How do you make a relationship with infidelity in the past work?

Question

My wife and I have both made mistakes in the recent past... to the point of sexual infidelity. We have a two year old son and would like to make things work out, but get past or thinking about what happened... the jealousy and lack of trust is so strong that we are having a hard time. We really love eachother and don't want our family to split up. Serious responses only please.

Answer 1

I know just what you are talking about. My husband and i have been thru this about 3 years ago. It takes alot of hard work and detication to each other and will only work if you love each other truely. You have to admit to each other that you are sorry and mean it, then you have to get thru each day one day at a time. Say you love her every day more than once, call eachother thru out the day just to say hello and that you were thinking about eachother and make sure that you do not make it sound like you are checking up on one another, just say hey i just called to say i love you and i miss you and i will see you when i get home. The trust is something that is very hard to work out but it can be done, jealousy well if there is love then there is no room for jealousy. My husband and i still have to work on our marraige every day, but we love each other no matter what, just think of your little boy and go on. Good Luck!

Answer 2

I believe that you can make it work, but only if you both decide it is worth the struggle.

I am heartened by your statement that you both want to keep your family from splitting up. Despite your intense disagreements with your wife, you two agree on one very important issue: your need to try to keep the family together for the sake of your son. Also, you indicate that you both still really love each other. This is a second major point of agreement. I think this means that you have a sound basis for a reconciliation.

Now comes the hard part. You must rebuild the trust and let go of the jealousy.

This will be extremely difficult. The relationship you once knew before the problems set in is gone forever. Yet this doesn't mean that you can't build something even more beautiful. It just means that you both have to give up not only the hurt, pain, and bruised egos caused by the marital strife, but also the false expectations you have for your future. You two are changed forever. So, you must meet each other where you are today. Respond to the new needs you have at this moment. Dream new dreams.

You likely need different things from her now, and she from you. Do you need a break from sex with her or more sex? Do you need more time with her to talk about feelings, or are you all talked out? Do you need to spend more time with friends and family, or more time together with your wife as a pair? Do you need her to be more attentive to you or do you need more space from her? Ask the same kinds of questions of your wife. Remember that the damage caused by infidelity can be repaired, but only when you both acknowledge all of the havoc that has been wreaked in your lives and how it has changed you both and what you need from each other.

Know that it will take a very long time for you to repair this damage. Before you commit to doing it, be sure that you both realize the work that this will take. You will do your child no favors by sticking together and making a half-hearted attempt at getting back together. If you know in your hearts that this will likely not work, do your son a favor and go your separate ways. Get healthy on your own, be the best individuals you can be, and communicate with one another as parents in the best way that you can for him. Your son will not begrudge you your happiness. In fact, when he is older, he may look back and thank you for being realistic about the situation and sparing him the pain of watching and hearing you fight, or watching and hearing you come to hate one another.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

It is very difficult for both partners to trust each other once their trust is destroyed. Trust is a very important part of love, whether if it's between a mother and her son, or between couples. It's not that you two were having sexual infedility that is concerning... It's that you were having it, and didn't tell the other partner. And since it is bad to have sexual infedility (from nurturing that it's bad), you didn't tell the other partner because of fear (fear is the lack of trust), and therefore, even before you done what you done, you two may already have been unloyal (part of trust). The point is, this shouldn't have happened in the first place. From my understanding, your love is never going to be at it's full potential because it lacks this formula, and this memory will always live on. However, even if it's not going to be at it's unlimited potential, we can at least make it the best it can (if you truly want this to work, and if you still love her).
To fix this (note, this isn't guaranteed 100%):
1) Read a book from a good psychologist (your pick) that teaches you on the matter of communicating effectively with your partner (you need to find your own style based on how your partner communicates; use your past experiences).
2) Using your knowledge from step 1, for one week, talk over about this issue without blaming each other. Blame yourself if you have to (never her), but in fact, the best thing to do is to not blame ANYTHING. Turn this negative thing into something positive that you two can learn from, and in the end, be a man and apologize (hopefully, she'll apologize too, because this gives you that funny good feeling).
3) For the next week, leave this issue alone, and let things cool off. But always pay attention to her and give her lots of love. ASAP... Affection, Support, Attention, and Praise (this one not necessary). Surprise her at the weekend and take her out somewhere great (your pick). Give her a gift, and don't talk about the issue from the past in this date.
4) Next week, bring the past issues back once more (why do this? Because you want her to trust you and not think that you have forgotten the bad stuff that you done. But at the same time, you had shown that what you done with her (the date?) was not because of the "past" bad stuff. I notice that many people try to bribe the past negative things off by giving their spouses gifts, and lots of kissing their feets. This simply shows that you lack honesty, because you only do good things to make others forget the bad things that you done to them. What works is consistency). And after you talk about this, and apologize, etc., tell her that you want to start over (or something like that). The important task here is to make sure that you two will never bring this stuff back out again, and instead focus on the good stuff in your love life.
5) Take her out on dinners every once a month, and pay attention to her everyday for at least 10 minutes each day, and keep building each other's trust. Where you take it from here is up to you.
If all this is too much, just remember that listening is more important than talking.
Hopefully this helps.

