In a marriage is it our money or mine and yours?

Question

Married 19 years, daughter of 17 . Husband 13 years younger. Marriage always turbulent as his intentions and plans were not made clear and he had aggressive manner. He had control of finances. I had to fight to have control of my earnings and 5 years ago he conceded, but I suspect because he was then earning more. Our relationship went downhill. He accused me of subotaging our family's future by keeping my earnings although I paid half of EVERYTHING. Last year found he was cheating, he said it was because I was not committed to marriage, I did not trust and value him, he left the house 8 months after, bought himself an apartment, said he needs to feel free as he is not the marrying kind, felt suffocated by marriage to me as I have baggage and am not free to go wherever he would like. Now he is back weekends, takes me out, is nice to me, says he wants to change, but wants to but holiday home and house for his mother. The new him is great, but how can I trust him?

Answer 1

Usually it's "our money". In your case it has to be "mine & yours". I would save enough money to hire a divorce lawyer. You probably don't want to hear that, but based on what you've said, I think that might be your best bet.

Answer 2

You shouldn't. I feel that when he spoke you should've listened very closely. (1) he is not the marrying kind and he cheated; (2) he felt suffocated by marriage and you have baggage; (3) you do not trust him or value him; When he came into this relationship with you, he knew you had a daughter, at which time, if it bothered him, he could've not dated you, but he chose to knowingly. He cheated on you and completely broke your trust in him so no matter what he does now, it will always be in the back of your mind that he can possibly be cheating on you again or attempting to. Also you noticed that your marriage went down once you grew smart and took control of your money. The way I see it, is if you & your husband shared expenses, then you both should control it. But when your fighting with your partner to control at least your portion, there's a problem. I think that you should smarten up. I would feel a little used. Why is he only back on the weekends? and considering you two are still married, why can't his mother spend the holiday with the two of you? it's a little fishy. Test him: When he takes you out, don't pay. Forget your wallet. or tell him you have no money. See how he acts and reacts to something like that because it seems as if his intentions are money.

Answer 3

I go with the very first answer you got. All financial matters should have been discussed BEFORE you got married and any problems that arose at THAT time could have either been "ironed out" or you could have called off the wedding. As for trusting him, you said he "sabotaged" your future by having control of the finances, so it is YOUR choice whether you trust him based on what you know of him or not. You know him best, you are the better judge when it comes to trusting him. I'll give you a hint though...if it were me I would have sent him packing the first time he came sniffing around after we split up.

Answer 4

Dear Joanna
Sounds like to me he could possibly have an agenda. Listen to your guy (not your feelings). Does you gut say he is up to no good? People who tend to be very controlling not always but most of the time only change for a short time then go right back to being the same way once they get where they want. Sounds like he has a lot of issues and for you to want to hold on to your earnings shouldn't cause a marriage to go south.
My wife and i have a joint savings, and checking account, but she has her own savings, and i have my own checking as well. I like this because we both have money to call our own, but we have joint money as well to pay bills etc. I am the one that tends to the finances, but i make sure to document everything, and keep her informed and let her know anything she wants to know.
I feel it is good to keep individual funds as well that they can do what ever they want with, and not feel guilty or taking away money that may have been planned for bills etc.
This choice of weather to trust him etc. is up to you.
hope this helps you out, and good luck.

Answer 5

HEL-LOOOO??? You can't. Simple as that. I suspect (and pray) you knew that already or you wouldn't be asking. He treated you badly for THIRTEEN YEARS! Why would you so much as entertain the idea of letting him have 1 more second of your life? I know habits are hard to break and security IS security, be it good or bad. But, c'mon! My opinion? Good riddance. If, however, you MUST see him, then continue to ALLOW him to see you on YOUR terms, not his. Make him spend HIS money, and make him go home every night. Don't let him get comfortable while slowly moving back in. Don't get involved in anything permanent with this a $ $ wipe. Saying he WANTS to change and actually CHANGING are two very different things. Sorry, but you asked. Good luck!

Answer 6

Joana, I too had a marriage quite like the one you talk of , which i now know was no real marriage at all , does the have your cake and eat it too sound familiar? I decided to divorce, and am a lot happier these days,I know if i cant find a man who's hope,s and dreams are not close to my own i will be happier alone. that is a decision you alone will have to make, good luck.

Answer 7

In a marriage it is supposed to be ours, but sometimes it isn't. The idea is to share everything and become one unit. It is him that is not commited to marriage. I think I would have a hard time trusting him. He's nice to you because he wants back in. How long will that last? Probably until you give in, and then he will go back to the way he was.

Answer 8

I t is always hard to try and trust someone after they break the trust fund that u give them. If in your heart u feel that he will do better then slowly work back into it and if there are constant things saying to u no dont go back then dont because you could possibly end up in a worse situation then the first time.

Answer 9

When you marry, everything in my opinion becomes "ours". I hate it when a married couple says "this is mine, this is yours" because you were joined as one before God. If he wants to buy a house for his mother, then you BOTH need to agree as it will be property that you BOTH own and will have to be sold if you ever divorce or if something happens to the other one. I would enter counseling if I were you, if he won't go, at least go for yourself but from the sounds of it, you both have trust issues that need to be resolved. Good luck and keep your guard up. Listen to your head and watch the lovey, mushy things because he may try all that and more.

Answer 10

You can't and more to the point you shouldn't, it would be a mistake and become a living hell if you did.
What he wants is sex when he feels like it & someone to run around after him so he can feel the big man.
He wants you to pay all the bills so he has his money for "dates" etc but so he also has a home when he feels like it.

I'd like to think you will have enough self respect to sever things with him but I suspect you will continue to be used and be a doormat, unfortunately this is also the standard you are setting for your daughter, for her sake if not for yours get some self respect and get rid of this leeching loser

Answer 11

Nope. He's trying to get back into your good graces because he wants something, and it isn't you.
My ex treated me the same way, like crap. But when she wanted something, boy was she the sweetest thing ever. Once she got what she wanted, she went back into "Demon Mode". You should nominate him for an Oscar. If you trust him again, you ARE going to get burned.