Can I please have some constructive critisism for one more paragraph?

Question

(And if you want to know where the book is being written, email me and I'll send you a link when I publish it.)

Joe was just looking out the window hoping for Frank's safe return when he noticed somebody looking out the window with him. "Dad?" he asked, surprised. "I thought you were away on a case."

"I came back when I heard your brother was missing. What happened?"

"I don't know. Suddenly, I mean, ya'know, he was grabbed really fast and slammed into a car! I don't even know why he was grabbed, Dad, honest!"

Answer 1

Why is Joe just staring out the window? He saw his brother getting grabbed so shouldn't he have done more than just watch for his return?

How about:
Joe was fidgeting at the window wondering what to do. So many questions were going through his mind. Why was his brother seemingly forced into a car? Did Frank know who it was? He had already called and left a message for his father at work but hadn't heard back yet. Maybe he should just call 911 right away. He was wishing he had, had the foresight to get the license plate number but at least he knew what the car looked like.

He made up his mind and as he turned to go to the phone, he was surprised to see his father was suddenly there behind him.

Etc.

Answer 2

Joe was just looking out *of* the window*,* hoping for Frank's safe return*,* when he noticed someone join him in staring.
"Dad?"

Avoid phrase repetition, don't be afraid of using too many commas, and start each dialogue in a new paragraph. Very nice though! The stars are just for the changes I made.

Answer 3

Candy, please keep writing. I think you have real potential. It isn't Michener or Hemingway, yet. But keep writing, please.

BTW, it sounds fine. I like the "ya'know". I absolutely hate the speech habit but it adds a natural element to the dialog. Just don't start using it for every other word.

Answer 4

it seems fine . .