Answer 4

Be totally committed to the marriage, own up to both your parts. Build on the love that apparently exists. Once the trust is broken in a marriage, I think it takes a long time to rebuild it, but through faith and hard work it can be done. I and a firm believer in marriage rules, and when you break one of the rules, the marriage is over. The one rule I cannot set aside is that of infidelity. There is NEVER an excuse for it. The only person my husband should be intimate with is me. He shouldn't be touchin', huggin', kissin', or lovin' anyone but me. The same goes for him, if we both have what we want at home, what is there to venture out into the streets for? Society has made it easy to cheat and get away with it. In the old days they would stone you for committing adultery. Next to giving your life to Christ, marriage is the second most honorable commitment two people can make before God, and it should not be entered into lightly. If you think you can work it out, good luck. Seek professional help, I don't think you can do it on your own.

Answer 5

Good for you man. Think of the kid and try hard. I can tell you from my own experience with my wife of 11 years that its SO SO SO hard. She cheated on me and I have put up a huge wall. I try to lower my defences but its really hard. I think the more I understand why she did it, the better off I am. I keep thinking its going to happen again and I never want to hurt that bad, but chances are it won't. One thing a relationship loses is purity. Its no longer a pure relationship, its tainted with a terrible event that your partner could have prevented. But, I also have three kids and love my wife like no other on this planet. so heres what we did.

Every day we find something very nice to say to each other to start the day. Mine thismorning was "I love watching you sleep" hers was "I love feeling your warm body against mine" This is a good way to build "validation" because lets face it, after an affair we no longer feel like we are wanted. its like your partner said "I can be without you" and now yu feel the relationship is expendable.

My wife and I talk very little about the "event" and more about how we feel right now. like this for example. I think *that evil ***** hates me and wants someone else* but I say "I feel like we could spend more time together being a couple, I need that feeling of 'oneness' that only you can give me" or she may think *that rotten prick is trying to control me by asking to many question* but she says "I feel like you are worried that I'm going to mae that mistake again, I want you to know I'd never hurt you like that again"

Now, as for my side of it, I still hurt every day. its been 6 months and I feel like I'm married to a divorced woman, no matter how much love, kindness and respect she shows me, I still think about the "event" and think how easy it was for her to risk everything. In my mind married people don't do that, and if they do, they're not really in love. But, I never did anything to her. She, in essence divorced me to "see what it was like"

My advice to you is to tell her these simple words "I don't know how long it will take to make things right, but if it takes until 90 years old I'll try every day" and stick to it. Good luck to you, its not easy and it won't be, but if its worth it, keep trying every day.

Answer 6

I'd be really surprised if you could. I think it will always be a concern to both of you. Sorry, but I just don't think the relationship could survive the way you want it to. You'll both always have a lack of trust.

Answer 7

That is why they call it the past. Both of you need to let it go and realize that you are still together for a reason! Good Luck

Answer 8

HI with all due respect...it is a little late to say you really love each other. this would not have happened if you loved each other

Answer 9

forgive and forget