looking for relationship advice..living with an alcoholic?

Question

I've lived with a man 37 year old man for the last 5 years. We bought a house 3 years ago, and have a little dog. I am to a point where I no longer want to put up with it. I think the final straw was the other day, it was my birthday, and I came home to find him drunk. We were supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate, but I refuse to go out with him when he is drinking. It is now 30 days out of 31 in a month that he drinks til he's drunk. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of asking him to leave for a month, stay with a friend, see about getting help for his drinking..and if he doesn't then at least I will have had a chance to get the house in order to put it on the market. Anyone have any advice? I'm really needing some good advice on the best way to handle this..financially, emotionally, etc. Don't need the "you go girl" comments, just need the "this is the best way to approach this" comments. Thanks in advance..really! We aren't married, but everything is joint.

Answer 1

Here's a plan. You have to get your family doctor in this strategy. Put something in his food that will cause him to have a stomachache. Ask your family doctor to do a checkup and give him fake results that if he drink anymore he'll die or something serious will happen. Do the same thing if he does not listen to you just after he had another drink. Good luck

Answer 2

It sounds like you have made a final decision.

You don't say if he works at all.
You also have the 'joint' problem.
You don't say....but I can guess with him drinking
that much, that there has been physical abuse involved.

My suggestions - [as I've been there]
Don't discuss anything with him!! Just do it!!
Go open up a separate savings account.
Take out half of any of your joint accounts [if all the money is yours....take it.]
Transfer funds from any of your accounts that you have him
as beneficiary to a new solo account.
Take any of your valuables [jewelry, savings bonds, etc] and put them in a safety deposit box. [don't give to family or friends - no matter how close they are with you, so you don't run into problems with that at a later date...they may be on 'his' side when the separation occurs].

He probably won't leave on his own or at your request.
What I did when my ex came home drunk- for the last time, I took all the house keys and car keys off of his key ring. [If it will be too obvious that some will be missing....get some old keys and put them on his key ring or stop at a locksmith and ask for a couple of old keys to put on his key ring when you take the good ones off].

Then the next time he went out drinking.....he could not get back in.

If this will make him violent with you, then just discretely do the transfer of any monies and get yourself out of there. Find yourself a place to stay and start packing up and moving out a box or two at a time so its not noticeable to him. When you have the last obvious stuff to pack and move, plan it with friends to come over and help on a day he will be out of the house. Then just disappear. Take the dog with you. He will be safer. Deal with the sale of the house from outside the home. Although it will be more difficult, you will be safer. You will probably have to retain an attorney for the sale seeing it is joint.

Bottom Line - You can't fix him His alcohol is the most important thing in the world, He won't stop, He won't change and He doesn't love you more than his alcohol. Sorry if the truth hurts....but I think you've come to this realization otherwise you would not be asking this question.

Good luck and God Bless. My prayers are with you and Be Safe!! Remember there is only one You....you will always get more money and another home.

Answer 3

You do not have children so you are able to make decisions and implement them. No one should continue to live with an alcoholic who thinks so little of his spouse that he would subject her to the degradation of responding to anything someone drunk would say or do. He can go into detox and then transfer into an outpatient or inpatient treatment program at no cost if he cannot afford it. Alcoholism is a choice in that he can choose treatment or deny it. The latter is a statement about how much he values you in his life. If he has learned that you will continue to be nothing more than annoyed when he staggers in, he will continue to do so until you tire and turn to drink yourself. This is the time to be decisive. Issue an ultimatum and then follow through. Make a decision based upon reasonable thought and follow through. Do not listen to or respond to tears, threats or guilt trips. Anyone can be sober in 24 hours. If they care, they will put in the work until normalcy returns. If they do not care, they will get angry and vile and place all the blame on the spouse.
So you must act now. You have talked with alcohol rehab counselors and you know the patterns and you realize you have no options other than to break the pattern tonight. If he won't leave, you leave and go to family. Good luck.

