Adopted and Birth Family rejects why? how?

Question

Hello, My brother was given up for adoption at birth... He looked for a few years and gave up finding his birth mother... well I looked for a couple of weeks and upon finding her I was told "she gave him up over 30 years ago and does not want to look back" The birth mother will not share ANY information with him... including the name of his birth father... (listed unknown) Why would someone act like this? I did not contact her to bother her... or have my brother be part of her life... medical information is a good thing and why not share it... I personally feel he has the right.

How can anyone not care about a child they gave birth to? How can someone give life away to say not look back again?

Answer 1

I am so sorry this is happening. I adopted a daughter 26 years ago and she is all mine and we love each other very much. She considered searching for her birth mom then changed her mind. She has the medical history. It is a shame that this woman won't give that information out.

The birth mom was most likely very very young and lived in a situation where bringing up a child would be impossible. Some mothers who give a child up for adoption are so hurt and devistated by the loss that they just have to shut that door to the past or they just can't surrive. Others might have extreem poverty or have drug habit issues.

Being an OB nurse in the past I never saw a mother give up a child because they didn't want it......it was always because they didn't have the means or ability to care for the child and the greatest gift of love that they can give the child is to give them up.
Then they move on with their lives. Some emotionally shut out that part of life becasue they can't deal with it or they haven't ever told anyone about the baby so that part of their life is private.

It is probably true that the birth father is unknow. If your brother's birth mother was very young and messing around with more than one guy it is possible she doesn't know who it is. Or maybe the birth father was married and she vowed to protect him.
Any way it isnt fair,it never will be.

It could be that the birth mother is so emotional distraught over the loss that she has shut down onthat part of her life.

Answer 2

This must be very difficult for you and your brother. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. I think when some people give a baby up for adoption it is because they know the child will have a better life, and it seems obvious that your brother has a sister who cares for him more than "a birth sister" would. The birth mother must have a valid reason, perhaps she was raped, or some other unimaginable thing (incest) happened and she does not want to relive that time of her life. Maybe she never told anyone about the child and if she has been married for 25 years or so, it would be hard to explain to her husband living a lie for all those years (what else did she lie about?) Just keep supporting and loving him as you have, you are his family she simply carried the embryo to term.

Answer 3

She is frightened. She has a whole new life now and if he comes into it she is afraid he'll make her life a mess. She may have been raped, you know. It could have been incest. She wants to forget. There are all kinds of reasons. She SHOULD give you a list of medical information to be kind. I would tell her that you will not tell your brother you found her if she will just give you medical history in her family. If you tell your brother about this woman, he will only be more hurt, you know. It seems he was lucky to have been adopted. Sometimes we need to count our blessings.

Answer 4

I can see why she acted that way. It's not that she doesn't care, she just doesn't want to relive that part of her life. Your brother should just focus on the fact that he has a family that loves him.