hey can you help me out it's english course work somethings not quite right ...10 points?

Question

can you please help me this is a paragraph from a peice of coursework i'm writing(a novel opening) but it doesn't seem right i don't know what it is it just doesn't seem right can you suggest any way i might improve it or whats wrong with it. no nasty comments please thanks

I was sitting anxiously on my bedroom floor, the door locked from the inside and the music blaring. I sat there with my diary open on the night that it all went so, so wrong. The floor was vibrating and I felt my world spinning dangerously out of control and there seemed like nothing I could do about it. I looked up at the mirror and saw myself shaking uncontrollably, tears streaming mercilessly down my face like an overflowing river. I felt so pathetic, so trapped but I knew I had no right to feel like this, it was my own fault. I needed help and I knew who to call: Kady.

Answer 1

Turn it around. Start with:

I felt so pathetic, so trapped but I knew I had no right to feel like this, it was my own fault. I was sitting on my bedroom floor, the door locked and the music blaring. I sat there with my diary open on the night that it all went wrong.

The floor was vibrating and I felt my world spinning out of control and there was nothing I could do about it. I looked up at the mirror and saw myself. Shaking uncontrollably, tears streaming mercilessly down my face like an overflowing river

I needed help and I knew who to call: Kady.

Cut out the adverbs. The text is strong enough without them.