my ex is still at it?

Question

my ex is married again and i get on great with his wife they have 2 great kids together who visit us often, they have been together for 15 years and married last July, well my son came over a few days ago and told me that he saw his dad kissing a girl in his car (passionately), my son adores his stepmum and the fact that his own father not ony ruined our lives, but he's about to ruin hers too, he wants to tell her, but he does not want her hurt, he and his dad have never got on since he was little, (this is not a revenge pact) his dad was violent towards him, my son never forgot it, so he distanced himself, thats another reason why i divorced him, anyway he is so hurt because his step mum is lovely and does not deserve this, should he tell her or at least warn her that her cheating husbands at it again, or should he just leave it at that? my ex wont hit him again, because now my son is much older and knows that he can stand up to him, shoud he tell her or not, he's so upset about this

Val.....the best thing i did was to get rid of him...theres no btterness involved...i am upset because my son is upset so shut that ugly mouth of yours....like the woman he married...

Mean Carleen...my son is 22 not a child she has been like a 2nd mother to him just like she has with my other 2 grown sons, she's a good woman

David J i am a 43 yar old woman...i just look younger...

also to anyone else i have advised my son not to tell her and i DID tell him to have words with his dad about it...he came to me for advice ...i will nt involve myself in this it's none of my businss...i wont get involved...but i am concerned about HERS and my SONS feelings

Big Red
i appreciate your answer i really do...my ex was cheating but not with this lady, she came afterwards...the MAIN reason why i got shut is coz of his violence...the cheating was going on for years..my fault for letting to go on for so long...BUT....i was very young back then and scared of going it alone with 3 small children...when the beatings started, we left, i took them as far away as i could, i have asked my son not to say anything... but he is very sensitive about these things and thinks that his stepmum deserves better....i agree but this could start another feud between him and his dad..this time it will be different because my son can stand up for himself...i just feel sad that this is happening...it's not fair...she's a very sweet and wonderful lady and i have alot of respect for her she deserves better...my son is only concerned because he loves her so much, they have always been close...is that wrong?

Answer 1

Hi, well all this is an awkward situation and often it is one that some people may face knowing a similar situation is happening with their friends, neighbours, workmates etc; However they wouldnt be so emotionally involved in that kind of situation. But clearly your son is quite anxious and distressed over this and has a lot of love and respect for his stepmon, that his dad certainly doesn't have for his wife.

In the fist instance, I would question "would I ever want to know if it was strongly suspected that my husband/partner was ever having an affair" and my answer would be yes, I would want to know.

I feel reading your question that while you do hold this woman with high regard and the fact that she helped raise your children in a loving and friendly home, I can well understand your own concerns and that of your son's. I would sugget that, if your son feels as strongly about this matter as he does, then he should tell his stepmom what he saw. You should keep out of this revelation and do not be there with your son at all when the time comes when your son is going to tell his stepmom, but be available to support your son afterwards.

They do say 'ignorance is bliss' sometimes but with matters like this its more a case of 'forewarned is forearmed' and the stepmom is therefore in the position to decide in what kind of way she wants to tackle this issue with her husband, otherwise this affair could well lead to him leaving the family home for the other woman if it was to continue. Yes, any information like this, or discovery of an affair, by whatever means, will cause pain and anxiety no matter what, but thats life i'm afraid.
Hopefully, by nipping it in the bud, the marriage may have a better chance to survive this, if that is what both of them want.

I wouldnt be at all suprised if his stepmom did sense something was wrong between her and her husband, even although her husband may well hide certain things about his behaviour and act and appear quite normal around his family, im sure her instincts may have even already alerted her, or if hearing about a strong suspicion about her husband, especially from a stepson she does love and respect, then I'm sure this will be like a confirmanation to her and then it is up for there to decide what she wants to do about it.
I know it cant be plesent at all for your son knowing what is happening with his father, but as he's grown up now, he will face some unplesant adult issues and will have to learn how to deal with them as an adult. But with this situation involving his own family it will of course effect him more emotionally than say he found out about a similar situation between two work colleagues and he has no personal involvement in the situation as such...but that is a different matter from this because this does involve him and his family.
If he feels it is for the best to let his stepmom know, then he should do so. But also make him aware that he could become the brunt of this revelation, especially from his father. However, if the people involved are really adult enough, they will know its taken him a lot of courage to do this and he is by no means to blame for this situation happening in the first place. As his father has a history of having affairs, even if it happened many years ago, then this kind of news shouldn't come as a suprise to anyone, even his wife.

