Am I normal?

Question

Is this normal thinking? This week I almost called up an ex boyfriend of mine after having a dream that he loved me more than my husband. I have no idea why I want to call this guy and haven't even seen him since I was 18. When I think about our old relationship I sometimes think he loved me more than my husband. Is that insane for me to be thinking this way? My husband expresses his love in words to me and trys to show me love and I feel NOTHING and can't feel his love for me. Also, even though he tells me he loves me I don't know if he is meeting my needs and I am stuck in my house all day with no car when he is at work. What do I do to stop thinking about calling this other dude just for the attention I like and want. Thank you so much in advance for your ideas.

Answer 1

All partnerships, and all relationships for that matter, go through five predictable stages. Knowing these stages is like having a map that will help you to accurately assess where you are in your partnerships, see where you have been and where you can go. This will also allow you to deal effectively with the particular concerns of the stage you are in. For example, upsets, disagreements, miscommunications, misunderstandings and revivel of feelings for people from the past are a predictable, inevitable and unavoidable part of the second stage.

If you don’t know that, you could easily misinterpret what is going on in the relationship, make inappropriate choices and miss important learning and growth opportunities. Each stage requires a different, yet overlapping set of skills. Mastering partnership is about mastering these skills.

Stage 1 - This stage of relationships is characterized by a fascination with another person, organization or project and a desire to learn more about them, as well as a desire to share yourself. It’s fun and it feels good. This is the time when positive possibilities are sensed and explored. This is the stage people wish would last forever.

Stage 2 - POWER STRUGGLE - This is the stage where people start testing each other. It is one of the most difficult stages for people. Who is going to get whose way and how? Distrust from your unresolved past manifests and there is often a fear of loss of control and heavy judgments of the other person start to show up. Many relationships never move beyond this stage and many end here. This stage is really about building trust.

Stage 3 - This is the stage where you learn to trust one another and to resolve upsets to your mutual satisfaction and benefit. You learn to share power and appreciate each other’s unique abilities and gifts. However, it is still self oriented, "What can I get out of this relationship?" rather than "What can we create with this relationship?" Beware of false cooperation in which one person acquiesces to the other in order to "keep the peace". This is still Power Struggle, only in a more subtle form.

Stage 4 - SYNERGY - This is the stage where there is a realization of a power greater than that of each individual. There is also a commitment to a specified focus and use of the power. Extraordinary satisfaction, intimacy, and a deep sense of mutual trust, empowerment and ease characterize this stage. It is a highly creative, high performance relationship. It also possesses a high level of acknowledgment and appreciation. The relationship emanates joy and power in this stage.

Stage 5 - COMPLETION - This is a stage many people fear and avoid dealing with altogether. There are four ways relationships can be completed: drifting apart, expulsion/ejection, conscious completion or demise. Sometimes completion is only about changing the form of the relationship, not necessarily the end of the relationship altogether.

Having defined the stages above and placing yourself here are the Dos and Donts to redefine your relationship with your husband.

DOs:

Know and identify your feelings
Speak congruently with your emotions
Communicate without blame
Self-reflection - observe your thoughts, feelings and behaviors without judgment
Own/take responsibility for your mistakes without self-invalidation
Observe your automatic interpretations of others and events
Be present to someone else’s upset without defense
Know and articulate your requirements for trust
Be able to restore trust when broken
Use current upsets to resolve the past
Ask for help
Forgive yourself and others
Make correction without invalidation
Don’t control others or make their choices for them
Don’t sacrifice - be generous
Practice spiritual attunement to find the highest path
Take the initiative - be responsible for your own needs
Turn your complaints into requests
Be clear-headed and rational while feeling intense feelings or while in the presence of others intense feelings
Control your temper

DONTs:

Giving ultimatums
Start blaming others
Gossiping or participating in gossip
Being mean, attacking, hurtful or hypercritical
Saying things you’ll regret
Making assumptions
Sacrifice - it always leads to resentment
Withholding important communication out of fear
Lying or Jumping to conclusions
Expecting your spouse to read your mind and anticipate your conditions for satisfaction
Taking the relationship for granted
Becoming overly intoxicated with the glory of synergy and get out of balance in your life
Expecting synergy to last without nurturing the relationship

