Help! I have just found out that my man used to be a cross dresser for 30 years. I don't know what to do.?

Question

I have been dating this lovely man for 18 months and we planned to get married. He has always joked about wearing womens clothes and told me he used to have loads of outfits. I am a fairly open minded girl with fetishies of my own so it didn't bother me at all. I thought it was just a bedroom sexual thing between him and his ex wife, no problem I was happy for him to dress up in front of me if he wanted too, but explained he wouldn't 'do' anything for me. We haven't got to the point of him dressing up yet but now I have found out that he was actually cross dressing. He had been doing it for years his kids knew him as aunty debbie and he was a completely different person in this role. I now feel physically sick and don't know what to do, I still love him and want to marry him but I can't get this out of my head. I need answers and he just gets humpy if I say anything. If he looks at shoes or refers to wearing something in the past I just want to cry. Please help!

I'd would really like to thank all that answered by question especially ninja cat, fortunato and pete m. Your comments were really helpful. I am wondering if pete m could get in touch by email there are some questions I think he could really help me with it helps to talk to others in the same boat. Thanks for the info on the beaumont society I will get in touch.

Answer 1

Don't feel bad about yourself. This is a very hard thing for many gfs/wifes to deal with.

You probably feel as if you don't know this person you thought you loved (and still love). The passive dishonesty is probably hurting you more than the dressing in some ways. You might feel betrayed and led on.

Still, you probably have a good idea of your own identity in your head, and thus you knew what you were looking for in a guy, and your bf's dressing challenges those expectations you had. You wanted a man, not someone who seems to flit back and forth between genders.

And sure, maybe it sounds inconsistent to permit his behavior in secret but dislike it when public... but I don't chalk that all up to inconsistency, it just means that -- despite not really LIKING the idea that he had CD'ed -- you were willing to ignore your own discomfort for the sake of the relationship. You were trying to be accepting, even though you weren't really into his behavior.

Now that it seems like his behavior will continue in a very tangible and noticeable way, you just can't brush that aside as easy. It leaves you anxious, insecure, and uncertain about the future. And knowing he had often lived as "Aunty Debbie" and developed a different persona in that role -- well, who are you marrying? Who will be around in the future -- your husband, or Aunty? You want a husband, not a woman, and there's no guarantee of what you'll get.

There is no easy answer here, so I will just come out and say it: Either one or both of you have to change, or you need to let him go and look for a man who won't leave you feeling so insecure and uncertain.

(Please don't make it a "guilt" issue for yourself, despite some other people's comments. The fact is that you personally cannot handle his fetish; and there is no reason why you should feel obligated to marry someone when you know the marriage will probably leave you feeling a lot of pain and anxiety.)

I know your deepest wish is probably that he would see how much it hurts you and decide to change to accommodate you -- that way you could feel safe and secure again -- but realistically that usually doesn't happen. At best, it will probably be a compromise, with some level of discomfort, if you pursue the marriage. This sort of behavior, to the extent that your bf took it, just doesn't "go away" by choice.

And if he is not sensitive to you now, before you marry, afterwards it will only become more a point of contention. You really don't want to go there yet.

Give yourself some time to sift through your feelings, and put the marriage date on hold to take the pressure off if you need to. You need to be sure of what you are getting into and how it could impact your future together.

Answer 2

First things first I am a cross dresser and I am happilly married. That said there are degrees of cross dressing. I feel the need to dress occasionally and it fits in with our relationship because she goes away on business occasionally and that time is enough for me. The deal here is she knows thats fine but she doesnt want to see it. There are things that cannot be hidden the shaved legs the waxed arnmpits and oh yeah the underwear in the laundry. But we have aggreed that is acceptable. They key point here is that from the outset of the serious relationship I have been open and honest, never wrapped in jokes it is a serious matter that needs serious discussion. If he wont give you that the relationship willnot work. It sounds to me like he is a serious case, aunty to the kids sounds like it may even verge on transgenderism. So serisous discussion is all the more needed. You say you feel physically sick, if this is the case you need to understand why only you can answer that of course but do you question your own sexuality because of your attraction to him? Whatever the reason you need to understand why you feel this way, this ultimately is likely to give you the answer as to whether you should marry him or not. Im no councilor in these matters but I know some people who could help. Contact the beaumont society freinds and partners section. Whatever you decide will be the right decision, this kind of relationship can only work by mutal consent and understanding. By the way the Beaumont society helped me come to to terms with who I was

