Does Mother always deserve respect?

Question

As a kid I asked if I was planned. Mom said no, she wanted to leave my Dad. The div. 2 yrs. later. She blatantly favors my older sister. They go on vacations, see and talk like friends etc. Even her kids are better.
Here's what I get: I lost weight, 15 lbs or so, which put me at 125-130 for 5ft 5in. She saw me in a bathing suit, said nothing.

Later at the neighbors ( I was dressed ) she brought up my weight. When the neighbor said I looked good, she had say "oh no she doesn't, she looks terrible etc.).
Why not say something before?

Because she has to criticize me every time I see her, preferably in front of others. She never says anything to my fat sister. If it's not my appearance then it's something else.

In Jan. she did it on the phone, I hung up. Everyone thinks I should call her. I think she should apologize.

If you had a friend that made you feel bad about yourself whenever you talked to them, would you still be friends with them?

Am I wrong?

Her favoriatism is most definetly real. I'll prove it.
My Gr.Ma died, she had a summer house in NH. Mom called to say it was sold. I said let me know when you go up there, I want to see it again and take pictures. She said there was plenty of time for that. This is the Fri. before Good Friday. Talking to my Dad, he tells me my sis asked to borrow his truck the Tues. before I talked to Mom. I called her house and my stepdad said she was working. I called him a liar. He told me that was what my Mother told him to say if I called. I never mentioned it to her. Never told anyone else either because I'm so embarrassed at the way she treated me. She asked me once why I act like an outsider. She hasn't a clue.
I regret that I waited 46 years to do this.
My kids flat out don't like her. They say she's mean, and blatantly favors her other Grandchildren.

PS I never saw the house again.

Answer 1

Everyone is going to have different answers depending on their beliefs and background. I do not believe that having food, shelter and clothing are enough to warrant a healthy relationship between the parent and a child. My mother hurt me pretty badly and to this day she reminds me I should be grateful for having a house, food, and clothing. Without telling you my history I will give you my perspective on this issue and you can make up your mind.
You are not wrong. I don't think your mother is a healthy person for you to be around. Just because she is your mother does not mean that you have to put up with this. It is sad to say but it would be easier to stay away from her if she was physically abusive to you. But because it is emotional abuse - it can seem harder to define her tactics as abuse - but that is what this sounds like. Take a break - and go take care of yourself. It doesn't look like she will help in any way. Take care and God Bless.

Answer 2

Everyone deserves respect.

Sometimes the reason it can seem (and be) that a parent favors on child over the other is that one child is very much like the parent, and there aren't struggles between them. Then there may be the child who is very different from the parent, and they have struggles. As a result, the harmonious relationship between the parent and the one kid can look like "favors" to the other kid. While it is easy for a parent to behave more warmly to the kid who is just like she is or who thinks similarly to the way she thinks, it doesn't start out as favoritism. It just ends up looking like it (or even really being favoritism because its easier to be close to some who is like you).

Sometimes, too, mothers will say nothing to a child who has a problem like a weight problem, acne, or school problems because the mother knows saying something would be hurtful. They can feel a little freer to say something about what isn't a real problem because they're not worried that the person they comment about will be hurt.

Something else could be your mother is trying to "exercise mothering" over you (maybe you're younger than your sister? maybe there's something about you that makes your mother feel like the other people are judging her by what you do, so she wants to let the other people know she doesn't approve?) I'm not saying you shouldn't do whatever such a thing may be. I'm just saying it may appear to your mother that the other people will judge you (even if they won't).

First-born children tend to be mother-pleasers. They are happy to do what pleases their mother, enjoy a partnership/closeness with their mother, and see themselves as part of a mother/daughter team. Younger siblings can look at the two of them, realize she will never have that one/one/mother/daughter relationship, and kind of resent it. As a result, she decides to be different. She doesn't want to please her mother like her "sucker" sister does. She will be "her own person". What then happens is that she differentiates herself from both her mother and her sister, but also becomes the odd one or the one who seems like a rebel.