I suggest you and your spouse both go through the suggestions.
to revive feelings for ech other.
Good Luck>r

Answer 2

You only feel this way due to being couped up in your house. Get out, take a walk, even if it's just around the block you need fresh air. I know I had the same problem. You are slipping into a depression and start thinking you're not worthy and start desperately seeking attention. Don't do it, it's not worth it. If you loved your husband and still do think about good things. For the love of God my advice to you is to get out of your home for a little while. Do not call your ex, you only dreamed of him so as to be tempted. Your husband most likely does love you more than you know, he's a guy he doesn't show love the same way we gals do. And you should have a talk with him, maybe rekindle some flames with romanic evenings w/ special dinners and talks about his days. Maybe he's stressed at work. Good luck to you and try to make it work out for the both of you.

Answer 3

Many people search an entire lifetime to try to find the kind of love and devotion it seems you receive from your husband. Choosing to accept his love and love him back is totally up to you and it IS a CHOICE!

I personally think you are thinking of calling the ex and letting your mind wander into the "what if's" out of sheer boredom from being stuck at home with no car. Before I would even start to think of making a decision about changing husbands I would first look at my surroundings and my situation and try to change that before making such a drastic decision as the one you are proposing.

Volunteer, find a local church (maybe within walking distance) and get involved, go to the library, learn a new hobby, make a new friend, join a book club, get a project. GET A LIFE outside of your 4 walls. You can't expect your husband to be all things to you. You must have an identity outside of him. That doesn't mean you don't need him or to exclude him but get yourself out of your rut.

Maybe the true problem here is you suffer from a lack of self-esteem. You can never truly love or appreciate your husband if you don't love and appreciate yourself.

Praying for you! God bless!

Answer 4

For someone in your situation, I guess it is pretty normal. If you had a happy marriage, & you felt secure, & fullfilled, then your feelings as they are probably wouldn't be very normal at all.
So before you go off looking up your ex, I hope that you will do all that is necessary to resolve these feelings you have in your current relationship. I think being stuck at home all day with nothing to do, & no one to interact with has a lot to do with your feelings of being unfulfilled.
You could join a gym, or get involved with some volunteer work. If you had a job, or even a part time job, then it would justify you having a 2nd car, so you can get out more, & get yourself involved in something that is more worthwhile for you.

Answer 5

If this is how you really feel, you have a BIG problem. It's normal, but a problem. Talk to your husband about your feelings (you might want to leave out the part about your ex-boyfriend though?! lol) See what he says. You may need marriage counseling. Sounds like something needs to change and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It just means that something needs to be addressed. Maybe you need to get out of the house more. Or maybe you need a pet or something. But talk to your husband. Communication is very important in a marriage. I hope this helped! Good luck!!

Answer 6

I think you are completely normal. It sounds like to me that you might be missing the excitement and butterflies of early love feelings. This is normal, but you have to figure out a way to fall back "in love" with your husband, calling your ex will not solve your problems. (unfortunately) I am struggling with some similar issues as you. Good luck

Answer 7

Sounds like it's all about. If you really want to do something for yourself, take an interest in LIFE. Get a job and buy yourself a car. Then you wont be 'stuck in the house all day'. Do some good with your life. Volunteer for a day, and see how good it makes you feel. You need to put some value into yourself. Then it wont be such a necessity for someone else to make you feel loved. Love YOURSELF!

Answer 8

I can relate our situations sound similar but honey the grass is always greener on the other side. Your really going to have to weigh your options. Is this marriage worth holding on to . Weigh the bad against the good. Right now you feel like your stuck with no way out. Your wondering what you got yourself into right? I relate. The way its going now it doesn't sound like your husband is even trying to meet your needs. Have you discussed this with him? Have you told him that you are not happy. Maybe he doesn't know .

Answer 9

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you as I am going through a similar thing exept, i never went out with this guy. I had a HUGe crush on him in Hight School and we just never hooked up. I had a conversation with him the other night and now I am soooo confused about the feelings I have. It is just nice to know I am not the only one!

Answer 10

Instead of focusing on the other guy, figure out what seems to be missing in your current relationship and whether or not it is salvagable. Could you ever be content with your husband? What would need to occur for that to happen? Is it possible? Go from there. I urge you not to call the other guy. That's uncool and bad news in the making.