Should I stay or should I go??

Question

Hi...first timer here. Crazy but true. My little girl dream of living happily ever after isn't happening. Married 12 yrs, together 18. Lots of things have happened that have made us angry, hurt, empty. 2 beautiful children are our glue right now. I don't want to hurt our children...effect them in their development, security, need for both mommy and daddy. Little minds and hearts shouldn't have to have such big problems to deal with. But...does that mean I stay and feel empty, unwanted and unhappy? Give me some insight. I'm too close...can't see clearly.

Answer 1

You have basically answered your own question. You know what youre up against and the consequences of a divorce on you children. If youre looking for some magical answer that will resolve all your problems, sorry, there is none. There is no easy answer or way out here without hurting someone. This all comes down to what are you willing to put up with for the sake of your kids? Or at least til they get older? Its a real shame when reality destroys our childhood dreams but it happens alot when we get older. I really wish I had a better answer for you but it just comes down to its your decision because youre the one who has to live with it. Good luck

Answer 2

I can tell you this much. Never stay because of the kids. Kids are smart. They can tell when mommy and daddy arent happy. They will still have mommy and daddy when you two go your seperate ways. The only difference is that it wont be together. You have to ask yourself, would you want to be fake in love in front of the kids...and they KNOW you dont love one another...or would you rather move out and REALLY be happier for the kids? You dont know if you are doing the right thing by staying with your spouse or not. But as your kids get older, they will know that mom and dad's lives were a lie. How do you know that it wont destroy their beliefs in true love. TRUE love!! Think about all the chances you will miss out on if you stay with someone you dont love instead of moving on to someone who might love you and make you happy. Then your kids will see how happy you are. Your kids will still have parents. Be good parents. Thats all you two have to be. But you can be good parents seperated instead of bad parents together. If your kids are small, then they have many more years with mommy and daddy. Just focus on being good parents, and move on with your life with someone else. It doesnt make you a bad person. Nothing will stop you from being a parent. No matter who is in your life. Good luck.

Answer 3

Over 18-years of seeing the results of divorce, children have 400% higher rates drug use, teen pregnancy, criminal activity, etc., when the family is not intact. Your happiness does not carry as much weight as seeing to it that children grow up a part of an intact family. Once they are out of the house, than you can do whatever you want, and will have 40+ years to do it in. At least, have a bird nest custody arrangement, where the child stays in the same house and you live there for three week, than switch.

Answer 4

Blessings.

It has been my experience that people can work through anything. Sometimes we have to step back, put ourselves on the back burner and look at the larger picture. In a marriage, you may find yourself giving 60 and receiving 40 or giving 80 to get 20. It is not always 50/50. The number one cause for divorce is selfishness. People forgot that they married to improve the life of the other. You should realign your goals. Both of you need to get away to a marriage conference and renew your commitment to one another. He needs to know how you feel. Not what you think he knows, you must make it plain. Trust me, your children are not the only ones that are worth it. You owe it to each other to go down fighting. You can find all of the reasons to leave. Find one to stay. Pray, seek Godly counsel and work things out.

It takes three. God is willing, is he? More improtantly, Are you?

I wish you well.

Shalom!

Answer 5

Counseling! You need to find a counselor to help your sort out the feelings that you are having. It would be great if you and your husband go together however if he is unwilling you need to go yourself.

Children should NEVER be the glue that holds a marriage together. Would you want your children to suffer the same kind of marriage? They will if they grow up seeing and believing that marriage is what their parents had.


Your chidlren will have a much better life with two mentally healthy parents. Sometimes divorce is the only thing that can make things right for them.

My heart goes out to you.

Answer 6

well the choice is yours to make but remember there are other people you need to consider before making this decision. First of all will you still be a part of your child's lives?will you be able to provide them a place to stay (for visitation or custody),will you be willing to work on positive parenting from both homes? if you decide to leave then you need to sit down with your partner to explain why and also to set up a visitation/custody agreement/child support/separation agreement.
if you dont feel comfortable doing this with just your partner go and see a lawyer and then have all of this done in front of him/her and then it is a legal document.
also you need to remember your partner in all of these decisions and remember that after 18 years together it is going to be hard and there will be alot of feelings that will be hurt,angry, and may want to try and get revenge.
If you can work through them without making matters worse then you should be ok.
I dont want to sound like i am an expert but i have made this decision myself before and i have also had someone do this to me.Remember only you can take care of you so make your decision wisely.
Good Luck and Take Care

Answer 7

if you stay you could also hurt the children because you are put in a place where you don't feel comfortable because your kids can sense the unhappy signals believe it or not .your kids can have the security of both parents in separate homes. as long as mommy and daddy show love and give the kids the attention that they need.sit down with your spouse to see if there is any way things can be repaired.if not and you have to part sit down as a family and explain to the kids that its not their fault.as long as you are not happy your children are not happy.if its a marriage worth holding onto fight for it if not,let it go.(my parents divorced after 16 years of marriage and i seen how it could have affected me and my siblings but they knew what was best for us and because of the relationship they continued to have with one another kept us together as far as security and development

Answer 8

You rhappiness is not important now. Sty until you kids turn 18. In the meantime, have you taken your wife away for the weekend without the kids. Are you 38-50, going through mid-life crisis? Think about what you have contributed to this. Have you come across someone else who tickles your fancy so you are trying to come up with some reason to leave?

Answer 9

it would be so perfect for all of us to live happily ever after wouldn't it? but the cold hard fact are that most of us don't. as a child growing up i could see that my parents were not happy with each other, and as i got older i realized that they were only staying together because of us kids. and believe it or not a kid will start to feel guilty because of this.all our children want is for our parents to be happy. sure we would all like it if they could do this together but it does not always happen that way. if you are no longer happy then it is really time to make another life for yourself. your children will love you and their father no matter what. it may be hard for them at first, as well as for you and him. but, as long as you continue to tell your kids everyday that you love them and daddy loves them and show them that you do. things will work out. also try very very hard to have an open communication with your husband about the kids even after your no longer together. this will show your kids that even though you are no longer with their daddy you are both concerned with their future. good luck.

Answer 10

I know that you want to stay together because of your kids, but you should be happy, and i know its a tough situation but your kids will be able to feel the tension and eventually thier will be fights and more problems to come and i say why wait and put your self through this any longer if your kids are young yes it will be hard to get used to it at first, but they will understand it and be perfectly fine in time, my mother left my father when i was 3 and i haven't seen him since but i came out just fine I know your husband will not do that so it will be a change going to two different homes every other weekend or so,... but don't just stay because of the kids stay because you truly want to if not you'll just make things worse