Have you been with your partner (married or otherwise) for more than 5+ years?

Question

I'm seeking some insight into how and why people stay with their partners for a long time. I'm not looking for a Hollywood style, romantic love story from anyone.

I want to know the gritty truth of how difficult it gets, how many times people have been tempted to just give up...

But why you didn't.

I suppose, in a society where you feel like divorce is just another answer to your problems, I'm looking for REAL peoples' reasons to why staying is worth it.

I ask this because I see a lot of people around me who are unhappy but stay with their patners. I'm just trying to get into their heads. Call it... research for a curious, forward thinking mind.

Before any assumptions are made about me: I'm taken.

"How do you know the couples you look at are unhappy?"

I see couples who:

- will bicker
- back bite
- scowl when they look at each other
- ignore each other
- feel sickened/annoyed when they hear the other's voice
- complain to me about their partner
- talk about how they wish they could leave their partner
- cry because their partner hurt them (emotionally)
- feel hopeless that their partner will ever change for them
- forget how they could have ever been in love with their partner

The ironic thing is, most of the people who approach me have at least 4 or 5 of the above mentioned characteristics, and they've all been together 5+ years. I've seen roughly 40% of the couples I knew break up. The remaining 60% are continuing their struggle.

"... but the main reason we stay together is because we love each other very much..."

A lot of people have said this. And a lot of people THINK they know they are in love. How is it you know your love is sustainable?

"... maybe the fact that we are two total opposites, also helped..."

This is very confusing because if two people are total opposites, how is it they found anything in common to keep them together?

(By the way, my partner and I are opposite personalities, too - I know the answer to my relationship, just curious about yours! ^_^ )

Answer 1

21 years. First and only marriage for both. I'm not going to lie, it can be hard at times, but we've found the secret to a successful marriage. You have to truly care for each other. You have to be willing to receive as well as give. Most people find it easy to give in a relationship, but find it extremely difficult to receive to the point where the other partner stops trying. Get married for the right reasons. Be honest with yourself. The so called "hotness" wears off after a while. You have to find what makes your partner "feel" loved, and then do whatever it takes to do it. That's where the caring part comes in. And both parties have to want the same thing, and be willing to do what it takes.

Answer 2

We've been together 10 years, married for 4.

I think we work because he's fantastic at saying sorry! I am the one who makes sure we talk things through, he would hide away from problems but I don't let him. It only makes things worse.

But talking things through wouldn't work unless as well without someone admitting liability for whatever the problem was. I can do it occasionally but not if I can get away with it.

I'm a bit of a bully. But I do love him and really appreciate him. I'm lucky to be married to such a gentleman and I do tell him this often.

I would not have married unless I was 100% sure. Some people think you can never be 100% but I am. Perhaps they have not met the right person.

Many marriages split, I believe, because people find it hard to be alone. They seem to think its better in a dead end relationship than to be single- its not. There are other couples who love each other but get stuck in a rut of arguing. Its almost as if thats the only way they can show their emotional feelings about each other. If only they had the confidence/guts/knowledge to change their situation.

I love my green-haired punky husband to bits and I married him for life < :o)

Answer 3

Been with the same person for 22 years. Through the good times and the bad times, we know each other. We have the good fortune to love each other. Have not been tempted to just give up; that would be quitting on the love of the person I selected in the first place. How do you know the couples you look at are unhappy? No one on the outside looking in could fully understand the relationship between two people .

Answer 4

I have been with my husband for 10 years and we have been married for 6. We have separated 2 times, one before we had children, and once 3 years after our marriage. I think that we left each other because reality got to real, and we weren't ready to grow up. And I think we got back together when we realized that reality was scary without each other. We have worked real hard on our relationship, and we have never mentioned divorce, but that's not to say that it will never happen again. I believe that people can wake up one day and not feel the same about the person beside them, so all I can do on my part is try to make him as happy as I possibly can for the rest of our lives. Sounds stupid, but I love him.

Answer 5

Married 7 together 8. Why I stay with him...for all the good things he is.

The gritty truth in a nutshell is things go south when condeming someone for the things they are not.

You hit a point when you have heard all his stories know all his quirks. Sometimes the quirks you originally liked start to annoy you.

I have been tempted MANY times in the past 3 years to start again with someone who might have the traits he is lacking that I am seeking.

What keeps me with him is the fact that I am smart enough to recognize that one person won't have what he is lacking and what he has.

Besides that, we have a neutral relationship. There are not the highs and lows so it is a safe place and I can be myself.

Answer 6

We've been together for 8 years and married for 2 & half. This is my 2nd marriage and my husband's 3rd. We are best friends - soulmates even. The thing about getting older is that you learn by your mistakes (hopefully!). Things that we would have had a row about in previous marriages, we both now think "it's not important". We both have faults that drive each other mad, but as an example, I think "I would rather him leave the dishcloth dripping wet through, than have a wrung out dishcloth and him not be here". Experience has taught us a lot about relationships, but unfortunately, you can't put old heads on young shoulders! It is hard at times, but if you're truly happier being with someone than being without them, you work hard at the bad bits. Marriage/relationships don't just happen, you have to work hard at them.

Answer 7

People stay with there partners for lots of reasons money, security, children and also becuase they think that by them spliting up people will judge them. I also know a lot of people who stay in relationships even though they are very unhappy. The grass is not alway greener on the other side, all relationships have problems and people get hurt all the time. If people finished one relasioship and then went on to another they would have problems but different problems........

Answer 8

I got married when i was 20 years old, and now 32 years later, we are still together. We have had two wonderfull daughters, and although we had some rough patches, we worked it out, and was happier every time after such an event. Love is the answer, and like everything else worth while in life, one has to work hard at it, to achieve to required results. And maybe the fact that we are two total opposites, also helped, as in the case of many of my now divorced mates that was married to their so called soul mates, it just did not work out for them.

Answer 9

I met my husband via a blind date 41 years ago. Got engaged in just over a month, married in 1 year and 5 days, because the parents wanted to have time to save up for the Wedding Day!
We are quite opposite in ways and ideas, we have had our rows mainly over children and money, but never allowed to go to sleep on an arguement. My husband beleives that anyone who says they have NOT had the occassional row, is either a liar, or one of the partnership is being downtrodden or bullied.
As our lives have progressed, we have grown closer, especially over hard periods of our lives. I adore my husband, and he spoils me rotten. We look forward to spending our retirement years together next year. We have a warm loving relationship.
On holiday, people remark on us walking hand in hand, and our daughters have both said, they hope for the same relationships with their partners.

I have been so cross I have walked out the front door, only to return home half hour later by the back! We all suffer with kinee jerk reactions from time to time, best to recognise it in one another as well as ourselves.

After a days work, we sit and talk about our day, and have a hug, its like coming home! And when he smiles at me, its like being bathed in a warm glow! He tells me, he has never regretted our marriage, and would do it all over again if he could.

The secret I think is GIVING and TAKING, its a partnership, respect works both ways. Personal space allowed for our hobbies and interests. Trust, is important, its something that is earned and valued. And I just think we are both very lucky to have found one another. I love him to bits !!!

Answer 10

almost seven years now married nearly two. We get on each others nerves from time to time. That's life. But we love each other whatever that means. Maybe it helps that we are both islanders, Iceland and Ireland? and are committed for life. I left my first partner in 1993 after staying for 24 years. It took seven years before I committed a second time, though I did not stay lonely.

Now am I male or female Irish or Icelandic?