I have been with my boyfriend almost 2 years. Before we met I used to have a drug and alcohol problem I have been clean for several years. The problem is whenever we argue it gets thown in my face. No matter what we talk about it always go back to my drug usage. How can I get him to understand the person I was before is not the person I am now? Also, how come it is such a double standard if you say something about a mans past (god forbid) it wages an all out war but when a man says something about a womans past it is also the here and now so to speak? Also any time I bring up his past ooh my god it's horrible. How can I get this guy to chill. Always saying I am like his ex wife and this and that and I always have to accept that and when I say something negative about him he comes back with "if you don't want to be with me leave" I really love him more then anything I just want to get along and have an even ground.
2006-10-17 06:39:58 · 29 answers · asked by Hautie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
you cant make any thing work it comes natural or forget it
2006-10-17 07:33:01 · answer #1 · answered by connie sue 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I find this most interesting. You have made a drastic change in your life re; your past drug abuse. You've cleaned yourself up which I'm sure was no small task and no doubt a very difficult road to travel. Yet, this man you alledge you "love" verbally torments you with ancient history and claims you're no different than his ex?
Lady...it isn't going to change. You had the cojones to change your life and that shows a magnitude of self esteem. So get some more and boot this clown to the curb. You can do much better than this dolt. Once you're out and on your own one of two things will happen. The first is he'll let you go. Howvere men like this all follow the same pattern. When you screw he'll find that he's miserable because he hasn't got anyone to sh8t on anymore...mainly you. He'll come crying to you saying how sorry he is...that he'll change....blah, blah, blah. Do not fall for this. Because as soon as you return...it'll start all over again.
have some respect for yourself and leave. Even if he has none for you you'll be better off in the long run.
2006-10-17 07:16:53 · answer #2 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I so understand where you are coming from. On the other hand I don't understand why men do this. When my husband and I have a fight, he throws in my face the fact that most of my friends have cheated on their husbands and he thinks I am going to do it too. I've tried explaining that they are not me and I am my own person but to no avail it still gets brought up EVERY TIME. When I bring up things from his past though, the same as you, holy sh*t does he get mad. What's with the double standard? I would tell him that you are not like his ex, cause if you were why would he have married you if you two were so much alike. Tell him that you know where the door is and how to use it, but you choose to stay because you love him!
2006-10-17 08:37:20 · answer #3 · answered by DaRkViXeN 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say that maybe you should look at the reason he has an ex-wife and seriously think about the relationship that you are in now. On the note of the drug and alcohol abuse....good for you for getting over it and making it a part of your PAST. He needs to understand that it is going to take you (more than likely) the rest of your FUTURE life to totally overcome those addictions and what he is doing to you is wrong in so many ways. I would seriously look into why you are with this guy...pros and cons and weigh out the differences...
2006-10-17 07:18:50 · answer #4 · answered by Mom to Foster Children 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really believe that when past issues are dealt with they should never be brought up again, unless the same problem starts to resurface. Your bf needs to get over the past, otherwise it's too hard for your relationship to grow. He should trust you based on your current behavior, because he wasn't with you when you had the problem to begin with. You will never be able to have an honest and open relationship with him if he keeps acting like this. And don't forget that 2 wrongs do not make a right, drudging up his past and throwing it in face does not help the situation.
He needs to get over what ever happened with him and his ex-wife. It sounds like that's where his real issues and insecurities stem from. Good luck!
2006-10-17 07:53:56 · answer #5 · answered by artist2213 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe there is a reason he has an ex wife. You should take a good look at this relationship and make sure you want to be a part of it. It isn't ok for a man or women to throw the past up in anyone's face.
2006-10-17 06:48:17 · answer #6 · answered by Jewells 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The problem is whenever we argue it gets thown in my face. No matter what we talk about it always go back to my drug usage.............when you say argue I can that your realtionship is blown sky high with dynamite.
My suggestion to you is drop that bum and gain your life and move on.
2006-10-17 07:49:44 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do you love him if he is emotionally abusing you?
It's convenient for him to throw your past up to your face for several reasons. He can make you feel badly about yourself by causing you to dwell in the past, you don't measure up to his idea of perfection in a woman, so this makes it worse for you, and it shows he's in control of the relationship b/c you are giving him all of this power over you by allowing him to talk to you in this way.
Tell him if he can't stop throwing your past in your face during an argument, then move on. This behavior only gets worse and he will find other forms of abuse to treat you with later.
There is someone else out there who is perfect for you, that will have empathy and understanding about your past, and he will treat you with the respect and love that you deserve. You're not going to get it from this guy.
2006-10-17 07:16:04 · answer #8 · answered by Big Bear 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sorry, you, on your own, cannot make this relationship work, why not, because it takes two people who care about each other, two people who consider each others feelings. this man does neither. you on the other hand, look in the mirror, smile, congratulate yourself for getting out of the drink and drug problem, now all you need is the strength to get out of this so called relationship. i know you say you love him so it will be tough but i truely believe there is no other way for you to be happy and in time, maybe you will find the right kind of man.
2006-10-17 08:23:32 · answer #9 · answered by Veronica C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sometimes we do not get along for reasons, reasons being, because you are not suppose to be with him. Why take the verbal abuse? Is it really worth it, and if you are like his ex-wife, ummm then you will probably become an ex as well.. try to move on, you should always love god more, than you love anyone else....
2006-10-17 07:25:20 · answer #10 · answered by sweet 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok ask yourself these questions., do you nag and whine too much. Sorry, but it does sound a bit like it......put on a few pounds lately? When was the last time you gave him Oral to completion? where..outdoors, in front of a movie, what about Anal? does he like BDSM are you ever ready to submit to his pleasures? Because if you are not thousands of girls out there will, and pretty damn quick too, get with the program and shape up before you end up lonely depressed and overweight....and I am serious and right..do not listen to the religios nutters, geeky guys, lonely bitter hags, and the betrayed who missed the boat already., xx Good Luck and I do mean it xx
2006-10-17 06:59:52 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