What should I do?

Question

OK, here's the deal...
I have problems with my father.
I am gay and I haven't told him yet. I am studying and working abroad, and I have been in a relationship for a year and obviously I dont need money since everything is shared and thus cheaper.
He is always asking my mom how come I don't ask for money, and he wants to visit me (he says that he misses me, but it is obvious that he wants to do his own search on things...if he wanted to see me that bad he would offer to pay for my ticket to go back home and see the rest of the family). I dont want to tell him I am gay for 2 reasons:
1. He is very homophobic, he would not accept it. I know because once he found a porn cd-rom a friend of mine forgot in my room and it happened to have some gay ads...(it was not gay porn, it was straight porn it came with a magazine, but when my father checked he saw the gay ads) and freaked out. He called my sister yelling at her because he thought she might now, and he created a huge fuss.

2. I never really felt close to him, but he can always manipulate my family and he is such a drama queen and I will be the "bad guy".

My problem is the following: I have a grudge, because he has given me living hell, he is an uneducated narrow minded bigot, and I have always wanted to tell him off...I dont care if I dont see him again, honestly. But if I tell him I am gay, he wins the fight, because everyone will focus on the fact that I am a fa.g and not on the fact that he is a mean and cruel person. What should I do? I cannot just tell him to go to hell, because he will create a soap opera situation....my mom called me (she knows and they are divorced anyway) and told me to ask for money so he wont be suspicious but I put my pride first. I dont need him and he was never there for me. I am really depressed, I cant sleep at nights...

He has given hell to me and my sisters...but my sisters have forgiven him and they have moved on. I havent, and anyway he will never accept me for who I am so our relation is doomed. But I dont know what to do and how to do it.

Any opinions or experiences would help a lot. Thanks.

Thank you all for your support and advice I really really appreciate it :)
Hugs to all of you!

Bearlicious and Randy...thank you so much guys, eventhough we had our disagreements I always knew you guys were OK (and not just because you said something positive). Thanks, and my apologies if I have ever been insulting to you guys (unintentionaly I promise). xxx

Answer 1

Nostromo I really do feel for you.
My relationship with my own father has been strained to the breaking point and yesterday I was outed to him by my mother. I do not know how he will respond he has not spoken to me. But I have to tell you the love you have for your father is evident in the amount of pain I see in your question. You need to let go of the hurt you feel he will never come around to your way of thinking and do you really want him too. I know you have not always seen eye to eye with me but listen to me you will never get over this until you forgive him. Forgiveness release someone from a prison you have built for them to punish someone but you don’t know the person you are releasing is yourself. He will not ever think you are measuring up to him because chances are he never measured up to his father. he carries the same wound he gave to you. He wounded your heart and he did not convey to you that masculine gift of a fathers love. You will feel that loss all your life if you do not be the man now and forgive him.

Know this Nostromo!
This comes from a son with experience and comes out of my love for one son from another.

Randy Wolff

Answer 2

You know, ironically, I just came out to my mom less than an hour ago. Trust me, I was freaking out! She took it rather well, and she's just happy that I had the courage to tell her. I don't think this is about winning or losing per se, I think the rest of the family, if they have any sense, will realize that he's just a hateful and mean person. You being gay doesn't have anything to do with anything, and if he tries to make it into something then that shows what kind of person he is. Don't tell him anything....just let him make his own conclusions.

Answer 3

Well, have you ever considered telling him straight out that you don't want to see him? If he is as mean as you say tell him no. if he isn't providing you money for your education and things you don't owe him an explanation. If you DO decide to come out...beat him to the punch, call all those he would go running to tell to make you look bad first and talk with them, come out but let him be the last one to know, that way he can throw his fit and make a spectacle of himself for the rest of the family and show them that you are right.
Don't be intimidated. The worst thing that could happen is what? He refuses to talk with you and cause you misery? The family members that support him and not you shun you(it sounds like you don't need them anyway) as if that would be some kind of punishment?
You can't choose your relatives. You love them because of the blood-ties but there isn't one darn rule that says you have to like them or be subservient to them. As my friend told his parents when they weren't understanding, " I love you, you've raised me well. Things are changing and they are on MY terms now, if you want me to be a part of your life from here on out YOU are going to have to deal with this, or I don't have to be a part of your/this family. I do love you, but I don't need you or HAVE to have you in my life. It's your decision". They chose HIM and get along just fine now.

Answer 4

Hey man, it sounds like you are already on the right track by moving away even if its for school. You mentioned that you and your lover share expenses which is another plus. If you are not being financially tied down to your father; forget about his antagonistic ways.

In regards to winning an argument; or the soap opera drama he'll create, let him live in his world and you live in yours. To beat him at the punch; announce to your Mother and Father via telephone about your sexual orientation. Let him know if he still wants to see you and visit; he's welcome. However; make it on your own terms. He has to stay at a hotel; not at your place. Let him, know specific details as to how you and your lover want to be treated. If he can't honor your request; he forfeits the deal.

Lastly, speak with your sister. Inform her, that she is no longer responsible for being the inadvertently verbally bunching figure for you. You can forgive your father or else, you'll carry him until you do. Your personal challenge is to accept who you are for you. Once accomplished, no matter what display of emotions your father provides will have no barrings on your self-consciences, happiness, or self-achievement. I know we have been on odds on particular subject matters, but wish you the best. Good Luck!

Answer 5

clearly he wants a relationship with you, or he would not be asking about you. tell him get it over with, and if he accepts you or not is his problem, the way it is now you can't have any sort of relationship with him and you have to hide. the worst case would be still no relationship with him and you don't have to hide it. your a adult now, you are not living under his roof, so if he is unaccepting of you, simply move on. Be the bigger person, and forgive him for being who he is, and enjoy your life.

Answer 6

sounds to me like it is a matter of ignoring ur pride and askin for the $ so he'll leave u alone or suck it up and spill the beans and be done with it. which 1 can u more easily live with?

Answer 7

mean and cruel will be remembered with a greater louder voice than your orientation,move on forgive forget as your sisters have-its not easy but you can do this.
tell him and get it out if that is weighing on you,why is it so damn important he know something he'll hate?
Life is short dude and we only get one chance,enjoy it screw the rest.

Answer 8

How is this about who wins or loses? Tell him, your conscious is clear, then you can sleep. That's all. See how simple?

Answer 9

You can be right or you can be happy. Agree to disagree and all those sort of cliches

Answer 10

Jesus Christ, at what point do you pack up your sh*t and move on. Quit being a princess and get on wit your life.