Should I leave my husband?

Question

My husband feels that the children and I are accessories like a timex. He tries to plan trips around or during holidays that do not include our children. He does this with his father who you would think would think of the kids. He adopted my son and he has a tendancy to be forceful with him. the reason I ask is because the lawyers can not ashure me that the kids will be safe with him if I get a divorce. The lawyers also can not assure me if my son will have to visit my husband on weekends. I feel the only way to keep the kids safe and protected is to stay with a selfish man in a loveless relationship for me. For him if he is "taken care of " he is happy...Help

Answer 1

Megan:
My advice to you dear, is to limit your questions to your attorney to those of a legal nature, and come to The Heart Doctor for questions of the heart.Your children are as hungry for love as their mom, and you must move heaven and earth to provide ALL of your hearts with a nurturing environment. I have seen many products of a manipulative environment such as your husband, and the prognosis for change is not good.

I know you have a tough, scary road in front of you. And I know it sounds cliche', but it bears repeating:

Never underestimate the power of love!

Answer 2

What do you mean keep the kids safe?
How old are your children? Older children have more say regarding visitation. I think after age 12 visitation is structured more for the children's developmental needs to be with friends and be involved in extracurricular activities than a rigid visitation schedule.
If there's abuse, you need to document it. You should be able to get his visitation supervised if there's abuse.
It sounds like you're in a rock and a hard place, but it seems everyone would be happier if you left. Then the kids would benefit from having a more relaxed atmosphere, and mother.
The way he sounds, he may not want visitation in the first place. It would be too much of a hassle for him. He may have had a similar upbringing with his father.

Answer 3

No there is always Hope!

Go to www.familylife.com and learn about the difference between men and women.

Your husband should be firm with the kids.

You should be soft, loveing, and gentle.

Thats just the way God made us.

Learn. Use the skills. Then teachem or passem on.

Click on marriage conference. Your husband does need to learn this. Help him and save the Family.

Have a good Family Life.

Answer 4

You shouldn't have given your son to another man. Yes, if you divorce, you could lose custody of your child and at least have to give him visitation. Unless he is really abusive and you can prove it, you may be better off staying until the kids are grown. Then leave his sorry butt and stay single. Men are good as boyfriends; they can't be trusted as husbands.

Answer 5

Is it better to stay with someone you feel is not looking after your best interests? will your children not be more traumatised witnessing a loveless marriage and creating false role models for longterm relationships? I know you are scared of leaving him but should you not be more scared to stay? I think the fact that you have begun to question your relationship means that deep down inside you know what you need to do, it just depends on whether you have the courage to do it... good luck :)

Answer 6

Altho your children will suffer some but, if you stay in a unhappy marriage, that isn't good for them either. Let the selfish SOB live in a way that oviously keeps his selfish father happy, you don't need this. Your children will be ok, altho let no one abuise them. Your life is short on this earth , so don't waste a minute of it with crap like this. Move on and maybe someday someone will get you that deserves you. Good luck!!!!!!!!!

Answer 7

You are BSing yourself saying you stay for this or that reason... you know he treats you like a doormat, and you stay because you want to. If it would be in the best interests of the kids not to stay and YOU stay... then it is YOU who is abusive and anything he does to hurt their feelings or disrespect the kids is just as if YOU WERE DOING IT.... develop a backbone... submissive does not mean doormat... you only have so many breaths and heartbeats on this planet... dont spend them begging for respect... should you have to WISH your husband was kind? LAWYER TIME, WOMAN

Answer 8

Welcome to marriage, welcome to motherhood. I'm sorry someone told you this was your fairytail ending. This is where the work starts. You have a child who's welfare you're responsible for. You need to ensure that child has a strong male and female role model to help guide him through life. If you're concerned about the welfare of your child you need to either stay with their father or have a better man lined up. You can't wave a wand and make this disappear. You can't go back and do things differently. Strongly encourage your friends to choose their mate carefully so this doesn't happen to them.

Answer 9

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...

Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy, And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.

Answer 10

I think you already know the answer to that. You're not happy, you are fearful of the kids safety, and you've already contacted lawyers. You've already made your decision. You really don't need any of us to justify it for you, because you're going to follow through with your decision anyway. Good luck in what you're doing.

Get the kids and yourself in counseling too. You'll need it, no matter what your choice is.