QUESTION: For Any Of You With Experience In These Matters....Especially The Women!????

Question

I asked this question of the Single and Dating people last night, and was wondering if you all could offer a different perspective. When you were still playing the dating game, do you ever remember yourself getting too "caught up" in your relationship? You realize that you dwell on them too much, think about them too much, and spend too much time worrying about what they're doing? Does it ever feel like it's one sided...basically you're doing it but they aren't? This used to be the case with me, until I started feeling like I was putting in all the effort and he wasn't. Problem was, I was just focusing too much on my relationship and not enough on myself. Having girls night out on the weekends, getting more involved in my studies, and getting a gym membership helped me put an end to that. So, what advice can you offer to someone that's dating, on how to live your life for yourself, and maintain a relationship at the same time? Also, do married couples face this same dilemma?

I guess the problem is, even though i'm doing things outside of the relationship and that don't involve him, it's like I get caught up in the cycle again......he, on the other hand, is not even in the same position. His days are filled to capacity.

Answer 1

When I was dating and even sometimes now I was often reminded of something that Halle Berry said. She said she used to get into relationships and her man would be everything to her. But as she matured, she realized that the man could not be "the whole cake." She was "the cake," and he is just "the icing." So that mental picture helped. (yeah, Halle can offer good advice too! - despite her tragic love life... ;-D)
The other thing I use a lot now is that everything I do must be for something bigger than me, not just me and not just him. I often recite and read the scripture, "And whatsoever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men." - Colossians 3:23.
But the day (and man) will come where there is a good balance and flow and you won't feel like there is a tug of war, but it will just be a good fit.
I used to LOVE being single and unattached because I was kind of like you: TOO FOCUSED on a man, just by nature even though I had a full plate. That type of person is the "marriable" type to me. I'm married now and my husband and I are close, but we can do alone time really well too, because we were both complete within ourselves before hooking up. Hope all this helped.

Answer 2

One way or the other people face dilemmas of juggling things together whether you're married, in a relationship, or a single parent.

You have to learn to balance your life so that one aspect won't suffer and the only way by doing this is to create time for each one exclusively. You can still have a healthy and spontaenous life as well. That makes one a balanced and fulfilled individual because you didn't allow anyone or anything to suffer.

Answer 3

They do, which does no longer malicious program me that lots (and men of all races do it, btw). I do style of giggle nevertheless while they turn around and attempt to soften issues up and destroy out the glossary words while chatting with my white pals. I 2d the comments with regard to the forty+ dudes hitting on college ladies-they're often gross approximately it. while i became 20 a guy around 40ish attempted to talk to me and would not take no for an answer-grabbing my arm and each little thing. He asked how outdated i became, and once I suggested 20, he appeared shocked and suggested 'i assumed you have been 15!' Wow, sorry i'm felony.

Answer 4

Yes this happened exactly like you said it, in my relationship. The fact was, typically women identify themselves with their relationships, home, and family. All that is an extension of who she is. So she throws herself into it wholly, and often times will forget about her individuality. It happens in marriage just as easilly. Picking at least one night a month to get together with the girls over coffee or something is a great idea. Get a craft maybe? Stamping? Card making, scrapbooking, or whatever is your fancy. Don't forget to pamper yourself sometimes. It's natural to be consumed with your relationship, but it isn't healthy. For me I had a girls night out twice a month. Over time that turned into other things with other women. Like some of the things above that I suggested. I'm still doing the cards and scrapbooking and I love it. It's my time for me. I also go get manicures periodically as a special "me time" gift. Also, I will read a good novel, right here on the couch with him sitting here watching tv. You don't have to be in a conversation with him or in an activity with him 24/7 in order to maintain the relationship. Also he needs time to himself too. I'm sure he would welcome the opportunity to hang out with the boys. Good luck!

Answer 5

Just keep in mind that you dont NEED that other person to live. You just want to be with them. No i dont think Married people do that. There is a point when u live and learn and u just get over it. Check out "The 5 Love Languages" Great Book!

Answer 6

Good question... but it sounds like you answered it! Yes, you have to balance your life between work, self, relationship, friends, alone time, etc. Libras (I am one!) feel a very strong need to have balance in their lives or they get very stressed. Married people also have to have their own lives, interests and friends. Too much focus on the other person is stifling for the spouse and unhealthy for the self. Balance...!!!

Answer 7

You just described me!I was young when I married & had kids back to back I never knew what it was that I liked about me or life. I just wanted to be in love & be up his butt.Now I'm 35 & learning something that I should of years ago. Have my life as the person I am with respect that I'm married but learn who I am without being Mrs. so & so.

Answer 8

No, I had the opposite problem. When I was dating, the guys always wanted me to be really into them, but I just wasn't. I enjoyed dating but I didn't want to get serious with anyone. A couple guys tried hard...but they failed, until my met my now husband.

Answer 9

Females are more insecure by nature when it comes to dating. I would say 68% of men only care about sex only if they are relatively young. Females are more mature than males and have a stronger moral value system by nature. This is the norm. So while you are worried about what he is doing, don't bother b/c he is looking for his next conquest.

Answer 10

It is harder for women simply because we are usually more emotionally open to connection to men, especially in the beginning. It is always best to find things you enjoy doing and even trying new things alone...go to a movie, grab a bite to eat...do not let him become your whole world or vice versa, otherwise you'll face burn out.