Maybe you're young enough that your mother thinks she has a right to offer "input" about what you're doing.

Your mother shouldn't say stuff about you in front of others; and even if she were trying to offer helpful "advice" about your appearance, she shouldn't. Maybe she'll stop doing it as much as you get older. In the meantime, try to think of a polite and diplomatic way to discourage her remarks. It won't work right away, but after a while it probably will.

It is worth keeping your relationship with your mother, even if she's not perfect. You're right - you wouldn't be friends with someone who did that; but your relationship with your mother is an important one and one worth trying to make better.

As far as her telling you you were not planned, maybe she thought it was important to be honest or maybe she wanted you to see an example of a surprise pregnancy and the fact that it can happen. A surprise pregnancy doesn't mean someone doesn't love the baby/child at all. It doesn't even have to mean an unwanted child. It just means it was a surprise and not planned. The world is full of people who were surprises.

I know my answer may look as if it leans toward defending your mother, but I'm not. I just thought I'd offer some possible explanations for what could be going on. Only you know if any of what I've said "rings a bell" for you.

Answer 3

Bingo, you have a serious quandary, and I don't think anyone can give you the answer you need except yourself, but I will give it a shot.

The fourth commandment says "Honor your father and mother"

I beleive a parent should always be treated respectfully. Sometimes they do not deserve it. However, she brought you into the world, and you are not starving in an abusive foster home. You are not in the most positive environment, but things could be a lot worse. I am not saying you shold cave into your mother's harsh feelings. Have you tried to establish a dialogue? Tell her what you have told us, and see where that goes. If not, treat her with respect, but avoid contact if you can. I'm sorry, but that is the best I can offer.

Jimmy R.

Answer 4

You are very right, when people talk about their mother they glow because they know without a doubt that they are trully loved by their mothers. You my dear cannot glow coz your mother is the mother from hell. I think when she looks at you she sees your dad, she regrets having you probably because after the divorce she had to raise you up all by herself so you can imagine the financial burden. Probably when she wanted to go out with other men just to get over your dad, she couldn't coz she had to stay home with you. My advise : dont give her the satisfaction by screaming back and droping the phone on her.

I think she does what she does to get the worst out of u. Start reacting the opposite of what she expects even if it hurts. Concentrate more on being content with yourself. Ask yourself that if you were a mother, would u love u for a daughter? Would u love u for a friend/sister? If you want to hurt your mom, be nice and dont let her get into you and she will wonder...

Answer 5

first of all, your mother is a human, a human is never perfect, but Mother always Does deserve respect. its is good if you also consider your mom as friend, then say to her what you are concerning in a friendly way. If her re-acts disapoints you, then I guess just accept the way she is, because I believe she loves you, but she has a special personality, and behaviour.
Someone even have a worse mom than your, but being bad also considered as illness that need help and love from others, especially the love and help from their childrens.
If you are a little child, then it is very difficult to demand your love and help cover your mother because as a little child, you need to be loved and helped. But if you can do that, you are one of the great child ever, who will have great reward from God.

Answer 6

Maybe you remind her of your dad, or may she is just jealous of you. I think she owes you an apology. Don't worry about it, put it in Gods hands, because one day she is going to need you for something and it's going to be up to you are you going to be the bigger person and help. Sit down and talk to your mother and let her know about the pain she have been putting you threw. Your family can be your worse enemy. Good Luck to you and keep your head up. Sometimes we have to encourage ourselves.
And another thing like the saying goes in order to get respect you have to give respect, because you are somebody.

















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Answer 7

ok yes call,thentell her how u feel. look i lost my mom at age 4 i wish to god everyday she was here....do not let what she says to u...keep u from not being in her life try to heal things u need her ...please try to mend it with her u dont know when ur time here is over so u need to make peice.....let her know how u feel yall could go to counciling together and work things out..

Answer 8

No you're not wrong, your mother gets the same respect she gives!! Sory, my mom would NEVER treat me like that!!