Wife doesn't like to visit my family. Am I right to be upset?

Question

I met my wife in a state where neither of us were from, when we go married, we moved by her family. It was important to me to live by some family even if not my own. Two years later, we argue terribly every time my family comes to visit or when I try to plan a trip to see my family. We've only gone a couple times for two or three days. My wife has no problem with my family members, but they do not have the same ample living arrangements that we are used to having. We might have to stay on blow up mattress, or share a single bathroom between 5-10 visiting family members. Also, some of my family is rough around the edges, but never rude. I know that these things make it difficult for my wife, but they are people that I care deeply about, and I feel that it is her responsibility to deal with the less than ideal situations. I feel that I would do this for her. She feels that I am not sensitive to her feelings. I tell her that for my family she has to put her feelings aside. Am I wrong?

Answer 1

I understand both your wife and your feelings on this. She probably just feels uncomfortable staying at their place with all your relatives there. When you go to visit get a hotel room that way she can at least take a shower without worrying about hurrying up and getting ready with a little privacy. I wish my ex had done this cause I too hated every time we went to visit his parents staying at their home with them and other relatives. I had nothing against his family just didn't like staying at their place when we went to visit with them.

Answer 2

You do need to respect her feelings, if she doesn't want to go, then don't make her, go by yourself. I do think it is very selfish of her. Your family should be the most important thing in your life, they have always been there, they have watched you grow and become a man. Could you imagine how they would feel if you stopped visiting just because someone else didn't want to go with you? They may be "rough around the edges" but that is who they are and they are a part of you. Maybe she isn't the right one for you, have you thought about that? She would be lucky to get an air mattress to sleep on! At least it's not a dirt floor. To me that isn't even a sacrifice. Are her feelings the only ones that matter? What about yours? What about your family? Years down the road, you may divorce, and some family members may have passed on, I think you would spend a lot of time wishing you would have just sucked it up and went regardless of her whining.

Answer 3

As much as I would like to tell you that you aren't wrong, I simply can't. Especially after you said that she doesn't have a problem with the family members. Staying in such conditions may leave her feeling uncomfortable and I can't say that I blame her. You grew up with these people, she didn't and for you to expect her to just deal with it, is a little insensative on your part. I think she'd be more likely to visit on a more consistent basis if you made other sleeping accomodations available, such as a cheap hotel room nearby. A little privacy goes a long way for some people, and your wife may just be one of them. I know I am. I love my in-laws dearly but to spend more than a day at their house, sharing one bathroom with all of them would drive me to not want to visit as often. Instead, if our visit is longer than one night, we rent a hotel room and it works out great. We still get to spend the quality time with them, but we aren't left with a waiting line to use the shower each morning. We also have somewhere else to go if the inlaws start getting on my nerves. It's a win win situation. And if you are worried about explaining this to your parents, don't be. I've literally explained this to my mother in law after our first hotel stay and she completely understood, she even joked that she would have done the same if she could have with her inlaws.

Answer 4

You are quite right. I would be upset too. Your wife has to understand that not everyone is as privileged. It's not like you're moving in with your family. It's only for a few days. Even if she does not like your family she should put up with it for a few days and she should be respectful while there. She needs to understand that your family is part of who you are and that you love them no matter what.

Answer 5

Your right , plus your not the only couple to deal with these issues. She should learn to deal with your family, and if you can afford it why not stay in a motel when you visit your family then she can still have her space and privacy if that is what she needs

Answer 6

In my own situation, I am definitely more comfortable around my own relatives from my birth family, and I would rather hang out with them than my fiance's family. Anyways, the family situation on my fiance's side is kinda messed up.

Answer 7

Have you tryed getting a hotel room while visiting your family? I think there is a deeper reason than your wife is telling you, and no you are not wrong

Answer 8

""I feel that it is her responsibility to deal with the less than ideal situations""

Why is it her responsibility? Just go without her. She didn't marry your family she married you. If you want to spend time with your family she shouldnt' have to go. But you shouldn't have to avoid your family just because she isn't comfortable around them.

Answer 9

Been there myself....one way street. Like you said; "She feels that I am not sensitive to her feelings." as if she is the only one that matters.
I feel for you, for when the divorce comes, she will burn you bad...without thought and mercy.
Nothing you can do to convince a selfish person not to be selfish.

Answer 10

no,ur not wrong..
im sure u want to spend time with her family too...
next time leave her in ur house and go visit ur family and enjoy it..
we sometimes need time for our family....