moral dilemma?

Question

I've been separated from my husband for 5 years and have been with my partner for 4 and a half.I would like to get divorced,but the problem is my ex has heart disease and has been told there is nothing they can do for him.do i ask him for a divorce anyway?or is that kicking him when he's down?or do i wait for the inevitable to happen.I'm not being a cow,i'm just saying the facts.help!!

quasimodo,i didn't leave him after six months?!i was married for 10 years before we broke up.i didn't divorce him then cause you need to be apart for at least 3 years to get a d.i.y divorce.i have plenty of common sense

yes my partner is a man!

he's had heart disease for 13 years and had a triple bypass 12 years ago.they have done everything they can,he's had 5 ops in the past two months.i'm not interested in money or anything!i'm not that shallow.i get on fine with him and wish him no harm.i also have no intention of getting married again.

Answer 1

That's what's going on in your husband life, not yours though it show great character that you care, but you need to deal with what you are in and not loose sight of that. I'm sure after 41/2 yrs. Your partner is tired of being with someone who is tied to someone else have some respect for him and yourself and get the divorce. You could explain to your ex that you know the timing may be bad and you are not trying to cause him any more complications, but you must get on with your life.

Answer 2

Hi KJC obviously you have been separated from your partner for some time now and have someone new in your life. You have been moving on in life since the separation and I can see no reason as to why you should not divorce your husband, wither he has an illness or not...unless of course you could be a beneficiary in his will. However, even if you do divorce each other, you can still be a beneficiary in his will, if that is what he wants.

You are not "kicking him when he's down" as you say, this situation with your ex's health has arisen year's after you broke up so you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Get a divorce and move on because even when there is nothing they can do for him, he can still live for many years. My father was in the same position health wise, nothing they could do, and he lived for just over 9 years after his diagnosis.

Concentrate on yourself and your new relationship and not on one that's in the past, its not good to keep carrying baggage from a previous relationship around when you can do something about it.
I know you still care somewhat about your ex husband, and probably always will to some extent, but get a divorce and move forward on this, you have nothing to feel guilty of.

Answer 3

You should have asked him for divorce long time ago. Why sacrifice your life goals? Ask him; you don't have to be an a**hole about it or anything, just start the divorce proceedings. At this point, it's only a legal formality since you guys have not been together for the last 5 years. Cutting your ties to the past would be a respectful thing to do for the sake of your partner.

Answer 4

well, ok here goes....... if you have a relationship with him, one where you can talk to him, I would gentlly bring up the subject ... maybe ask him what he thinks about finally getting it done... tell him you are ready to move on, but that it will be hard on BOTH of you, because of the history.... you do not have to go into all the details of the new love, but there are ways to let him go and still be kind... use respect and kindness and even love.... I am sure that after all these years the ex. has known this could happen, and if you have been with this new love for 4 yrs. I am sure the ex also knows that you are commited to the new relationship......... and I do understand your dlilema, but i also have to say, that waiting for the inevitable seems so unjustified for all concerned.. for reasons I mentioned above.... if death is on its way, there is nothing you can do, and so i realy think that there is no reason for you to not go on with your life... I am not being cruel, but like you, am stating the facts... letting the ex go in peace, letting him know that you will be ok and are happy may take a big burden from his shoulders..... talk to him !!! God bless

Answer 5

Oh dear! That really is a nasty one. Its hard for people to give you advice because its a tricky and delicate situation but I think you ex deserves respect and that means being honest with him. I know its an extremely difficult time for him so tread carefully but you should ask him. I'm a nurse and have cared for people who have recieved bad news and the majority of them don't want to be treated any differently to how they would have been before the diagnosis. How would he feel if he knew how you felt? Would he think you were waiting for him to die? Perhaps if the split had been recently then leaving it might be acceptable but its been a while so he has probably worked through his issues about it and then he can enjoy the time he has left knowing that his loose ends are sorted. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, just do it gently.

Answer 6

If you intend on marry the person your with then yes divorce him. I mean there are factors to consider if you don't 1: Are you his beneficiary? 2: Are you willing to be responsible for his burial when he dies, (it is the spouses responsibility) 3: If this would be too strenuous on him and he'll croak from the pressure, then no, you wouldn't want that on your conscience would you. Talk it over with your current and see what he thinks, this is a decision that effects your future and present sense of growth. I am sure you will make the right decision. If you are a praying person I would suggest taking it up in prayer and let your Higher Power guide you. Good luck Sister...I am routing for you.

Answer 7

So..you leave #1 after 6 months right? Whats the hold-up? Why didn't you divorce him then. I doubt I'd equate a divorce to 'kicking him when he's down' at this stage of the game.
Just do what you should have done 4 and a half years ago. Its just that simple.

Try using some common sense for a change huh?

Answer 8

I don't see how your being a cow or selfish at all. You two have been split up for a long time. Do people think you should put your life on hold because your ex is ill. I understand feeling sympathy for him and if your break up was civilized, where as you can talk to him. He may want you to be able to move on.
I believe you are sensitive because this issue is concerning you enough that you have been torn what to do. I say talk to him. Gently of course. If he seems to be troubled by the issue. You may so you don't feel guilty put your plans on the back burner. Like I said you guys have been split up for so long. It may not be as big of a mess as you think.

Answer 9

If you've been separated and both living separate lives for the last 5 years, asking for a divorce isn't going to be kicking him when he's down. After all this time, its about time one of you move on and do something about this situation.

Answer 10

4 and 1/2 years is a long time to wait for a divorce...only you can say if your ready to move on.. after 4 1/2 years you dont have to ask.. you can get a divorce granted just on those facts...
no fault divorce.... 18 months or more of seperation