How do I separate myself from the father of my child?

Question

I became pregnant July 2005 and at the time I was no longer dating my ex-boyfriend. At first he told me everything would be ok, then a week later he admited he was not ready to become a father. In other words he was 20yrs old and wanted to party! It was pprobably one of the worst pregnacy's ever. It was extremly hard not having any support from him. After having my daughter, I thought things would get better between us, but of course they didn't. I have put up with verbal abuse for the past 15 months and nothing is getting any better. I am such a better person than the way he makes me feel, but I just won't let him go? I am so... despret for help, I have no idea what it will take to make me snap back to reality. He has litterally ruined every bit of my self-esteam. I feel as though I will never be the person I was before I ever met him. Most of all, I am more wrapped up in him that I am my 6mo baby girl. ! How can I get over him if I have to keep in contact with him because of our baby

Answer 1

It is so difficult..........You can't see any other life because you haven't had time without him.

You have a beautiful healthy daughter, who you obviously raise yourself.......

There are some wonderful men out there who would make you feel special and spoil you rotten, which in turn would make you feel stronger..........Your attitude would then reflect on your daughter and it will make you two closer............Women need to feel wanted and beautiful and if he puts you down all the time you are always yearning for that affection from him...........YOU WON'T GET IT, he is just a selfish little boy as for seeing him because of your daughter ask family if they can help out for the time being.............He can collect her from your mum/friend etc.....

Believe in yourself, its your life and you choose with paths to follow, get happy you decide how and when..........

Answer 2

I had my daughter when i was 22. I, too, had a rough pregnancy and spent the majority of it alone. The difference was, my daughters father was 31 at the time. We got back together a few weeks before the birth and by the time she was 3 months old, I packed up my belongings and left one day. I have never looked back.

I went through hell with him stalking me and making me feel guilty. Let me tell you, my daughter is 13 now and I did it on my own. I went through 4 years of university and obtained my degrees. I work as a professional full time and also run my own web design company on the side. I own my own house, car, and everything. Its mine and I did it on my own...and he hasn't been seen in 7 years.

My point - if I can do it, so can you.

Don't be afraid to take this punk to the curb with the rest of the trash. Don't keep him around out of fear of being alone, because I swear to you - you're better off without him. Especially if you're investing more time in him then your child! Refocus your energy back into whats important - the baby and YOU. Go to court and get child support and forget about him.

I promise you this - keep your focus clear, as well as your head, and you will succeed. And so will the baby. :)

Answer 3

SAFETY PLAN ( I USED THE PLAN AND WORKED FOR ME)

Decide ahead of time where you will go and how you will get there the next time he becomes violent.

Leave $20 or more, an extra set of car keys and extra clothing hidden outside of your house or at a neighbor or friend's house.

Keep important documents, (birth certificates, medical records, financial records, marriage license, etc) hidden near an exit or at a neighbor or friends house.

Tell someone you trust about the violence. Develop friendships with neighbors. Ask them to call police if they hear suspicious noises coming from your house.

Develop a code word with your children, neighbors or friends that lets them know you need to get out immediately.

Let your children's teachers and school principles know enough about your situation so that they can respond supportively in a crisis. Ask them not to release the children to your abusive partner if you should report to them that you are about to leave home.

During an abusive episode, try to avoid being cornered in a place where there are weapons or sharp or heavy objects.

Do Not try to fight back if he seems to be "building up," especially if he is drunk or on drugs. Instead, get out of the house. If you cannot leave safely, keep your back toward an open space, not a corner.

If you do leave, always take your children.

Call the police at 911 to report any incident of violence.


