I need some good advice.?

Question

My husband says that he loves me yet, he can never seem to make time to do things with me but he can make plans to go off with his friends and stay gone all night and half the morning. He has cheated on me before and we seperated for about 2 months and then got back together. We have been back together for a year now and he has stopped going to his AA meetings and has started going off with his friends drinking again. what should I do? Should I throw away a 15 year marriage?

Answer 1

First of all, if he was going to AA meetings, then that means he is an alcoholic. And you cannot make an alcoholic stop drinking. Sad but true. They have to make that decision in their life and stick by it. Your job is to NOT enable him to continue this life style so it does not affect you. You have to tell him how you feel about his behavior and his drinking and that it has to stop OR you will leave him. You have to give him a choice. That is the only thing that will give him a WAKE up call. As long as you continue to let him live the life he is living, he will do so. I know, after 15 years you want to stand by your man. And that is fine as long as your not enabling him to live a life style that hurts you and your marriage. He can't make time for you because his first priority is alcohol. Not so much his friends, its the alcohol. His friends are only important because they are all drinking along with him. An alcoholic likes to have an audience when they are drinking. He likes to see others going down the tube right along with him. This way he thinks it makes HIM look good. The only way your going to save your marriage is to give him an ultimatum. Otherwise he will continue to drink, go with his friends and ignore your needs. Alcohol will destroy this marriage, not him, not you, but the booze. I've seen so much of it in my life. I know what I'm talking about.

Answer 2

Yes cause he is never going to change his stripes. You have tried and you see all the signs. He is staying out all night with his freinds. That is not accetable at all. He is married and being a husband should be his first thought not hanging out with freinds. Alot of people on here are going to tell you go get some help try and try again. Then what when you have another 5 years in it and he is still the same. Then he has got what he wants. A wife at home to take care of him when he is there and a girlfreind on the side and freinds to hang out with when ever he wants. He has the it all HIS CAKE AND EATING IT TOO!!!!
You deserve better and you should have moved on long ago. Kick his sorry A** to the curb and find a real man. Let another manhave the chance to show you how a woman is suppose to be treated.

Answer 3

It is not that you are throwing anything away. From your message I understand that your husband goes off drinking (again). Do not oppose on what he does, it does not help and will make things worse. An important question is: do you have children? If yes, give them your full attention. If no, focus your attention fully on your own inner development. From within, the outer world will change in a favorable way. If you feel threatened as a result of his drinking, better to discuss with him how both of you can feel more comfortable. In that case living apart will then be better then continuing living together. But, there are many factors that play a role and only you will be able to oversee it all and act accordingly. Only in the case of violence, acting quickly will be important, otherwise let time pass and do not hold on to the situation when possibilities for change are manifesting. Lots of strength.

Answer 4

You know I would only advise divorce as a last resource, but, He's cheated on you, Strike one: He's abused alcohol, Strike two: And he's reverted back to his old ways, Strike three: 15 years is allot to throw away, but it is too long to have to put up with distrust. Get a lawyer, have him served, and when he asks you about it, now you have the authority in the discussion. He will stop or agree to leave. If he says he will stop then don't just believe him. Tell him the first sign of him drinking or messing around and he is history! This is costly, but it is better for you to spend $ saving your marriage than spending $ dissolving your marriage. Marriage counseling has turned horrible in the last decade. It is of no use except to pad the pockets of on-line graduates of some worthless college. Christian counselors are great but you don't sound Christian. Not a put down! We can sense our own quite easily. Secular people going to a Christian counselor is kind of a contradiction in terms, ya know? Good luck, and it may not be such a bad idea to head to church, just see what's there. Allot of answers to allot of questions there.

Answer 5

No, YOU shouldn't throw away a marriage. But, would you have lasted 15 years if he'd been drinking and hanging with friends all through the marriage? It sounds like HE is endangering the marriage. All you are doing is starting to face reality. HE probably is throwing away the marriage- which isn't something you can control. Only you can know if and when it's time to end the marriage.

Answer 6

You don't need to make the choice, he already has. He got you back. walked the walk, talked the talk. Now is starting to resort to his old ways. Most likely because he feels secure in his relationship again, or possibly can't help himself.
It seems your not throwing away anything worth holding onto. If he is making bad choices and taking you for granted. Of course you'll never forget the hurt you suffered when he cheated and you guys were apart.
You may not want to face that hurt again. But it sounds like you may have to sooner or later. It's going to hurt like hell.But you know that. Good luck

Answer 7

Sounds to me like he feels you are there for his convenience rather than a spouse whom he enjoys spending his time with. I guess you should look at the entire time you 2 have been together. Weigh the good against the bad and decide. I know it can be scary to get a divorce, but sometimes as good as our intentions are meant to be they just aren't shown in our actions. Divorce can be very liberating too. I am divorced now. I have never been happier. Plus now that I am away from it I can evaluate all that I didn't see while I was married.

Answer 8

I doubt reading from your story that he will be able to change his behaviour. You certaintly have been patience enough to wait for his enlightment to come, now unless you want to wait around another century. I would suggest you to throw some hard basic rules there; tell him what you think of the current situation...if he refuses to change....You know you'd really be better off without him!

Might I add also that you shouldn't think of it as; "throwing away 15 years of marriage", but you should see it as liberation after 15 years of putting op with someone who just doesn't care enough for you, to seriously make this marriage work.

Answer 9

My now ex husband did the same to me. He put very little effort into our relationship but he expected me to be loving and attentive. Then when he started cheating it was my fault because I did not meet his needs. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Talk to him - tell him how you feel before it is too late.

Answer 10

You are not throwing away your marriage he is. Get out now while you are still young and can enjoy life with a better man. Life is to short to live with someone who does not care about you and respect you the way they should. You have a life to live so get rid of him and start to enjoy life. Remember today is the first day of the rest of your life. Good Luck !