Answer 4

Sad to learn of your situation, I suppose you would like options other than separating ?
You must try to analyze why he is drinking so much, is it that he wants to get out of the relationship , and is looking for an excuse, is it that he is not happy with the job , I mean try to find out why is he trying to run away from reality and staying drunk all the while, if you cant figure out, you may try to get help from a professional counsellor, say a psychologist or maybe a physician.
You may also think of taking a short course in life style modification techniques, lots of eastern techniques are available the world over, look for '' vipassaana '' on the net , you may be able to locate a place close to wherever you are, and it offers help for free globally.
I think it is brave of you, to stick on to someone with a problem, who is more pain than joy, but then people need love most when they least deserve it ??
Good luck

Answer 5

The best approach is to open a spreadsheet in Excel and list at the top: Your Name, His Name, Joint Stuff, Stuff to Sell, Stuff to Donate.
Under these 5 columns, list everything you own, he owns, and the things you own jointly by their estimated/appraised value. After you have the list completed, sit him down at a sober moment and discuss with him the values, the stuff you two want to sell, and the stuff you want to donate/giveaway.
Persist in discussing your separation and tell him why. Get his agreement signed. Then act accordingly. If he loves you, he'll realize what you are doing and saying, he'll get help to stop drinking, and he'll arrange to marry you. Lucky there are no children born to this relationship, but now you've learned a valuable lesson. Other than the protection contained in the joint documents, you have little or no common law marriage protection. Check you State's law on common law marriages though!

Answer 6

All you can do is to approach him at his more sober moments and sit down and discuss the problems. Be honest, be blunt tell him that if he continues his drinking it will end the relationship. Tell him he needs help and that you are willing to stand by him as long as he gets help. Then leave him alone. The only person who can get him to stop if he wants to is himself. You can give him a certain amount of time to make his decision (a week, 10 days, a month) and if he hasn't come up with a solution to his drinking problem leave. If he truly WANTS to quit drinking he will. If he doesn't want to he won't

Answer 7

First off this man is no good I have to say if he chooses drinking over you then he is a loser and need to be kick out for good.
second off he not going to get help if he really doesn't wanna it they have to want the help to get the help. Can't force him not going to make it better.
alcoholics don't think they are alcoholics that how they are. I know first hand on what alcoholics are like. My friends mother is an alcholic she choose drinking over her kids and that her lost so don't put yourself in a sitituation like that you don't need to worrying about him and think the worst when he home drink it like taking care of child but bit more forceful so good luck hope everything works out and this might not be advice your looking for but it gives you some info well bye

Answer 8

I have been sober for 2 years now, I spent most of life drunk.. I can only suggest you give this man some ultimatives and consequences. He has to be the one to hit his bottom if he wants help and it sounds like he does not want help. But to protect yourself you might want to incist that he goes to A.A. or a detox hospital. If he does not go to AA or a detox set your boundaries.
For example you will make other living arrangements, or have him make the arrangements. whatever you are comfortable with.
Do not be co-dependent on his actions and behavior. You guys
liquadate all assets and put closure to his distructive ways.
This will be hard for you. I will have my degree in drugs and alcohol and I also work in a detox hospital. I would suggest for you to reach out to Al-anon this is a program for people who live with others that are haunted by the disease of alcoholism.
You will find support from others that are in the same shoes as yourself.. you can pull up meetings by just typing in al-anon. I wish you luck and my heart goes out to you...

Answer 9

Speaking from experience I can tell you that a drunk will not admit he has a problem until he is faced with some life-changing issue. Until he accepts that he is a drunk he will not get help.

You need to find where a meeting of al-anon is in your area. This is great help for those who live with an alcoholic.

Answer 10

I was somewhere close to that situation some 5 years ago, about his same age. 6 out of 7 days were "beer time" with the pals!!!
My wife bringme back to earth, not an easy job but she was there to do it, I still go at least one night a week and she is happy because there have been much worst scenarios.

Do you love him enough to walk with him the way?