Before getting into the marriage my step daughter and myself had a great relationship. Now it is for the birds. She dislikes me. And I am getting to where I dislike her. One of my main complaints is that she is very disrespectful to me and is allowed to be this way. Not only that but her dad doesn't think that she should have to help out any way shape or form. She hasn't touched a dish in 3 years! she is giving absolutely everything she wants. She does not ask for these things, she demands them. If my husband can not give it to her, the grandparents give it to her. She has absolutely no rules or responsibilties. Her grades are bad in school. Yet, she is still allowed to have her car, stay out until midnight on school days. When she isn't getting her way she plays Dad against me. "I wish it was just you and me again Daddy". This has actually caused my husband and I to split once. His parents hate me because of things she says about me. What can I do?
2006-10-15 11:35:24 · 17 answers · asked by stop_staring_please 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Love her. Tell her you are her daughter, even if not by biology. Tell her you care. Smile at her, let her know you are in your heart. Be there for her when she fails. Tell her you love her no matter what. Be proud of when she succeeds. When she fails, tell her, you'll do better. I hope for you that things will get better.
2006-10-15 11:39:32 · answer #1 · answered by the_post2001 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well since she has a car she must be at least 16. This is a battle you will never win. You wont have peace until she is out of the house. And maybe not even then.
Her dad feels guilty (for the divorce and all that goes with it).. so he makes up for it by putting no demands on her, by giving her everything she askes for and allowing her the run of the house and to disrespect you (and himself for that matter).
The grandparents are doing what all grandparents live for.. they give her what she wants. Just because mommy and daddy broke up doesn't mean they can't still do what grand people do. Spoil the grandchildren. And they probably dislike you because they had high hopes of the marriage working and it didn't. Not that it's your fault.. but what the hey.. why not blame the outsider.
The step daugher has a right to be angry (not be rude and ugly) but angry. Her family has exploded and pieces landed everywhere. Then daddy marries a new lady.. mommy probably has a boyfriend and both are starting new.. and what does she have? Nothing. Two houses she visits and no place to call home. She doesn't feel like she belongs anywhere... the adults in her life have moved on with their own interests. How would you feel?
As for you.. you have a few choices. Stop interacting with her as a parent because you are not, but be civil and polite to her even if it kills you. Try to understand where she is coming from. She's lost her intact family. And may have heard unhappy things on both sides of the firing line.
Express how you feel to your husband. If he does not see your point of view and make any changes to ease tension for both of you, then you have no power to change anything. (As it is you really have no power). So you can accept things as they are OR cut bait and fish else where. But what ever you do.. don't make any new babies with this fella.
2006-10-15 11:52:59 · answer #2 · answered by D F 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm a stepmom too, and I can't believe that your husband allows her to act like that!!!! I'm guessing that your husband feels bad for what she's been through and thinks that not making her do anything, giving her what she wants, having no rules or discipline, etc. makes it up to her. Little does he know he's sadly mistaken. What he is allowing her to get away with is hurting her more than helping her. When she goes out in the real world, it will be a rude awakening when she finds out everyone won't do as she says, give her what she wants, etc., not to mention no man will put up with her crap. How sad to not instill respect and manners into your child.
I commend you for sticking around under the circumstances. If she doesn't show you respect and your husband doesn't make her do so, he apparently doesn't have much respect for you either. (sad truth) Good luck with it.....
2006-10-15 11:50:59 · answer #3 · answered by bluez 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like Dad is in denial. Daddy wants to be the good guy but all he is doing is enabling his daughters bad behavior. This girl already knows she can get over big time. There needs to always be boundaries and rules in any family. When parents start to take sides that is when the family breaks down. Sounds like you just need to speak your mind, you don't have to be loud or crazy. You just need to say what you know to be true and hold your ground and if things don't change and Dad does not back you up then you know what you have to do. This girl is very manipulative and she knows how to lie and act like a spoiled child to get what she wants. It's time for her to grow up and it's time for dad and the grandparents to stop enabling her behavior and start doing something. Because she really does not care about anyone other than herself. She knows how to play people and they buy into her sociopath behavior. She needs to see a therapist.
