Ok, let’s start at the beginning: My brother, sister, and I were raised by our paternal grandparents after being removed from our abusive and neglectful parents by DSS (aka CPS in other states). We had an old school upbringing, and had to work for everything, but we made it through and came out well adjusted. Our maternal grandparents were only there on holidays, even though they only lived a few towns away. Our Maternal Grandfather is a Deacon in Catholic Church and that side of the family has always been extremely religious. Anyone who does not follow the “perfect plan” of graduate high school-go to college or the military-get married-start having babies, get disowned. My older sister did follow this plan, married a nice Tall Irish Catholic Boy, and just gave birth to her first son. I, on the other hand, left college to take care of our ailing paternal grandparents (the ones who raised us), and then married a nice Short Protestant Italian Girl – who I love very much. I have been disowned by the Deacon & family, but my wife is lovingly welcomed into what I consider my immediate family and by the grandmother that raised us (Grampie passed away). Here is the problem: My grandfather did the Baptism on my sister’s son, but he stated that he would not do it if I “the lesbian” was the Godmother. She relented and named someone else, and he baptized the baby last Sunday. I did not go – the drive was long and I did want my wife and I to face the hatred of that side of the family at the end of it, I also wanted the day to be peaceful for the baby. My sister respects my decision and thanked me for sparing her son the family drama. My Brother and Grandmother completely understands and respects it as well. They all know that I will see my nephew on my own visiting time. However the Deacon & family have been blasting me through other family members (remember they won’t speak to me directly) and are making my life miserable “for missing such an important event and not being there for your sister”. I have not responded at all, trying to act mature about the situation. I just want the drama to stop; I want to go see my nephew and sister in peace. Did I do the right thing in this situation? How can I get the drama to stop? (and before anyone suggests it – I am NOT divorcing my Wife!)
2006-10-17 02:29:09 · 13 answers · asked by Alexis 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
I'm sorry, I know it's a long question. I just wanted to make sure to have all of the information there, any advice would be greatly appriciated.
2006-10-17 02:38:56 · update #1
actually kja,Equal Marriage is leagal in Ma - which is where I live. Citizens of RI can get married here and the licence recognised by RI, and civil unions are in VT and CT.
2006-10-17 02:47:10 · update #2
Chris - why would you report me? This is a serious question
2006-10-17 04:19:35 · update #3
If you live in the USA (you mentioned states), then same-sex marriages are illegal.
However, provided you are both adults, you have the right to a peaceful life with your significant other. If some of your family chooses to have "drama" about it, that's their problem. Don't make it yours.
2006-10-17 02:39:29 · answer #1 · answered by kja63 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
That side of your family was un-accepting of you and your life choices so as far as I'm concerned they have not right to complain about what you did or did not do.
I believe you made the right decision as your sister understands and agrees with you. You want to stay involved in your nephews and your sisters life which is very family like of you :)
I think you should stress less about the Deacon and that and remind yourself that if they can't accept you then there words should mean nothing to you because if there is no respect no acceptance then they can't understand you therefore they should stay out of your life.
Good Luck to you and your wife, and i bet your nephew is a cutie :)
2006-10-17 04:54:30 · answer #2 · answered by angelic_devil30 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you did the right thing, and it sounds like all the family members who matter to you agree with you.
It is very hard (if not impossible) to have peace when one party wants to fight or treat you badly. I think this is what it means when the Bible says the sins of the fathers are visited on the children. You can only "stop the drama" with yourself and the people who value you.
Sometimes it is possible to have someone who the other party respects talk to them, (maybe their priest?) but I wouldn't have any great expectations. If you feel it is necessary to be at the same event with these people I have found that it helps to try and remember that they too have a part of the Davine in them, but that the circumstances of their life has buried it very deeply.
Good luck
2006-10-17 02:57:59 · answer #3 · answered by Judy D 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You did the right thing and given time, the imediate drama will settle down.
I went through a similar situation with a member of my family as well.
I come from a large Irish Catholic family, so I feel your pain.
My youngest cousin was known for his "gay-bashing" and hatred of gays. I had the hardest time coming out to that side of my family simply because of the number of arguments he and I have had throughout the years.
Well, finally after much thought, I did come out to my Aunt and Uncle...who were actually quite suppostive.
But when my cousin got engaged and the wedding invitations went out, I recieved one but only for myself.
