unproductive relationship, please help?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months and i really like him hes a great guy (most of the time), but we argue over stupid things, and i think i depend on him too much. i can't really be "alone", cause i get bored and depressed, and i really want to become more independent from others, im not sure what to do, please help.

Answer 1

You kind of have to balance out the boredom with the perks of the relationship. If you aren't dying to get married, there's nothing wrong with being with an "okay" type of person. It's comforting to have someone to go places with. But don't plan on marriage with him. When you're ready for marriage, you'll likely have to break up.

But if you really want to be more independent, then you're going to have to develop independent interests. There are some clubs where you can be a singleton and not stand out -- Mensa is one. You can do ballroom dancing classes by yourself and enjoy accomplishing something you can take pride in. Even when I was married I did stuff like adult volleyball games without my spouse. If you have some independent items, the alone time doesn't seem so horrible and you'll find yourself looking forward to your activities.

Go to craigslist for your city and click on activity partners; you'll find lots of things to do where it's okay to show up by yourself.
Here's the Washington DC siteL
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/act/

Answer 2

you guys are about at that stage where it is easier to break it off without too much lost
much, but not as much as 2 years, etc.

try to pull your energy into being aware of your thoughts and needs and what you are wanting.
is your relationship fulfilling over all?
are you having needs that you might be able to satisfy yourself?

also- the arguing over the stupid stuff comes out of you each having your own way of doing the most subtle of things in your natural routine
don't fret. it is just the small stuff.

studying something new is a good way to exercise independence of your mind. find something that interests you, and research it on the web or where ever.
what ever you do, remember it is your life
it is all a matter of what you are willing to put up with

Answer 3

Lauren:

I understand your fear of being alone and your wish to become independent. I think all human beings feel the same.

The real question here is: Do you really love this guy? Is he the one for you? Cause if he's not, don't waist your time or his and it could be a good way to face your fears.

If he's the one then talk to him about finding ways to have more fun together and create space for yourself.

Also> couples that fight a lot about stupid things might be spending too much time together...just think about it...

Answer 4

If he's a "great guy" most of the time, don't be codependent on him. Find someone who is a great guy ALL of the time that will respect and love you. If you are alone and get depressed or bored, you should seek a professional opinion of possible depression. You deserve more in life and can do better. Good luck and God Bless you.

Answer 5

You don't mention your age, but you sound pretty young. If this is the case, you should be concentrating on having lots of fun with friends (of both sexes), school, and maybe a part-time job. Then you would have a lot less time to be worrying about this boyfriend. If he's causing you to play the guessing game so soon, the future doesn't look too bright.

Answer 6

Try talking to him about the stupid things you two fight over and say that in order to stop the dumb fights and to keep the relationship healthy, you two have to compromise and let things go once in awhile.

You can have a boyfriend and be independent too. Just spend time with your friends and have a life outside of him.

Answer 7

i guess you fear of beign alone.being left out.maybe some experiences in life had made you to feel this way, though your an adult now.perhaps there are loads of arguments between yourself and your bf over you being too senstive? its not your fault if you are beign sensitive about him.you want attention from him.that's all.but its good that you realise that the arguments you have is over silly things.and you can overcome it.i can see that you want to live up your life by not ebing too dependant on him- as its hurting you? what you can do is.try to get to know of yourself better? get to know what you really want in life. and work for it.go for your goals-im sure you have many.and in the meantime, fill in your life with your interests. if you like reading, grab some books and read.books with lots of characters and emotions can help you to see there are loads of characters out there in life and how they settle their life.at times it gives you spirit.and ideas to live up your life.you can also hang out with friends and do things you like the most when your guy is busy.
in orde to avoid problems with him- get to know the root of the problem then rectofy it together.have a good communication. i'm sure things will work out

Answer 8

how old are you ? arguing is not a big dill everyone has there own ideas. if he belittles yours then get out if it is a compromise then work with it give and take. to be dependent on someone will always be a problem unless you work it out your independents is something you have to work on try not to hold your problems against him.

Answer 9

Sorry cant help cuz am stuck in the same rut....will check on the answers to help meself too...Good luck!

Answer 10

Really, this has nothing to do with this guy - it only involves you.. I think you know why you two are not working out - I don't think you are really so much into him as you are into the idea of him - or really just the idea of someone being there for you and I understand that but now is the time to try to work away from that and to try to get to be a whole person all by yourself - no relationships will work out until you make that happen for you and it won't be too easy to change the way you feel - but you can.. and it really is not that hard either - you see it now - so that is good - now you just need to take some actions to change how you feel. - People can see our insecurities - they aren't really that hidden at all..they come out so much in what we do, how we act and what we say..

I know you say you really like him-- but I wonder about that - if you even really know that since it sounds like you have not taken the time to even get to know you that well and to know what you like in someone else.. you may think that you really like him -OR maybe you really do - but the way you feel inside is what is going to prevent this or any other relationship from working right now because you have not yet developed a healthy relationship with yourself.

Well first it sounds like you have to build up your self esteem - you are probably just settling for this guy to be with anyone instead of being alone. If you don't love yourself and feel complete alone first - you really can't be ready to offer much to anyone - and they say no one can love you - and you can't love anyone the way you should or they should until you love yourself.

More self esteem would make you see clearer - know that you deserve respect and someone who you enjoy being with - not just who you settle for. Try finding some things to do to keep yourself entertained when you are alone - hobbies. Men never like women who seems to needy or jealous when they want to do other things without us. The best way to be in a relationship is to WANT that person in your life - not to feel like you need them there - it won't work if you feel like that which is why you two are having these problems - you really aren't with him for him - just so you don't have to be alone.

Don't depend on a guy - know one thing - in life, all we have for sure is ourselves - that is it - in the end - just us - not him - no one but ourselves. You have to be your own "biggest fan" - your own advocate - you have to feel better about yourself to want better for yourself. If you have some issues from the past (who doesn't :) - maybe you can go talk to a therapist a few times a week - if you think you need to( since you mention depression you may want to) Sometimes it is good to get an outside perspective from a professional - you don't have to feel like this - you can be happy and then happy with someone else.. Relationships are based on communication,love, trust , respect - and this one does not sound like it has much of any of those things.. if any of them at all.

You are just wasting time with this guy cause you probably don't really even like him. I would end things and get to know urself for a while - what you like and who you are - try to think of it as exciting to start finding these things out - No one can make you happy if even you - who is supposed to know you best - can't.

So - those things are essential for you - be nice to yourself - say positive things to yourself each morning - may be awkward and you may not believe it at first, but repition will get it into your head - u r a good person, you deserve to be happy and loved and to have someone special - you are beautiful inside and out,etc - tell yourself these things. If you don't feel those things. no one will ever be able to make you feel them.

It sounds like you do depend on him too much and that you have to learn to be alone right now - to be happy with that time for yourself and enjoy it - some women cherish it (I do) -- but I used to be and feel the same way - I never wanted to be alone, I dated some guys I laugh about now just to be with someone - anyone - just to get out of the house and out of my head - BUT - the most important thing in life is to be ok in your own skin, to be comfortable with yourself and you really need this time to do that and if you need to see a therapist right now just to talk to and get all of the things going on inside - out -- then do that - there is nothing wrong with that at all. If the depression is severe, you may need some medication for the time being.

I am not sure how old you are but around puberty , I really felt like this - wasn't sure who I was and what I wanted in life but now, at 28, I do - I am still learning who I am and my relationship now is great because I am happy with myself, trust him and I know it is ok and I can have fun alone too - being with him makes my world a better place but not the only place - good luck - :o)