total "goody-two-shoes", obeying you blindly and agreeing with everything? I'd be scared as hell! People like that, who cant stand up for themselves, get bullied in life! Just set some limits, again, about how MUCH arguing you can tolerate and when you've made up your mind and it's "not open to discussion."

I tell my kid, "Some things are negotiable...but this isn't, so stop arguing or you can't go to your friends' house" (or whatever privilege he wants that you can revoke).

Whatever you do...DON'T give up on him! He might think you (and your ex) already have! Meet with his school counselor and his teachers and let them know about the academic concerns. Come up w/a plan, a "contract" that all of you can agree upon. The counselor should address the hygiene issue and other emotional problems, like being scorned by other kids.

My kid didn't start doing that well until this year (always late w/homework or not passing it in at all, not studying for tests). He had a huge "wake-up call" at the end of last school year, when he realized he might have to repeat some of 10th grade or later on, watch all his friends go off to college, while he stayed behind.

Now, he's doing well in school, and is in a punk/alternative band, after learning to play guitar over the last several months! Try to praise your son (casually) for things he does right or well and stop "butting heads".

You might even sit him down (I did w/my son) and ask: "So, if you don't want to do well in school, what will you do when you get out?" He said he wanted to move out, get an apartment and maybe travel. I asked how he'd support himself and we got into a detailed discussion of paying rent, what it's like to have roommates (he's an only child), what the work he was talking about was like (he wanted to be a bag-boy at a market!)... and whether he could actually survive. It was an "adult" discussion, no passing judgment or saying "OH...THAT won't work!" or "But we REALLY expected you to go to college!"....just giving feedback, asking questions and listening.

This really hit home and this year, he started doing much better!
Give your son some time...I bet he'll surprise you! You might try getting him into some activity he likes. That "epiphany" might be closer than you think...

P.S.: The site below, clubmom.com, has some good articles on teens, including one on depression.
The second site, experts.about.com, gives an excellent analysis of problems faced by teens & their moms with absent fathers (it specifically deals with arguing!

Good luck to you both!

Answer 10

I hate to hear this because it reminds me of so many horror stories I have heard in the past. Again and again it seems that parents, and often especially step-parents, judge their children using adult-criteria, harsh assessments by their peers, or simply by their own inflexible standard about how teens should be. Teens, like younger children, need to know that their parents are completely on their side (what if he read your entry here?), no matter how bad they act or how much they fail. They need to be shown how to live responsibly, both by example and by gentle guidance. They need non-judgemental parents to talk to about their problems, to give them the opportunities to make friends, and to encourage them to stick with goals they set. They need support in whatever they choose, and defense from those who don't believe in them. I'm not sure why your smart son isn't living up to his potential, but I think you must take kind action and try to understand the problem--not assume it's something he can handle or figure out on his own. He needs to feel like you're rooting for him--not judging him--and that you think he's anything but a loser. Sometimes it seems like this support is all kids need to feel like they can do great things--and make them happen. For practical ideas--maybe you could help him get a job he's interested in, encourage him to do a school activitity he likes, provide positive incentives to encourage him to help out at home and keep clean, introduce him to a mentor or grandparent who he might choose to emulate or admire, and/or consult teachers or therapists about what you can do to encourage him. Good luck.

Answer 11

in the sake of sounding like an "Advice Columnist".. That is definantly some obvious signs of depression.. lack of hygiene is definantly a drastic sign in itself.. lack of enthusism for school... him being arguementive... I think that you guys should consider consulting a therapist.. Alot of the time, teens just need someone unrelated and unbiased to talk to.. He could still be adjusting to the fact of being a part of 2 different families, versus his parents being together.. Also, the harshness of "the world needs janitors" is not nice either.. I guess the moral of my comment is, seek some counceling for him.. That could help him out, and STAY POSITIVE