What do I do about my verbally abusive mother?

Question

Since I was about three years old, my mother has called me whores, bi*ches, sluts, tramps, you name it. She still calls me bad names when she gets really upset with me. She has two outside teenagers living with her now but they get the silver spoon treatement. My mother was the ultimate provider but such a mean parent. I've always felt like she hated my brother and me. My father physically abused her in front of us and she, in turn, abused us (more verbally and emotionally than anything). I am 29 years old now and still hurt tremendously from the things she has said and continues to say. She and my father are finally divorcing after nearly 40 years together and she is even meaner than before. Though, he turned a new leaf many years ago. I've forgiven him, but how can I forgive her if she continues to verbally abuse me. She wont take responsibility for what she did and what she continues to do. I think it's time to walk away from her. Should I? And how can I be strong enough to do it?

I have not lived at home in 11 years.

I've been trying for years to talk to my Mom about her issues. She sees fault in everyone but herself. I live 360 miles away but have tried to stay in touch with her because she is my mother. My brother and I, her mother, her siblings, everyone is so fed up with her. Just last night my brother went over to talk to her (I was on the telephone with him at the time) and she was cursing and ranting and raving about her unperfect everyone else is. He ended up leaving after only about 5 minutes because he couldn't take the verbal abuse. It's affected him as well. His self esteem is so low. She even abuses her 80 year old mother.

Answer 1

see a counselor. that was a horrible thing you had to go through. she doesn't take responsibility, she won't change. It is hard, but go on with your life without her. you don't need it.

Answer 2

My dad used to treat me terrible but worse than that he treated my mother terrible and she was such a kind person. When I was about your age I realized that I did not want to be around him or have anything to do with him until he resolved some of his issues. I moved out of the area and I never phoned him or had any contact with him. The thing that finally got me going was the death of my mother and his subsequent remarriage 6 months after the fact to a woman he had never known before. It took several years before I really had anything to do with him. The turning point was when he came and apologized for the way he had treated my mother and the kids when they were growing up. I think you need to put your mother out of your life if she is causing you more pain than pleasure to be around. Explain to her that you do not want to be verbally abused nor do you want your children to witness this behavior. Abusive people drag a person down and that's no way to live so I hope you find the strength. Sometime in the future if she truly loves you she will attempt to heal the rift and if not she was simply an egg donor.

Answer 3

I know its hard to walk away from a parent. You both love and hate them for what they have done. Most likely your mother had someone in her life just like her. Its past time to break free. Tell her straight up do not call, write or visit ever if she cannot be civil. If need be change your phone number. Make sure you try to tell her all that is wrong. But most likely she will not want to listen. Once you cut her off, i could take months but she most likely will have time to reflect and want to talk about it. If not you don't need her screwing up your life. I had a father that was abusive drunk. I ended up pressing charges (when i grew up you didn't even talk about it). It took months, finally he asked to see me. We worked it out and he admitted to some things. We have a agreement, he is never to call or come around if he has been drinking, and not to discuss anyone in a bad way. It has paved the way for the rest of the family, now all has some kind of relationship with him and no drinking. But i waited until i was well in my 30s because i too was afraid to confront him. Don't wait like i did, resolve things now. It just makes things worse on you to keep taking such abuse. Good luck.

Answer 4

Let me say how sorry I am to hear that your mom does that! You don't deserve it. When someone acts like your mom does, it's usually because they were abused themselves and don't know how to express their feelings in a constructive manner. Or she could be so totally overwhelmed that venting in such a horrendous manner is the only way for her to let off steam. Either way, she shouldn't treat her own child like that.
First of all, learn to keep your distance from her for your own sake. Mom has alot of issues and you are too emotionally raw to be around her when and if she decides to work on them. It is hard to accept the idea that your own mom could hurt you so much but you are going to have to learn to accept that she may never change. I strongly recommend seeing a counselor to help with the grief and anger you are experiencing. If that isn't an option, go to the library or bookstore and find books on abuse to read. Spend some time reading these then write your mom a heartfelt letter and describe to her how you feel when she acts like she does. Let her know how much it hurts and ask her to get some help. Try not to sling too many accusations at her, just take the high road and show some empathy. She may not have ever gotten any from others before. Showing her that you understand how hard it must have been for her to go through her own abuse for so many years may open up a dialogue between you to someday discuss this in a constructive way. Also, if you are going to be around your mom and she starts screaming obscenities, tell her that you won't tolerate that anymore and leave the house. Tell her when she is ready to talk to you like an adult to let you know. Then stick to your guns. She can't call you names if you aren't there to listen to it. Lean on your brother and dad for support. Cherish the good relationships that you do have. Try an surround yourself with friends who will support you. (We can pick our friends but not our family) Work on yourself and hope she works on herself. Try to find some inner peace and be happy even if she doesn't want to. Good luck to you!!!!

