my husband is planning to go on his works xmas do to pubs and then a lap dancing club. i have told him that i dont want him to go as it makes me really jealous, so much so that im thinking about leaving him if he does actually go. im thinking about him going there all the time and its sending me mad.. i know that he has been to prostitutes in the past before we met and i know that his work mates go to brothells. i cant deal with this and dont know what to do......if he goes on his work do he will say nothing happened but how would i know??? its killing me inside and i dont know what to do
2006-10-15 23:21:11 · 55 answers · asked by lp261084 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he hasn't actually cheated on me but he used to go to prostitutes before we met.i cant deal with this anymore...
2006-10-15 23:27:29 · update #1
i asked him if i could go as well but he says its just a mens night out... that seems a bit guilty to me
2006-10-15 23:28:18 · update #2
Ok, I know you asked for the ladies input, I am a guy, and he shouldn't go.
Going to pubs with your mates is one thing, going to clubs and getting lap dances or more is entirely another. In 14 years of being together with my wife I have never cheated, I have never gone to a strip club, and the only one giving me a lap dance is her.
He needs to choose between you and his mates...going to these places is not appropriate for a married man, and no, I am not a religious fanatic, I am just married.
2006-10-15 23:29:10 · answer #1 · answered by OleMarbleEyes 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I do understand your concerns but if i can offer you any reassurance at all you really have nothing to worry about if its a legit lap dancing club. The girls in there are just interested in doing some dancing and that's it.
Without wanting to be a marriage guidance counsellor i think your problems run a little deeper than the Xmas party. Clearly there are issues over your husband's past that you have not reconciled yet - it must be difficult knowing that he has used prostitutes in the past and the fact that his colleagues continue to do is obviously playing on your fears.
Perhaps if you discussed your concerns with your husband he may be more sensitive to your feelings. Alternatively he may be able to reassure you that that was in his past and this is just a silly night out with the boys.
If i can offer you any advice at all jealousy is a very destructive emotion and if someone is continuously punished they may be led to committing the crime in any event.
Perhaps you could benefit from some professional guidance.
Good luck x
2006-10-16 04:21:42 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
if he hasn't cheated on you why are you worried? just because he went to prostitutes in the past doesn't mean he'll go astray now. did you ever stop to think that it's possible that if he misses a work related function that it can set him back, or make him outcast in his office? no it isn't appropriate that his business functions or meetings at a bar or strip club, but there have been many reports out there now that, that is the trend with business meetings. i think you need to get over your husband's past and trust him more. i don't think that you should hold him accountable for his business mates actions or their decision to use a strip club as a meeting place. that is extremely unfair of you to say you'd leave him because of this, it's not like it is all up to him where he goes on these things. it think for you to give that ultimatum then you need to look more closely at yourself and why you are so insecure in your marriage. after all he married you, not a stripper or prostitute! get over it and be accepting of his job. the more you protest the more likely he is to slip back into that old lifestyle. maybe you should do a little dance for him so he has less desire to see a stripper, rather than tell him you'll leave over a work related function.
2006-10-16 00:09:50 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This problem is much more about trust than about what/where he is actually going, and also its about how much he cares or doesnt care about upsetting you.
What he did in the past isnt a problem. Lots of men go to prostitutes just to get sex with no strings. Its only a big deal if you make it so - i'm talking about unmarried men here! If they are married and visiting, then prob then are not happy at home.
You need a big discussion with him - honesty on both sides - and see if he can put your feelings first.
BUT i think you may well be making a mountain out of a mole-hill. The lap dancing is one thing..... but if you think he may be tempted to go on with his mates to a brothel, thats much more serious.
Only you can decide if he is telling the truth and if you want to stay with him.
2006-10-17 02:01:33 · answer #4 · answered by Caroline 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all the lack of trust you have for him will lead him to cheat eventually. You do have to let him have some freedom. And if he's never cheated before why can't you trust him now. I would suggest letting him go. After he comes home you be the one to give him a lap dance. Also all men like lap dances and hanging out with the guys and talking locker room talk. And as far as the prostitute thing goes. I would make sure that you have both been tested for disease.
2006-10-15 23:50:26 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Works do usually means that - work only - so partners are not allowed. Therefore I don't think this sounds guilty but is part of your insecurity which is perfectly normal. Because of his past with prostitutes I think you have every right to be wary but unless you can put all this where it belongs - in the past - then your marriage does not stand much chance. I don't think you should emotionally blackmail him over not going, he will only dig his heels in and look stupid in front of his work mates if he doesn't go. You have to trust him, if you can't then you should seriously think about where this relationship is going to. You are in grave danger of driving him away with your jealousy and I am surprised you trusted him enough to marry him in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I can totally see where you are coming from, I know I would feel the same. BUT you have to deal with it or risking losing everything.
2006-10-16 00:48:50 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi there,
I kind of know how you feel.
I had a similar conversation with my husband about lap dancing clubs.
I told him that under no circumstances should he feel the need or want to go if he is fully happy with me, then why would he want to see other women parading around naked?
He said it was just curiosity and I could even go with him.
The thought of it repulses me and only cos like you I am very jealous......
I think that you should try and sit with him and reasonably explain how you feel, tell him that you realise you are being unreasonable but that you can't help the way you feel. Tell him you understand that its a colleagues stag night but if he stays in with you, then you will give him a private lap dance......
hope it all works out OK for you,
lozza
2006-10-16 00:31:22 · answer #7 · answered by lozza 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear wife:
I think that the choce you have in mind is the best one!
Girl, if he goes to that club 4 a lap dance and hes
got friends that does those stuff then u should consider leaving him or going to counselling with him! Once the tempetation is there he would keep going back and he will eventually sleep with someone!
R u waiting for a disease or for your heart to be broken? This man clearly is a selfish beast and thinks abt himself! Ask him if u could go to a male stripper club and see what he replies! He replies no, then u know that he is planning to do other things, and if he says yes, then he doesnot care abt u and is just in ur marriage for security while he can have his fun!
But the fact that he told you that he is going means he is somewhat a straight foward man, and u gotta take that it consideration!
So afterall said, I think that you should try reasoning with him and tell him that if he goes its called cheating and married men donot go to those places! Donot tell him that you are jealous but tell him that you are hurt , and is against those kind of happenings in a marriage and if he wants to go you will leave him.
Also suggest counselling, but whatever you do,try and think it over, life is short , live it and never trust anyone.
Have a talk then take ur decision.
Good Luck
Love SANAM
2006-10-16 00:28:14 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Im not married but hope this helps. You need to trust him and let him go on the mens night out, I know how hard that can be but if he has never cheated on you before he's not going to. Don't forget your the one he married so your the only one he wants. How about you give him a little treat before he goes out that night, and let him know there is more waiting for him when he returns home that night. That way all he will be able to think about is getting home to you as soon as he can, and you will have nothing to worry about.
2006-10-16 00:42:47 · answer #9 · answered by Sihanna 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you plan a womens night out on the same night. Except you don't tell him you're not planning on coming home. Just leave him a note...." HONEY, I'm out with the girls....I might or might not be home----- and honey----remember it's just the girls ----"
go to a motel....stay all night....and don't come home until the next day...take your time---Don't rush home!!! Chances are the jerk didn't even come home last night!
Your spouse has a serious problem with priorities...TiTTIe bars for some men/women are addictive like a drug---your hubby needs to get some serious head counseling help.
You could always install a pole in your house and learn the mastery of the pole----Or how would he like it if you hired on at one of those clubs he frequents? Hmmmmmmm
2006-10-15 23:40:29 · answer #10 · answered by aunt_beeaa 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