sorry if the spelling is bad I couldnt get the spell checker to work

Update its been a while since i looked at the site the section you need is women of the beaumonst society second link

Answer 3

Well if honesty is important to you in a relationship I would consider looking elsewhere... This obviously hurts alot and this I am certain. When a loved one paticularly a mate hides things there is always going to be a thought in the back of your head about his intentions. 18 months is a BIG secret something that should have been told long before a marriage proposal so that YOU could decide earlier if this would have been something you could accept or not without having your heart involved. I am sorry this happened to you. After I married my husband he told me he was already married in another country and he was illegal... I wish I had been given the opportunity to make up my mind based on all the facts. We are still together but these issues arise on a daily basis and are hard to deal with. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

that is really tough...if it is something that he is going to want to continue to do and it makes you that ill, chances are that it is too big of a comprimise to make it work, it is not worth it to you, becase instead of feeling like you invested 18 months in a guy and have gotten knowwhere it is going to end up being I invested 2 or 3 or 4 years in this guy and now I am at the same spot where I started except I have now been divorced. however if he is willing to not cross dress, give him a chance. I imagine that many of the attributes that cause him to cross dress probably manifest themselves into the qualities you find most enduring about him, this is a hard decision to make, if it was me, I would have a hard time getting over it and would feel better starting of new, but maybe you are more tolerant, remember an annoyance can move in two directions...it can go away or it can become unbearable

Answer 5

If he won't answer every question you have about it without getting upset, then a marriage with him would never work out. You need to know what you are getting into!
If I were you I would break it off!!! If you feel like crying now, how much worse will you feel being married to someone who won't even tell you if he is a dude or an "Aunt Debbie." Have some pride, and look for another.

Answer 6

Oh I dont think anybody here could really help you.
I think you should sort that out for yourself. Don't rely on your first reaction though, take your time and think it through, from every point of view you have.
And maybe together with your man, because maybe you can find a solution, something inbetween, or that he doesnt make any comments in your presence, something like that.
And if you split up: you know there is always somebody coming afterwards. It will hurt, It will be shitty, but one day everything is going to be good again. Or even better. Other mothers have sons too.

Answer 7

so... to get it straight, you were *fairly comfortable* while you thought it was confined to the bedroom, but not now that you find out it was more open. I don't understand how the juxtaposition of the two would make the diffference between "No Problem" and "physically sick"
OK, fair enough, thats your *choice*...I guess it would be a bit embarrasing if the friends and family found out.
You have to tell him that.
If he has been doing it for 30 years, I don't see any chance that you are going to change him. Ultimatly it is going to come down to your choice if you can live with it, or not
you still have to tell him that and get it out in the open

Answer 8

Go get counseling no one on this forum even great answers can help you. You need to talk this out with a good marriage counsel and a counselor that deals with this problem in relationships. This is not going away he has done it for years and if you can not partake you need to know before a marriage happens or you can be crying more than you want too.

Answer 9

RUN!!!! Head for the hills, lot of people will say im wrong or give hima chance, nah EFF that!!! if your uncomfortable now, how you going to feel after 2 years of marriage, 5 years, 10 years down the line! you'll never look at him the same so RUUUUNNN!!

Answer 10

You need to get into counseling. Both of you. If you really love him then you will go. This will help you and him sort things out. An help you and him to understand each other. There is no reason to get married if you can not be happy with each others quirks.