Answer 5

I'm sure she is angry about a lot of things. She allowed herself to be abused for years. She, in turn, has been abusive. I'm sure she didn't hate you and your brother but you reminded her of your father and the cycle just continued. You'll feel better if you can forgive her; however, you do not need to allow yourself to be verbally abused. It's possible to love her but not like the person she is. If you think it's time to put some distance between the two of you, it may be for the best. It's not about her; it's about you and your emotional health. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't be healthy enough to take care of anyone else.

Answer 6

........yes you need to walk out of her life! she has abused you long enough, just because she is your mother does not mean you have to like her or love her for that fact. She sounds like a miserable person who will only get worse as she gets older. tell her that you choose to exit from her life , that she has made you feel worthless your whole life and now you want to start feeling good about yourself. Let the outside teenagers she has living with her take care of her and wipe her butt when shes older and cant do it for herself!!!!as far a how you can be strong enough,,, it would help you if you go and talk with a professional who will be able to help you with your past and present issues>> good luck and don't back out !! you will get through this and feel better about your self

Answer 7

I did. Best decision I ever made. The alternative is to make her realise how bad her behaviour is. Whenever she gets out of line, as soon as she does it, just tell her calmly that what she has said is unacceptable and walk away/put the phone down. She will probably go completely apesh*t the first few times you do it, but if you want her to change you must persevere. You wouldn't accept this behaviour from a partner, friend or child, so why should you accept it from a parent. Good luck!

Answer 8

Dear You know verbally reaction is usually chain reaction, may be some ancestor dealt you parent abusively and thats way they are like that,
You know your life is very very precious so do not let it dis troy by any one.Please keep respect you parents, do not take there words serious think in your mind they need your help, do not do again which make her abusive,Do not disturb them,Decide your future your self pay your attention on you career building, learning you know learning is continuous process and the last learning of our life is death process it is also learning.shair your problem with those they are very very loyal with you,do not shair your problem with every body,may be people will start dis res-pact you,shair your problem with only one or two if you think they are your problem solver.
Keep your self happy good disinter what ever bad experience your are learning it will help you in future to solve others problem if you recognize your self as good citizen and honer able person in this word
take care

Answer 9

In my family my own mother did this playing of favoritism and abuse between siblings. Many years into my adulthood she continued and I constantly forgave her and made excuses for it. One day I found out that she had begun to do the same to 1 of my children when they were young. I realized then that it was up to me to stop the cycle of abuse and couldn't allow her to spew her venom at anyone in my family and especially myself again. I confronted her and told her all of the things that I kept pent up in my heart for years. She naturally denied and or justified my rational. I then realized that my father was just as guilty for allowing it and my siblings for not speaking up and allowing it for so many years. I walked away from them nearly 10 years ago. It was hard in the beginning but I would recall my reasons why I left and I am strengthened. She has tried many things to bring me back into the fold over the years but in the end I know that she will only need a little time before starting her abuse again. I don't want to live like that and I don't want my children seeing their mother being treated like that ever. I don't regret my decision and my life with my husband and children has been good. The children thrive and don't recall. In the end they feel entitled to treat us like garbage. I am happy to say that I broke her cycle and as she ages she can wrap herself in the bed she made. Sometimes a parent FORFEITS his/her right to call themselves a parent.

Answer 10

Move ...leave....get away. Nobody....even if those things WERE true, which I'm sure they are not, needs to hear that constantly. How can she expect you to be anything else if you constantly have to hear that all the time. The saying goes.." If you hear it enough you start to believe it" . I'm sorry to say this because this is something no one wants to hear OR do, but you have to sever contact with her if you plan on getting any confidence and self respect. Maybe she has something about herself she doesn't like and she's calling herself that in her mind, but either way you MUST get away. This is for your own health..mental health.

Answer 11

give yourself some power and stand up to her and tell her she needs to get some professional mental help you know conseling and such . If she wants to stay mean then tell her unless she is willing to get help you do not want to talk to her and you must show her that you mean it . If she refuses to get help then do not speak to her . She obviously has gotten away with this type of behavior for many years and does not care one way or the other. Do yourself a favor and stay away from her untill she does get some help and then maybe she will straighten out. Good Luck and hope this helps.