Should I leave my husband? I'm not in love anymore - we've been together for 7 years and married for 3.

Question

When we got married, we just gotten back together from a 6 month break up. I found out I was preganant almost right away and because of pressure from my family, we got married. For the past three years, we tried to be good to each other and good parents to our now 2 year baby boy. The problem is, I feel like although he loves me, he doesnt show it anymore. He spends a lot of time watching sprots and playing games. I usually dont mind, but when he's doing that, he doesnt help me out much around the house or with our son. We've had sex issues since we got married. He basically didnt want to have sex with me because I was pregnant and then after that, it was because I had gained weight, mind you had had gained a lot of weight as well. We lost weight together, but he's still not attentive, not romantic and I just dont feel in love with him anymore. He's like my best friend, but thats it. I dont know if I want to stay. We first met when I was 18 and I feel my need and wants have changed.

Answer 1

The problem to some degree may be simply that you two have been together for a long time. In a long term relationship the lust factor fades because it is based upon an actual chemical reaction in your body that occurs when you two are first together. There is nothing you can do to get that back, however, couples that stay together for the long haul learn to work their way through this issue and end up stronger. The first thing you need to do is communicate with him. Talk about how you feel and discuss ways to accommodate what both of you enjoy without each of you feeling like the other is forcing you to do this or that. The second thing you need to do is get back to focusing on the small things in your relationship like holding hands, kissing, snuggling, taking walks, and just enjoying being together. I bet a lot of that has been missing and is making this gap between you two larger than it really is. Try working on these things before deciding that everything is over, you may find you both just had gotten into a rut and needed a little push to get out of it and find your way.

Answer 2

You have to find your own way though this, listen to your heart. I have been married for 2 years and been with my husband for a total of 7 also. I actually did leave and now we are trying to work things out. He neglected me and started to treat me badly so I left. Television was more important then I was and I felt like I was alone even though I was in the same bed as him. Does this sound familiar? I changed also and that is one of the things that made me leave. I wanted bigger things in life and I felt like I was being suffocated, that if I stayed that things would stay the same and I would die inside. My advice is to take a break from each other. When your apart from someone sometimes you see things more clearer. I am getting my life together and so is he. I told him we may or may not get back together but that we needed to get ourselves together before we could decide. Go on dates again and see the side of him that you haven't seen in a while. ya'll will either see that you can live with out each other or fall in love again. Counseling is something you should look into also. Good luck.

Answer 3

What I gather from your description, is that he isn't speaking your language of love. You want him to be more attentive, to be more romantic to you. He may not know that you're feeling this way. And men are no mind-readers. (Neither are women!)

Also, it isn't that you don't love him. You do! You are just not sure about his love for you, anymore.

Did you tell him that you're feeling miserable? Does he know how you feel? You need to also tell him you need him to take a more active role in caring for your child.

Find a time when BOTH of you aren't tired ("book" a time slot with him if necessary), and then, sit and talk at a place where you can communicate without any distractons or interruption.

Marriage doesn't come by easily; cherish it by giving yourself and your best friend of a hubby a chance to mend the marriage. And if it still doesn't work out, it wouldn't be too late for divorce! Just know that problems took time to form, and so do "solutions".

Don't just consider how you feel. By saving your marriage, you'll be giving your child a very good chance to grow up in a family where there are 2 parents to support your child mentally and emotionally. Good luck!

Answer 4

Well, does he treat you with respect and kindness? Does he pay attention to your needs? That's foremost.

If he's just a roomie and has been around a while, don't mistake that for love. Love is more than a history of a relationship. It takes two to communicate. Communication styles vary amongst individuals. The best marriages are where both parties have similar styles and effort levels.

Personally, I need someone more than a couch potato. A person that primarily sits on the couch watching sports and paying games is not my idea of a relationship person. It sounds like you want to be more active with activities that involve the entire family. If he is willing to do so, make some of those changes. If he still isolates himself in his own world, ask him if he still wants to be married and then he needs to prove it.

Intellectual pursuits as well are meaningful. If you have a thirst for knowledge and he doesn't, that stymies your zest for life and that of your child as well. Children need parents that are involved.

Many people grow & change all of our lives. If you are not happy and he and you are not coming up with a plan to improve the marriage - counseling, books, exercises etc. then you might consider it. But, first you must analyze what's wrong together. If he continues to be uninvolved and less of a communicator, then consider moving on and next time find a person who matches your communication needs and vice versa! :) Life is short, be happy!

By the way, not all children from divorced homes suffer. I'm so sick of that myth. My parents divorced when I was 15 and it was much more peaceful at home and my mom was much happier and she thrived after my Dad was gone. The horror stories of divorce do not apply to every case. Many women I know that divorced are so glad they did it earlier than later as well. They're all successful, happy women and are dating men or married to men that treat them much better than their first husbands.

Answer 5

Yoou need to do some soul searching and find out what you really want in life and maybe try to put the spark back into your relationship and maybe it just a phase that you are going through. Try a romantic night out on the town or even at home. Get a sitter for the night and see if you can reunite that loving feeling you once had. If that doesnt work then maybe it is time to move on but dont give up so soon.

Answer 6

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...

Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy, And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.

Answer 7

Whats worth more to you, making the relationship work, or being happy? Also, Do you think that making the relationship work will make you happy. You have to ask yourself, "If I were to die in 6 months, what dreams must I experience?"

Also, he may not even know you are unhappy. Its very easy to fall into a comfortable routine once you get married, especially for men, they feel like they have reached a goal, when really, it has just begun.

You gotta speak up and say directly what you want to say. Men are very direct and talk only on the surface.

Answer 8

There is nothing wrong with being married to your best friend. I am happily married to my best friend. Yes, we have been through all of the things you described, but we stayed together and worked it out.

I would never suggest divorce. If you are looking for a Prince Charming, he does not exist.

First, you must realize that it is no one's job to make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself. If that means getting a hobby or a job, or taking classes, do it. I would definitely suggest counseling, either marriage - if he is willing to do so - or by yourself.

Have you discussed your feelings with your husband? That would be good place to start.

Answer 9

Everyone gets divorced at the first sign of trouble--why be an exception? Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, do not talk to him about your feelings or what you see as the problems with the relationship as this may cause tension and some sad moments for you both. Avoid sadness at all costs. Oh, I forgot, you have a child---never mind.

Answer 10

You say he's your best friend, yet you want to put him through the process of divorce? Divorce is an awful process, no matter how "amicable" it may be. Love is a choice, not a feeling - choose to stay committed to your man. Sounds like you need some romance in the relationship...spice it up a little!