My partner of several years was not listed, I was not asked to bring a guest and even my own son (who was just starting high school at this time) was not invited. Actually the invitation stated "No children, Please."
I was extremely hurt and refused to go to the wedding.
This angered my Mother and Saddened my Aunt.
My Mother, who was actually one of my biggest supporters was more concerned that if I didn't attend that it would "look bad" on her!
I explained that if MY FAMILY were not welcome, then it was clear I too was also not welcome..and would NOT embarass myself by attending alone.
I worried if I had made a good descission as well for a long time, but realized I was really right here.
My partner and I have been together longer than any of my cousins and their wives had even known each other. She was more a part of MY family than their wives.
She has helped raise "our" son since he was in elementary school. She's attended every other family gathering, so it's not like they didn't know who she was.
I was extremely insulted that she was not invited and rightfully so.
Even our family's "Priest" (who happens to actually be Episcopalian) agreed with me that my cousin was heartless to have neglected MY family.
Even my son who was clearly a much more mature adolescent, not a whining baby, was not invited.
Sure there was some drama in the family, but about a year or so later I got a call from my cousin's wife. We talked for a while and she apologized not realizing that my cousin had neglected to include my son and my partner.
She's actually quite level headed and warm. I now know that if I ever have an other argument with my cousin, she'll put him in his place!
2006-10-17 02:50:26 · answer #4 · answered by DEATH 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Firstly let me say that I think that you handled the situation perfectly, and that if the Deacon feels that the only way that he can communicate his ideas and feelings is via intermediaries then he is an asshole!
However, I think that your time for being 'mature' has passed and it is now time for you to voice your opinion and stand up for you and your wife. You have done nothing wrong, so why stand there in silence while you get blasted by everyone who feels the need to have their opinion told.
Your sister is behind you your other grandparents are, so you have nothing to lose. Speak up for yourself, stand up for yourself, and let the other side of the family know that this is how it is gonna be for a very long time, so they better get used to it.
Don't let them get in the way of your family - don't let them stop you from being with your sister and your nephew, you all deserve more!
2006-10-17 02:43:11 · answer #5 · answered by masteroflisa 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Tell the ones that will speak to that you didn't go for the benefit of the child. Let them know how hateful their relatives were being and that you did not want to child to be witness to their hatred towards you on that child's special day. Let them open their f***ing eyes and see who the real villains are here and just maybe they'll start singing a different tune. If they continue to be ignorant, then there's nothing much you can do. Get a restraining order and let them know that you won't be harassed like this. You deserve to be treated better.
2006-10-17 13:44:31 · answer #6 · answered by carora13 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You did the right thing.
State to them very clearly that they have made their(Deacon) feelings known, you "honored" those feelings. By refusing to accept your Wife and situation, they are indeed rejecting you and you should tell them exactly that. You didn't start the "drama", you ended it in the only real way you could. There is absolutely no reason you should have to deal with the pettyness, if they want you included they will make allowances for you and yours, otherwise you are better off without their negativity and should openly state that.
2006-10-17 03:03:11 · answer #7 · answered by IndyT- For Da Ben Dan 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am so very sorry honey, I understand where you are coming from but if you love your wife, I know that marriage is legal in some states, (I am jealous).....lol.....but anywho, if you love your wife and your sister, then you need to stand up for all of you. But do not be a jerk about it, just talk to them, tell them how you feel and let them know that you love them and that you hope one day you can be loved by them too, but don't demand it, that would just put chaos in your life. I wish you the best of luck and remeber, alot of people out there (Chris), are just very uneducated!!
2006-10-17 05:02:45 · answer #8 · answered by radioradioradio 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I do not think you will ever stop the drama because the "deacon" will never accept you. And do not let him get to you, you did the right thing in that situation that he created. You avoided a bad situation, and your sister fully understood, so do not worry about that man, and from your story he was never really around to raise you, so he has no right to bad mouth you. i think he wanted you to show up just to have you removed from the church to make himself look good. I personally, would remove him from my life because he only bring drama and pain.
2006-10-17 02:45:47 · answer #9 · answered by danicolegirl 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry for the crap they are putting you through. Unfortunately, this is what religion does to some people. I say cut the cord and get on with your life, those people will only keep you miserable.
2006-10-17 02:38:56 · answer #10 · answered by Squirrel 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