I hate my marriage. What should i do now?

Question

Dear friends,
I got married last month in another country and returned to my place now. It's an arrange marriage and i never know this guy before i marry. I met him once before my marriage and i figured out he was not my dream guy. I refused this marriage but my family forced me to marry this guy. Also, the guy family doesnt want to stop the marriage because they have invited everyone for the wedding. Finally, i had no choice & forced by them to marry this guy. After, marriage i tried to live happy life with him. But...the problem started. Each night, When he touched me i didnt feel anything. During that one month, i never enjoyed any sex and i am still virgin. He is a very nice guy and he said it will take time. In my side, i am very scared of my life. I feel like i lost my life somewhere. In my culture its not easy to divorce someone or living alone. Does anyone experienced this kind of life after marriage? Does he have any problem or me?

Answer 1

Monikka, get to know this man. Treat him with common courtesy. Appreciate the respect he has shown you. The least you two can do is be friends. Appreciate your financial security. Teach him about who you are. Find the things you can admire about this man. When you have a relationship built on friendship then you can start building a marriage.

My best friend in High School's parents never met until she got off the boat here and they got married. They are still married. They had 3 great kids and have 12 grandchildren. They treat each other with more respect than any other couple I have ever known, and I am 48 now. Give it a shot. Maybe it's not all just family. Maybe God has given you a gift.

Why don't you keep it and open it in layers?

Answer 2

Well.... Difficult situation you have there. One thing I can be sure though is that your husband is a considerate person. He could have forced you to have sex with him and that would have been worse.

If these things are normal in your culture, then i guess your parents have a very good reason for letting you marry with this guy. Find out what that reason is, for all you know, he could actually be the right person for you.

Give it a little bit more time. Find out more what you like or dislike... And most imporatntly, use that time to determine if your marriage is worth the try or best for you to just let go...

I am so sorry, I wish I could be of more help. Marriage is not supposed to be a sad thing...

Answer 3

I think the problem stems from your closedness out of fear, and the many changes that have happened in a short period of time. Remember that many women in your culture have felt the way you do in the early stages of marriage, and you should gain faith that these very same women have come out of the trying times with success! You should start setting goals, small steps to starting a relationship. You must work on opening up to him. Your ultimate desire for happiness depends on this very effort. You cannot afford to divorce, or you will be guaranteed to live a miserable life. Your family and his family will totally alienate and disown you. You might try to leave your family and make it on your own and seek a Western way of life. But understand you are an adult and your culture is ingrained. You will be highly uncomfortable with American customs and again this will decrease your chances of finding love and marriage. Stay positive and be grateful your husband is a nice person and one who will protect you.

Answer 4

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...

Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy, And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.

Answer 5

Sorry to tell you this but the problem is yours. You say you were forced to marry him. This is not true. Nobody held a gun to your head.

In cultures where marriages are arranged there is usually strong feelings of respect for the culture. If you didn't respect your culture enough to respect the husband chosen for you then you should not have married.

It sounds to me like the husband that was chosen for you is very nice and trying to be very understanding. It is you that is not giving this marriage a chance. You should feel very fortunate that your parents chose a mate for you that is kind and loving. He could have forced himself onto you by now.

You should have at least respected this man enough to express your feelings before the marriage.

I don't know where you are from or where you live now but I am from the U.S. and here we supposedly marry for "love." However, the divorce rate is at least 50% here and much of the reason for that is because our mate didn't turn out to be our "dream guy" or "dream gal." But... we as Americans in general lack the respect it takes to keep a marriage going.

It is not important to have your "dream guy" What is important is having someone who respects you as an individual and is willing to do his best to ensure happiness in the marriage. From what you have described so far you have that in your husband. Now it is your turn to return the respect and be willing to ensure the happiness of the marriage.

I know a woman from Bangladesh (if I remember correctly) Her marriage was also arranged. She never met her husband prior to the marriage. Her husband was already living in the U.S. (he was also from Bangladesh) and without knowing anyone here including her husband she bravely left everyone and everything she knew to come live with him. She didn't even know how to speak English. She was brave and her husband was also very nice and understanding and willing to ensure the happiness of the marriage. She lost him 16 years later to death. They were very happy and she refuses to even date anyone else since his death.

I believe if you have respect for your culture then if you give this marriage a real oppurtunity to grow you will find happiness.

As far as you feeling as if you lost your life in your culture... your life still exist... you just have to find it within your marriage. If your culture allows for the wife to work or do other activities outside the home then your life is still in tact. Find what makes you happy outside the home... maybe volunteer work, or a career, maybe crafts or learning to play a musical instrument. Just make sure your activities don't interfere in your duties as a wife (by your cultures standards)

You can make this work and be happy... but first you have to decide you want to.

Answer 6

I don't think either of you has a personal problem but a societal one. I would have explained to him and everyone involved that I was not going to follow the cultural tradition and moved. Now I would explain to everyone that I have the rest of my life and I choose not to be unhappy and I am going to divorce. Good luck

Answer 7

i think your husband sounds nice. in a culture like the one you describe, he could have forced himself on you, but he didnt. this shows that he really cares and respect you as a woman, and he is trying to work things out with you and to build love in this relationship. sometimes we bear bitterness especailly over things we cannot control or reject. and since you are being force into this marriage, it doesnt help much either. my suggestion is that you get to know your husband as a friend first. it will help if you see it as your personal choice to want to try being friends with him first. you may be surprised that many times, fate can be really nice to you and he may really be your soulmate, just that you havent realise it yet.

Answer 8

If you're not happy, leave as soon as possible. It will only get worse especially if your heart is not in it. And please if you are still a virgin, dont sleep with him. You should be happily in love with the one you marry, not sad. I wish you the best sweetie.

Answer 9

You are just another toy for him to play with. Don't worry when he is done playing with you and you are all used up he will put you out like yesterday's trash. You are just his toy and he will replace you very soon because you are not worth him keeping too long.

Answer 10

The whole situation is the problem maybe you should just leave if your not happy, I dont know what country your in but I dont belive in arranged marriges its just not right...