What do you think of my poem?

Question

I have to recite at poetry group next week (50 people) contructive criticism fine, no mean answers please and thank you.

http://danielle524-rambles.blogspot.com/

Answer 1

This is a poem of teen angst. It doesn't make sense that it is chopped up and slowed down by the repetition of the question. The sense of angst would come across more clearly if it became a runon sentence. I'm no poet, but this is how I would change it:

WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THIS?

What part of the game is this, when I’m sitting here contemplating your every move.
What part of the game is this?
Wondering if you see me?
What part of the game is this when I can’t take my eyes off you?
What part of the game is this?
Where I don’t think I’m good enough?
What part of the game is this?
Where I think you’re too good to be true?
What part of the game is this?
When I’m plotting and planning to get next to you.

What part of the game is this?
When you invade my thoughts and take my mind and leave nothing of you behind, I can’t see past you or behind me I’m so hypnotized I’m frozen and so captivated I can’t speak.

What part of the game is this?
Where I’m bewitched at your presence and beguiled when you speak, I’m love-drunk and love sick at the mention of your name, I’m enraptured and enthralled, whenever you look at me, I see a chick standing next to you, wishing to God it was me as my skin swelters from jealousy I can’t find one thing to hate about you I don’t want to hate you or dislike you, I just want to transfer this feeling of enchantment from me to you for me.

What part of the game is this, when there is no one around to tell me what part of the game this is?

Answer 2

I like it except maybe you could answer the question you keep asking, "what part of the game is this?" by giving it a name. The whole poem seems as if it is leading towards something and it just ends with the key question remaining unanswered. We never learn what part of the game it is and we are left off at the end no better than where we started from. All and all though, a pretty a good poem.

Answer 3

The idea of it is good but I would say, "what part of the game is this" ---- with a few sub-thoughts to go with it instead of having the same lead for each thought. Also, it gets a little busy and is falling apart in that the theme goes off track from general curiosity to ambiguous feelings that are hard for the reader to fully interpret. Still, a good shot at getting those feelings into poem format.

Answer 4

Its good except the repeating line of "what part of the game is this" is over done. Try incorporating something else in its place like " Forty love but its my serve" or "I got a hole in one but you won't be seeing it". You get it? Incorporate sports talk or something in it's place.

Answer 5

Very nice, excellent use of language. I like the layout of your blog too. :)

Answer 6

thats beautiful sweety pie

Answer 7

I like it just the way it is...not there.

Answer 8

it's nice, i like it :)

Answer 9

i THINK IT SUCKS BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!