My friend is having an affair with a married man. I feel so sorry for his wife. Should I tell her?

Question

I am friends with both the wife of the man cheating and the woman he is cheating with. That is why this is such a horrible situation for me. I feel like no matter what I do - I am hurting someone.

Answer 1

You are struggling with doing whats right. I understand that. I would too. The question is.... do you risk your friendship over doing whats right? Obviously your friend knows her man is married. She continues anyway. If the man's wife is also a friend, you have a double whammie. If you know his wife and feel that you have the obligation to let her know, then let her know. But I might handle it differently. You could anonymously get word to him that you know what he si doing and if he doesn't stop seeing his mistress, you'll tell his wifee. That way you get him to stop seeing your friend. The problem is.... he'll probably just replace her with someone else.... and again his wife is a victim.

I don't relish being in your position at all. But you might want to evaluate the reasons this girl is your friend anyway...she obviously is low on morals....

Or you can tell the wife...which will force her hand to take action of some type... she might dump him though and he might end up being with your friend anyway...marry her and then find another mistress so he can cheat on your friend.

The choice is yours...just think it all through first... know the possibilities ahead of time....

Answer 2

Absolutely not.

You may feel better if you get this knowledge off your chest, but it isn't your place.

What you can do is to talk with your friend -- and be a friend. Ask her why she's with a married man. She knows its wrong, but there might be more to the story than you know.

The longer you are around on this earth, the more you will see life in shades of gray, not black and white. (Actually, that's not true.... many very old people are not very wise...they are stuck in certain ways of thinking. Many young people can see through the haze and find the root of the problem.... I guess it boils down to having an open mind!)

Anyway...relationships are very complicated. The only people who know what's going on are the two people in the relationship, and you know what? Even then, their own perception of the events clouds the facts.

Clearly, those who marry generally agree to an exclusive relationship -- and affairs violate that agreement. However, ultimately, things happen for a reason. If this guy is smart, he'll end it with your friend, figure out what is missing in his relationship and either address it, or end it with his wife. Most people who are close know when something is missing or wrong... you don't have to tell her. If he never tells her, but starts treating her right (or maybe, the wife might be the problem?) maybe they can move past it.

You are a good friend to be worried for this woman....and its sad to see people in unfair situations. Hang in there and observe...learn from this.

Answer 3

There is obviously no future with this man. In my opinion, the trust issues alone would ruin this relationship even if he didn't cheat on you. This is a very tricky situation because on one hand he is the one committing adultry and your just a victim and on the other you know what is going on and you feel bad for being a factor in his lies. The smart decision would just be to end it. I'm sure it would be very hard but it seems to him it is just about sex and to you it feels a little more than that. Even if you say it doesn't mean anything ..lets face it...to girls it's rarely ever just about the sex. I think that down the road whether it is a long or short road you will eventually get hurt. So the logical decision would be to end it as soon as you can. As for forgivness, you are not a horrible person. You did not do the cheating and the lying..it still sounds awful but if you really think about it you aren't in as much fault as he is what-so-ever. If you are religious then ask for forgiveness. If not then just end it when you can and except that you can not change what has happend. You were a victim of a lying cheating bastard. Good luck with this!

Answer 4

You might remind your friend that if her guy cheated on his wife that he probably will cheat on her. If you are friends with the wife then you'll have to decide what is the kinder action. If you value the friend that is having an affair more than the mans wife (especially if you don't know her) then it is none of your business..telling the wife I mean. Relationships are very complicated at best..often times it's safer to have a relationship with someone that's already committed because it involves no commitment. You might ask your friend why she's settling for a man who belongs to someone else. She can do much better..Hope I gave you something to think about..Look in your heart and find out what's real.

Answer 5

Are you friends with the wife? I think I might tell the husband that if he does not end the affair, you will tell his wife because she is your friend and you believe that if the situation was reversed, she would tell you. Now, if you are not friends with her, I'd probably stay out of it and tell my friend that is seeing the married man that what she was doing is wrong and it could hurt a lot of people and besides what makes her think he's not seeing someone else besides her. Do you really want a man that will cheat on his wife...is there a future with him?

Answer 6

No. I have a problem telling people things that will hurt them. She'll find out sooner or later. Question I would ask myself if I were you. Do you really want to have a friend like this one? If she is capable of doing this to someone else what makes you think she won't do it to you? Find some friends that have the same values that you do. You are struggling with this for a reason. No harm meant but you will be judged by the company you keep. Birds of a feather flock together. Eagles fly alone. I think that you are a eagle. Love Yourself

Answer 7

NO WAY! Not unless you're prepared to lose the friend forever! Married men don't leave their wives. Just let it play out and pick up the pieces of your friend's broken heart. She'll probably end up telling the wife before its all said and done anyways. You're not involved in this so you should stay out of it completely! Don't lie for her, don't help her do this, but don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong either.

Answer 8

this was da same problem i had last january. my friend was having an affair with a married guy and she was even telling her mom that she was with me, so she can go out with him. i didnt know that it was happening until i got an email. it was terrible.
she was my bestfriend but not anymore. me and da rest of our friends left her. we tried to save her but she is just so stupid.
we threatened her that if she doesnt stop, we are going to look for da wife ( we dont know her) and tell her about da affair. she didnt stop. i think u should tell, if u really are a friend, do everything to save her. she will hate u for a while but maybe one day, she will realise that u did it bcoz u are being a friend. A real friend doesnt close her eyes and mind if her friend is going da wrong way.
pray before u decide... about my friend, well, my used-to-be-friend... she is out there, i heard she's sad bcoz she lost all of her friends. da guy is still married and she is still "da other woman"

Answer 9

Do what your heart tells you, put yourself in the wife's situation would you want to be told? If so then go for it if not then try convincing your friend to give up the affair.

Answer 10

NO NO NO!

rule number one: NEVER tell someone about you or someone else cheating just to ease your conscience.

You don't know what goes on in that marriage, how much she already knows, how much she outs up with. Its hard enough dealing with a cheating partner without others sticking their two pennies worth in.

Its sad but true - what you don't know can't hurt you! (only others who know can!!!)