2006-10-15 11:44:44 · answer #4 · answered by crash 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I bet thats a hard situation. You want to repremand but she'll always pull the "You're not my mom!" thing and "I dont have to listen to you". If this really bothers you I would talk to your husband about it. I was witness to a similar situation to my friend and his stepmom and his dad. He is a good kid but when his dad and stepmom got married, he started acting up and being really rude to her. His dad would try to repremand him but in the end would always give in to what he wanted. So the stepmom finally went to the father and told him "I love you and all and want to be with you but I cant live here if he lives here/acts like that" That fixed the problem quite fast...they made him move out. Now I dont know how old your step daughter is but her moving out might not be a possibility. Also!.... my other friend had a similar experience exept it was with his brother and their stepmom. Pretty much she talked to the father about it and she moved into a seperate place acrossed the street so they could be together but she didnt have to deal with the kid.
Now...i know these are things that might not be possible in your life.... but pretty much my advise is : Go talk to your husband tell him how you feel and how you feel about his daughters attitude/responcibility and such... also make it sound like you are concerned for her future in a good way... (ex: Well i feel she needs to learn to be responcible and not get what she wants because thats how the real world is) ... and not bashing (ex: Your daughter is just such a big ***** and i cant stand her!!) Anyways..goodluck
2006-10-15 11:44:53 · answer #5 · answered by swyftsilver84 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you are seeing is a child who is acting like most child her age, but because of the family dynamics, the child has an opening to take it a step further. Unfortunately, you didn't clarify everything before coming into the marriage. I have a questionnaire that I give to people, that was developed by the University of Missouri in Columbia. You answer the questions, than it tell you how to evaluate them.
2006-10-15 11:47:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop trying to be her parent because you're not and it isn't worth it. If she was already a teen before you got married it is way too late to even try to assume a parental role. If you are very lucky you can still be friends but be happy if you're just civil to each other. She is your husband's daughter, not yours. She is just a teen you live with and are willing to live with because you love your husband that much. You must put up with her just like she must put up with you. You don't owe her anything and she doesn't owe you anything. What do you care if she wasn't raised the way you would raise your own child? If she screws up her life it isn't your fault, so don't assume responsibility for her actions now. If her father thinks its fine, its not your place to argue. She will be gone soon and you can encourage her to go off to school or whatever. Just make it easy on yourself in the meantime.
As for the housework, who did it before you came along? If not her, must have been him, right? If so and he doesn't want things to change, just tell him he needs to start doing it again, because you don't want to rock the boat or anything.
2006-10-15 11:37:06 · answer #7 · answered by tenaciousd 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
my sister was the same way with our stepmother when my father and her first got married. My stepmother stopped trying to parent her; but rather become more of a friend to her and encourage her to do better and be all that she can be. She'd take her out and have a 'girls day out' and go out to eat, take her to see the movie she wanted to see and so forth. Next thing you know my sister is getting married and my stepmother is helping her plan it and she bought her the wedding dress of her dreams and 2 years later she passed away. My sister now has the greatest respect for our stepmother; she was the best thing to ever happen to the 2 of us.
Keep hope! You just have to find a way to connect with her; only then will you be able to get through to her. Honestly I it sounds to me like she might be bitter about the whole 'stepmother' thing. Give it time and it'll all work out I promise!
2006-10-15 14:49:37 · answer #8 · answered by cdnis06 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i am sorry to say you are in a real bad situation....but your husband should make her respect you...i would try and talk to him about this...your marriage is important also....i think he is wrong in letting her have her way and staying out late when her grades are so bad...and she is not learning any responsibility if she is not required to help you around the house...it is time you make a stand....i have never been in your situation but i think if this man loves you he better start correcting things especially the way you are being treated....and i would not wait much longer before i talked to him about this either....
2006-10-15 11:41:36 · answer #9 · answered by sanangel 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
put your foot down without saying a word,just stop cleaning her room put a basket in her room and just let her know thats to put her clothes in at the end of the week what ever isnt in there you dont wash and do the same around the house if anything she leaves lying around it goes in the bin if your husbund asks about it you tell him you were cleaning up there was rubbish lying around your not sure what happened,dont take any intrest in her dont try to be her friend and eventually she will come around and want your attention and get close to you
2006-10-15 11:41:50 · answer #10 · answered by treatau 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