I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him anymore. What do I do?!?

Question

I love my husband. We fuss and fight so much that I find myself not wanting to be with him anymore. I hate the thought of divorce, but I am so unhappy. He is so mean to me, disrepectful, and lies. All these things have caused me to find myself wanting out. We have 2 young children and he has just found out he's going to have to have surgery and will not be able to work for 6 months. He has never provided for our family and now I am going to have to fully support us. And I don't think he deserves my support. He does a lot of stuff that bothers me: ie our son has asthema and I cannot get my husband to stop smoking in the house; i hate how fast he drives with me and the kids in the cars and when i ask him to slow down he is very rude to me. He says I nag all the time and that I am a b*tch, but I am just trying to get him to grow up. I want something better in my life and my kids' lives. What do I do?

Answer 1

You really don't love him--you're used to him and feel uncomfortable admitting the truth about your feelings. He sounds like a real inconsiderate person when it comes to the family. How he can smoke around your child with asthma is unconscionable. How is it when a woman has an opinion that goes against a man's, she's a *****, but when it's the man going against the woman's. he's assertive? Maybe you should demand family counseling and if he refuses, do the right thing for yourself and your kids.

Answer 2

It sounds like both of you are under some stress. He may be having a hard time dealing with the responsibility of a wife, kids, and work. He has not fond a way to deal with his stress and he is taking it out on you.
The best thing to do is talk and see a counselor, if you are religious, a pastor or clergy would be best. Also if there is a marriage conference coming up that may help as well.
Leaving should be your last option but also make it know to him the thought is in your mind so he realizes he may lose ever thing.

If he is does not show any signs of change toss all his stuff out in the street change the locks and move on!! Keep the good stuff, you might be able to get something for it at the pawn shop!

Answer 3

Don't file divorce right away. Just leave him for a while and see if the time away will make your hearts grow fonder. Assuming this is not the man you married than he probably gradually became this, getting away with it slower and slower. Now you probably yap at him than give a irritated sigh and wonder out of the room and go pout. He can count on this now. If you leave than you have done something he didn't expect you to do. Move in somewhere else and try working things out that way. You won't be there for him so he'll have to get some responsibility. Just when you leave cut off all support. Don't live some where else and enable him to continue even if he does come whining at the door. The point is to wake him up. If he doesn't care about you than the separation will show it clearly. Than file for divorce. Remember through it all that life is too short to be tortured!! You have to live and enjoy life while you can!! Good Luck, Hun. I hope it works out how you want it too!!

Answer 4

As I know you know, it takes work to make a marriage work. At first I thought you were being a little self serving when you mentioned he was having a surgery and would not be able to work for 6 months. I mean that would be beyond shallow if you wanted to divorce because of that. However, when you said he refuses to stop smoking in the house and your son has a lung condition....that did it for me. He seems to only be concerned with his immediate needs not the long term needs of his family. I really don't think he will change until he is given a reason to change and maybe a trial separation would give him an incentive to step up to the plate and respect the needs and feelings of his family members.

Answer 5

I am so sorry.........he sounds like a very selfish man who has taken everyone for granted. Why in the world would anyone want to harm one of their family??? Why wouldn't he go outside to smoke in order to keep your son well???? That to me is unbelievable!!! My question to you is why do you love him...seriously???? You probably care for him because he is the father of your children, but from the sounds of it he doesn't give a second thought in providing or caring for them or you for that matter! I would tell you what I would do and have done & that is get out if things don't change!! What have you got to lose....love, friendship, caring, respect, financial stability? You say he has never provided, but due to surgery won't work for 6 months. What do you mean by not provided? Sounds like he has been working. It is hard to give advice when only hearing one side of the story. If you are truly unhappy, then you need to really know what you want & be able to care for your children. You say they are young, so how will you have time for them if you are at work most of the time? What has happened that your husband is like this.....has he always been this way or has he changed. Have both of you really ever been able to sit down without pointing fingers & share your true feelings with one another? We have to be able to listen & really listen & validate the other persons feelings in order to find a solution to make lives better. If he doesn't then he doesn't & the same goes for you. And ask yourself if you have changed & why. There is always hope if two people want things to work & willing to make changes.

Answer 6

I know where you are coming from. My husband and I have had problems and i was in the same place you are now. I just finally told him that we needed to talk about things and told him how I felt. i explained to him that I was not just a piece of tail and that this was a partnership that has to be worked on by both parties not just one. On the smoking issue he really needs to stop smoking in the house. Make him a place where he cam smoke without getting wet, hot, or cold. It might just be a room in the house set aside for him. Make that the smoking room and put an air purifier in the room also. You might want to get some counseling on these matters because of you do not do something you are headed straight for a divorce.

Answer 7

Personally if this has been going on for awhile I would pack up and leave him. I have lived the same life you are living. they do not change. I have been married for alot of years here and to this day he disrepected me. I am sorry but they wont grow up. You will find yourself moving away from him as I have done myself. Why have I stay with him because I thought he needed me but actually I have put his life infront of mine. That is something that shouldnt be done. I have ended up with a affair after 26 years of marriage and believe me I never thought that would be possible for me. Believe me its must greener on the other side of the fence. Now I have someone who I am in love with and thats a big difference between loving someone and being IN love. Take the kids and move out

Answer 8

What you are saying is a contradiction, may be you should say "I'm so used to my husband and I don't love him no more" My dear friend, Why are you holding up this abuse way to be from this "gentleman." Domestic violence don't just hurts you also hurt your children marking them for life. Seek for help and advise, What are you waiting for? Don't wait until is too late, as much as you wait as worse things will get. Leave him, you deserve something better and so your children. I don't know where you are from, but almost every country has an office to help in this cases. Is better to suffer one week leaving him than suffer for the rest of your life watching how your children grow in this environment, could be worse, Have you read in newspapers about men like this whom have killed their wives and sometimes their whole families? Please don't take the risk any longer, ACT NOW. Good luck!

Answer 9

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...

Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy, And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.

Answer 10

Marriage is a union of equal partners. Marriage is about love, trust, and respect for each other. If those things don't exist then your not really in a relationship that should be called a marriage. It sounds like your husband has chosen to be a user and abuser of this relationship instead of an equal partner. I see no reason why you shouldn't divorce him. You deserve love and respect, and your kids deserve a better life and should see that a marriage is about real love and not just staying with someone because of them.