Yes, once a cheater always a cheater tends to be such a true statement - even if things happen again years later.

Answer 2

This must be a very awkward situation but even though you like the stepmother if you get involved your ex will only say that you are doing so out of jealousy and will eventually persuade his wife that this is the case as for your son saying anything maybe the old saying of shoot the messenger may apply if the stepmother doesn't want to hear the truth. Men like this never change and although you are quite right in saying that this maybe a burden to him at least he knows that you support him and he can unburden himself on you as for confronting his father that may not be such a good idea if the father is a violent man.Everyone may say that if it was happening behind their back that they would want to know but maybe thats not always true as ignorance is bliss and telling her the truth can only cause her pain and hurt the children as well so in reality there is no easy answer or solution your son will have to do whatever his head tells him at least in either case he will be there for the stepmom and siblings to help them through it and as in most cases i'm sure that the stepmom will eventually know what the score is if she doesn't already.

Answer 3

Maybe he should tell the father instead of the mother. He can tell the father that he had better stop or he will tell her. There is nothing that the father can do about it. He should give the father a chance mainly because of the children involved. That can really destroy a family. If there were no kids, I would say,"Tell the women now." Good luck. He should not be gettin away with it, so warn and threaten the cheatin dog.

Answer 4

Did you and your children have any one warning you guys of what he was doing? Another thing is she the one that he was cheating on you with? If she was then I don't see why your son should even care if he is doing the same thing to her. Your son is 22 and he is a man now. he knows how his father is and so does his step mom. If she screwed around with him when the two of you were married then she should have automatically have known that he would do the same thing to her! This is not any of yours or your sons concern. So I think that the best thing for your son to do is to just stay out of it!

Answer 5

What a dick!

Yes, he should tell her. You're never doing anyone a favour by lying to protect them and she deserves to know. And this most certainly is his business, and hers. I can't believe people advising that this poor kid should have to carry this burden in silence and lie (or at least be dishonest) to his step-mother, that's exactly what a dysfunctional family is.

By telling her your son is not doing her any harm, he is not doing their relationship any harm, he i just speaking the truth which will be a weight off his shoulders and will give his step-mum back the ability to make decisions based on reality and not illusion. It's her husband that has done all the harm, he made that decision when he chose to cheat on her and is 100% responsible for all the consequences, and needs to own that responsibility.

Answer 6

I would probably advise your son to not tell his step-mom. It sounds like he's had a history of this type of behavior, but she still chose to marry him, to stay married, and to have kids with him; I'm guessing she knows or suspects already - why rub it in her face? I think it's probably a good idea for the boy to let his dad know what he saw. This may have a sobering effect, but whether or not it will make him cease the affair, or to simply be more careful, is hard to say. My guess is that it will be the latter.

Answer 7

I believe that you should always tell someone, if you see their husband or partner cheating, you don't sound like a revenge full person, your son knows what is right and wrong, and he cares about his step-mom, I think that your son should tell her what he saw, and he can tell her why he told her etc. your ex sounds life a horrible person, and can't go on treating people this way, their are some men, who will just cheat all there lives, and hey in the end they will end up with nobody.............good luck and god bless.

Answer 8

the hole thing about this is that if you tell the step mum what her husband is up to he will just say that its not true and deny it happened and say that you and your son are causeing trouble and he would tell her to ignore you and not to listen to your lies what you need to find out if he is up to no good i realy think you need to find a way of keeping a close eye on his moves even if it means you have to follow him or get your son to do this as he lives with him and would be able to watch his every move and take a camera with you and get strong everdunce before you involve the step mum then when you know where he is going and then get the step mum in the car and take her with you and let her see the rat for herself and what he is up to i realy think she needs to know before she picks up some sort of infection im sorry but if i was her and you new what he was getting up to i would be very upset and angry with you and would never trust you again but you need to let her see for herself as you are the ex in all this and you need to be very caerfull that you have strong proof of what he is up to all you and your son have to do is dress up and put on wigs and follow him thats what i done and it worked but what ever you do dont say a word untill you can prove it good luck and take great care he is a rat and cant get away with what he is doing

Answer 9

I think you should both tell the step mum together. This way you can support your son. It's not fair to the stepmum that your ex gets to carry on behind her back while she is unaware. Honesty is always the best policy.

Answer 10

I think it should be your son's decision whether he wants to tell her or not. I feel she has a right to know but then again it's not so easy to tell someone this sort of news about their spouse. Even though you seem close to his new wife I'd say it would be best if you kept out of this one cause otherwise you will be blamed for any problems they face because of this if your involved.