When do you stop trying to save your marriage?

Question

I'd rather not hear any til death do you part stuff...I already know that.
Here is the kicker - He doesn't hit me, or cheat, drink too much or anything like that. I am just very unhappy and he is a total workaholic and I don't feel like I am getting "my money's worth" so to speak. I love him, but we have a daughter that needs him too and he just is NOT available. Work takes priority over everything, then hobbies, then his personal time. We come last.
This has been going on for 3 years....we have little sex and it is always on his terms, i.e. very quick and unfulfilling and he gets up right away and runs back to his computer. NO romance, no real dialogue and he is always angry...not at me, just in general and he takes it out on me and our daughter. I'm at my wits end and have come to realise I am wasting my time, I can do better and he seems to need to be single so he isn't pressured to spend time with any family. I guess I wonder if I moved out for a while, if he would even notice

Yes, we've talked repeatedly, yes, we've gone to counseling, I have tried everything.
I also work full time and am the sole caretaker for home and our child.

I also might add that he does not have a drivers license due to stupid things before I met him...so I have to drive evryone to/from where they need to go.
And the last time I talked to him about seperating he had no clue why, and asked me if I was interested in someone else!?! Completely clueless!
I don't want to leave and this is upsetting, but i'm kindof freaking out. I can live like this, sure. But who would want to?

Answer 1

I have an idea.. SHOW HIM THIS QUESTION THAT YOU WROTE....
i myself left when mine didnt act happy. He found no joy in us... I kept telling him that if he didnt start acting happy I would let him go find someone that DID make him happy.....
eventually, I woke one morning and said... This kid of mine would be better off with us apart and left THAT DAY and never looked back.
Who knows what your breaking point will be?
Now if he is a good father and nervous and fussy because he wants his wife and kids atken care of and he is afraid of being the person responsible (financially) for all that... and he IS A MAN... (they do have testosterone issues to deal with) it might be unfair for you to leave when all he does is *(in his mind) work to take care of you.... BE HONEST... tell him you want more humor and joy.... you NEED more humor and joy.... They say that two SEPARATE but happy functioning individuals will make better parents than two miserable fighting ones... but i dont know who this 'they' are and you do what you have to do....
Your daughter will be fine. She doesnt need to think that two arguing fussing unhappy people make a marriage... or she might just have one of those herself when SHE grows up....
Show him this question at least he will know you are searching for answers... maybe HE would like to pose a few questions himself..... like:
I work hard and my wife is saying she may leave because of lack of romance... is she NUTS?
You know what I am saying? Maybe yahoo answers will save your marriage and get you talking about what needs to be talked about like counselling couldnt do. Good luck

Answer 2

My answer would be...when you feel you have to write a question like this. I ended my marriage 5 months ago as I was very unhappy with a husband who was completely self absorbed and wasn't here for me or our son. I tried everything too, a trail separation, counselling, talking (ended up arguing) but nothing worked. In the end I had to accept my marriage is over as we were too different and we weren't getting our needs met from eachother. Yes it is great to try to save a marriage and not give up at first hurdle, but sometimes divorce really is the only way. It doesn't mean you've failed, but that your future lies down a different path. I've never looked back since my marriage broke up, ok I am grieiving and have sad moments but generally I'm so much happier. It sounds like you're at the end of your tether and it's time for you and your husband to move on. Good luck.

Answer 3

I guess that the answer is to quit trying to save your marriage when you can feelinside that you have tried every avenue that you can think of. Also, remember that if both of you aren't working to save the marriage, then it won't be saved. When you have done all you can, and it isn't working and you still aren't happy - time to bail. All the nonsense about till death do us part is great - unless you are the one living it. Good luck. Remember -keep doing what you are doing and you will keep getting what you are getting.If you want to talk, then get ahold of me.

Answer 4

One of the most common questions spouses ask when confronting a marriage crisis is this: How can I save my marriage if my partner doesn't want to help find a solution? How do I succeed I am trying to save my marriage on my own? Learn here https://tr.im/10tGw

It is a typical enough story: one partner leaves, the other stays. One remains 'in love', the other is uncertain. Whatever it is that has caused a couple to be apart, the one person who remains bears the prospect, fear, doubt, desire, hope of saving his or her marriage' alone.

Answer 5

My husband and I have faced similar problems. It got to a point where i was feeling like he wouldn't notice if I left. I sat him down and told him that if he invested as much effort into his job as he does into his marriage he would have been fired long ago. I wrote a list of things that would make me happier in the marriage and told him that every week he should choose one thing off the list and do it. I included things like dinner out, movies, back rubs, etc. He sometimes gets so busy that he "forgets" about it until later in the week, but a little reminder is all it takes. Tell your husband that the most important job he will ever do is to raise his family. Then take him to the cemetary and ask him to find one headstone that says "here lies Johnny, the best carpenter in town"........

Answer 6

I wouldn't normally suggest this to anyone one, but this guy sounds like he is so totally self consumed, he really needs a shock. Maybe he just thinks you will just always be there for him, but he really needs to learn that you have needs to, if you have tried talking to him and explaining how you feel, may be you do need to go somewhere for a while, it might just jolt him to try and work at this together. Marriage is so sacred and important to work at, especially when children are involved, but he needs to change, i really hope you can sort this out, it must be very hard.

Answer 7

Is it worth working out is what you should be asking your self. You should try and even go to marriage counseling. Let him know how you feel about the marriage and how you two are gone to make it work. Does he want it to work? Ask him questions and talk to him about the marriage. Or else get a divorce.

Answer 8

Sounds like it is time to at least take a break and separate, to get your daughter out of the situation. She is your first priority. Either ask him to move out, or you should move out as soon as possible. Maybe that will wake him up, though you might not see any change, and after a few months need to file for divorce. Make sure your finances are ok before you or he leaves, and carefully divide the expenses and put them down in writing as to who has what bill to pay.

Answer 9

It feels like he take you for granted.....you are in a bored marriage....It will be good to do what you are thinking to move out for a while probably he will appreciate you more and miss you more....I don't know probably he is too worry making money than taking care of his personal life!!

Answer 10

when totally consumes you in all aspects of life.I 've got the same problem with mine.But a lot of times I try to be understanding because I know it's hard for him having to pay all the bill on his own. So I try and understand that he may need his own space to whine down so try to allow him that much.