Remember: You do NOT deserve to be hit. SAFETY PLAN
Took me a long time now Im copig with Trauma came close to death sept 5th this year 2006

Answer 4

first off,you don't have to put up with the abuse...any kind of it be it verbal, physical whatever. is your child in the room when he yells at you? I went through that and worse for yrs until I put my foot down and realized that they were that way because of their insecurities.They need to have that feeling of control. You need to think about your child and yourself. Do you really want your daughter to grow up with this in her life? What is going to happen when she gets older? Are you going to allow him to treat her the same way?
The choice is YOURS. Understand that you can be a strong and independent woman. You can make it on your own. You need to start putting yourself first instead of him.
Your child should be your reason. Not him. Having a child doesn't always fix relationships.
You don't have to keep in touch with him because of your baby. You can have either a friend or other family member take messages for you from him. He can visit you with other people there if you don't feel safe. But these are just some ideas that might help you. Good luck to you and God Bless

Answer 5

Wow! That sounds so familiar! I went through the exact same thing except my son was born in july 2005. Everything you said i went through. It was so hard. I think it's because when you have a baby with somebody you feel that much closer to them. It's going to take a long time to get over him. And to tell you the truth, It probobly wont happen until you just get sick of his bullshit, and say to yourself.... " Enough of this ****! He's not going to make me feel like crap anymore. I deserve better than this and so does my daughter."

You wont be able to taake care of your daughter properly until you stop worrying about him so much. I'm telling you this beacuse It happened to me. Now I am with a great guy and I cant stand the sound of my baby fathers voice.
if you ever need someone to talk to you can email me at [e-mail] or [e-mail]

Answer 6

Don't forget the practical side of a separation - and do some research as to where you will live and how you will pay the bills (if he does that at the moment.) Try looking for your local Citizens Advice Bureau, who will probably give you an idea of who can help. Have you also looked at mum and baby groups? It sounds like you need to spend some time with other single mums, who could boost your confidence and give you lots of tips. If you dont know where to find these groups, a good place to ask is your local library.

Answer 7

I know exactly how you feel I went threw all this stuff and it hurts I had my daughter when I was 19 and the father was 21 he cheated on me threw my pregnacy and after continued on for years bringing my self-esteem way DOWN hill and depressed and obsesed on what is he doing? where is he at? Is he coming home tonight? and it went on all this pain I was all on him instead of my daughter. Now I can say berely a couple of months ago I realize all this stuff he does to me is bullshit and I was not going to put up with it anymore my daughter is 4 and Im 24 now my whole life has changed for the better my self-esteem for myself is way high I feel good no stresses about what he does I realize if he wants to do what he does then let him why go after him now I been dating guys like crazy and I feel good. Now that I am happy my ex wants to ask me to marry him are you serious I told him and he said yes I realize all the stuff I done to you and etc.... I was like no. My feelings for him faded and I dont care what he does in his life well of course he is there for our daughter he is a great dad. E-mail me at [e-mail] and I can let you know more I know how you feel and it sucks to feel that way

Answer 8

You are right, you will never be the person you were before you met him. You not only have his memories but a child also.

You know he is not good for you, so just kick him out of your life, spend some time without dating until you are healthier and never try to force your wishes on another person.

You were immature for having his baby. He didn't want to be a father and you cannot force a man to care about his child. You may say it's not fair, but it's the truth. Life is not always fair.

Answer 9

No. You do not have to keep in contact with him because of your baby. If he has a LEGAL custody arrangement you have to let him have visitation. But if he has not gone to court to give you child support and arrange for visitation you owe him nothing. If he is verbally abusive to you, he will be to his daughter too. Keep that in mind. At least you were strong once, she will never have that chance if you allow him to be in her life. If a judge gives him visitation rights, tell the judge you need to have a safe haven pick up and drop off because he is verbally abusive to you. When my ex left me it took a few months. Because not having someone degrage you every day takes time to wwear off. But once it did I was a new person. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Answer 10

chances are the keeping in contact with him because of the child will slowly but surely lessen. if he is young and immature, then eventually his priorities will become less and less having to do with your daughter. men come and go, and your daughter is forever. she is a piece of you, and he is a piece of something else :) trust me i am saying this b/c i was in your situation. my child is 10 now, and believe me watching a baby grow into a child is amazing, you really get a feel for what is important. what u need is your friends too. try to go out here and there, have some fun, do some things that you havent been able to do in a while, laugh and see whats out there. between that and raising your kid, he will start to fade out of your priority list. good luck :)