My husband works as a correction officer from 10pm - 6am, his days off are Monday and Tuesday. I work in a doctors office from 730am - 4pm, my days off are Saturday and Sunday. For the first time this weekend, he was off. He spent both days on the computer all day long. I asked him why he didnt spend any time with me and he tells me on Sunday night at 10pm, that it was because I didnt get dressed. Yet, he gave no inclination that he even wanted to spend any time with me. If I dont look a certain way, he withholds affection and sex. He doesnt like to sleep in the same bed with me because he says I snore (funny, coming from a man that snores too) I just dont think that he really wants this marriage. If he loved me unconditionally, would all of these trivial things matter? Is this marriage over? Why does he even want me around?
2006-10-16 05:56:59 · 28 answers · asked by forever charmed 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We are already in counseling and have been for about two months
2006-10-16 06:05:25 · update #1
If you have to ask the question then the marriage is over,
2006-10-16 05:57:54 · answer #1 · answered by rich2481 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You share as much blame as he does. From the way it sounds, you sat around waiting for HIM to come to YOU to spend time. Unless you left out details, there is nothing to indicate that you took any action to spend time with him. How, if he was off all weekend, did the conversation not come up until Sunday night? Why didn't you bring it up on Saturday to ensure the same thing wouldn't happen on Sunday?
What way is it that he wants you to look that you feel you can't? It's different if he expects you to change yourself. But if he's just asking that you put on a little makeup or wear nice clothes or do things just a little different to turn him on- that's your husband, you're supposed to do those things if you want to keep him. As far as you two sleeping in the same bed, I can understand his point. If your snoring wakes him, it robs him of getting sleep. Why would you want him to be in discomfort just to sleep next to you? The things that you've described are not trival matters if its done all the time. If you walk around the house in shapeless housecoats, how can you expect your husband to react positively- unless he's into shapeless housecoats. I don't know how long you've been married but if things have gotten dry and stale and rather than take matters into your own hands to spice things up, you sit and wait for your husband to do it or feel sorry for yourself if doesn't, yes your marriage is over.
2006-10-16 06:22:20 · answer #2 · answered by Honey 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What do you think? Don't get me wrong, i am not trying to be hard on you, but the question is, do you love yourself? Why are you allowing him to treat like that? And withholding sex & affection? Are you happy with yourself? Girlfriend, if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. Stop making excuses for him and his behavior, you need to allow your intuition to save you from further heartache. Remember at the end of the day you still have YOU! I was in relationship where i valued everything my husband thought of me, but after a rough 1 1/2 year of separation of back & forth, i realized, i had me at the end of the day, and i started to love myself more each day. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. See, he is doing to you what you are allowing him to. My husband never thought i would leave him & he got furious & angry. He tought he was always going to do what he was doing & i would stay around. And let me tell you, when he realized that, he would do anything to save the marriage, by that time, i was on a different level. I knew how I wanted to be treated, needed in my life, and how to go about it.
The only person who can control a relationship is YOU! Maintain your boundaries in how he treats you. HE IS A MAN, NOTHING LESS & NOTHING MORE.
Best of luck to you.
2006-10-16 06:58:38 · answer #3 · answered by famcreole 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no one loves unconditionally. There has to be give and take in any relationship. Why did YOU wait for him to ask you for time? If you know what he likes in order to get attention then do it. All people are selfish in one way or another. Sometimes I prefer the couch when my husband kicks in the bed. So that might be a real issue. Don't let a misunderstanding put a wedge inbetween you and your spouse!
2006-10-16 06:13:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The schedule is rough on the marriage. It sounds like you both have been on your own so long that it has become more comfortable than being together.
The marriage is not over, but you both need counseling and if possible a change in the work schedule so you can spend more time together.
Good luck.
2006-10-16 06:00:43 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The amount of disrespect you should take from anyone is ZERO
If you arent getting th esame amount of respect from your spouse as you get from the guy seeling you milk at the Pic N Tote... then you need to move on. Of course YOU did make him think its okay to treat you like that, but come ON... submissive does not mean DOORMAT..... you have ONLY SO MANY BREATHS LEFT ON THIS EARTH dont waste em being with a clod... get a backbone and tell him how you feel. I used to tell my first husband that if he didnt start acting happy I was going to assume that I did not make him happy and would leave and let him go be with someone who DID make him happy... and I did. BE BRAVE, WOMAN!!!
2006-10-16 06:13:41 · answer #6 · answered by Hillary Dillary 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's terrible!
Of course, that's the situation from your perspective. If he were writing this question, he might have described the situation differently. And that's important to making a determination about the marriage.
That's why relationship counseling may help you. It helps you both see each other's side. I recommend going to a counselor who specializes in marriages before you call it quits.
2006-10-16 06:03:53 · answer #7 · answered by Violet B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my ex husband used to travel alot so we were apart more than together - like you.For the last 2 years we were together he was only home 1 or 2 weekends a month. It just got easier to be alone and after a while I preferred to be alone than with him.........his girlfriend preferred him not to be here, too. I dumped him and found a great guy. Now I am happily married and I love having my husband around. .......sounds like you need to make a change.
2006-10-16 06:02:31 · answer #8 · answered by jachooz 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he raly behavies like this, then he is using you. I think you do all the homework and all the things at home. Right ??? Let him feel how it is without YOU. I think if he realy loves you then he will not let you wait for a long time. I think he is just to much focost in work. He has to feel how it is without you. I am a man and i just say this things because i wouldn't do this. I would love my wife more then my live. So Man's try to love and not to use your wife's.
2006-10-16 06:04:17 · answer #9 · answered by Jamain_Johnson 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree. If you don't know whether or not you have a marraige-you don't. Get into counseling before you get surprised with divorce papers. And you should compromise on a schedule change so you can make your relationship a priority. You have way too much time apart.
2006-10-16 06:00:50 · answer #10 · answered by tallmochagirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well some advice, he sounds tired maybe suggest a back rub before bed and tell him your going to bed and would like him to join you for the rub, the computer willbe forgotten.
We sometimes get in a work mood and need a break it sounds like that was his, to get his attention will help as well.
2006-10-16 06:08:12 · answer #11 · answered by Juleette 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