why? why does it take so long to get over your parents getting divorced?!?

Question

my parents have been divorced for over 9 years and I am still so hurt and so angry at one of my parents for it. my mom tried to take me away from my dad and move us. she took me to a counseler when i was four. that counselor lied to me about my dad and tried to tell me that he didn't love me. I was four and so I believed her. That ruined half of my life! My mother tried to keep me away from my step mom when I was five. She made me stay at her house for a month and then my dad's for a month. just when I started to feel like I belonged I was just taken away again. She said my dad would never see me again. she scared him so badly that he had to take anti depressants. and nine years later she STILL DENIES IT. I am so angry at her. she was so mean to my father's side of the family and pretends like they are best friends! My mom takes it out on me when she has a bad day and will never take responsibility for her own actions. I HATE HER!

what should I do?

Answer 1

my daughter was in the same position as you are in hating her mother. not for the same reason, but just as angry as you . i ended up being a mediator betwee n the two of them. i found that it was not as good a feeling as i thought, that my daughter chose me over her mother. i could see that she really didn't hate her mother, but really needed a her mother to be something she could never be. it took from her 16th birthday to her 32nd to have a relationship, not the best , but one they say hello and good bye without fighting.
i can tell you my observations and that they will you resolve this sooner than my daughter. first thing i had to do was convince my daughter that she had nothing to do with the divorce nothing she said, did or wheather she chose sides caused the divorce. the second thing was that she was loved, yes your mother loves you too, the problem is that she can't love you the way you need to be loved. this most likely will not change. you have to accept that and look for a comfortable level you can deal with her on. YOU have the right not to accept bad behavior from anyone including a parent. you say your mad at your mother for what she did to your father, remember, it is between them. you have the right tohelp and support whoever you want, but please don,t let me your fight. it is not fair for a parent to put a child in that poisition, everybody must ultimately stand up for themselves. if you do it for them, it makes aperson feel weak and powerless and really does not help them. that a daughter would love me enough to want to help is enough to make any parent happy. however, the parent should not take advantage,support is fine. the biggest problem took me awhile to realize. i could not understand that , although my daughter is very smart and finally understood what i was telling her, and that her mother was not going to change,why was her anger still so strong? it was because she was ashamed to have a mother that acted like that she felt why me? why can't i have anormal mother, a normal home, a mother and father in the same house and everybody loves one another. i had to convince her that although you could not put the puzzel back together, you could still be happy, as long as you put the old puzzel away and start a new one, one in which you are old enough to have a say. the final thing that i learned was that her biggest fear was that she would end up being like her mother, she ask all the time am i like that when her mother would do something she didn't like. do i look like my mother, do i act like her? she was compelled to change her mother because she needed to see that there was a person inside her mother that she could be, because she was afraid that she was looking at her self and she didn't like it. i should have picked up on this faster because once i convinced her this was not true(not an easy task) her anger slowly went away to the point we are now . she did not at first believe me , that she was afraid of becoming like her mother. i had to keep pointing out the clues as they happened to finally get her to believe. then i told her to look at me and her mother and asked her are we any thing like our parents? then i told her to that with her friends and relatives and see how we all match up. the report came back hardly any. although there are many similarities and mannerisms inside we are all unique individuals and believe it or not in controll of our destinys. i know this is long but, this bothers me, what we parents do to our children. i think iknow how you feel and i hope this helps.
the reason i feel so guilty about my daughter wasbecause i adopted her . i walked into her life and gave her hope and then dashed it by leaving, but inever left her . also don't feel that you are alone in feeling like this because simply your not. my other daughter accepted the situation more easily and gets along with everybody. this although good for my younger daughter made my older daughter feel there was something wrong with her. not true , we are all individuals and react differently. we are allowed to be ourselves.

Answer 2

I am going to assume you are 13 or 14 from what your story indicates. Don't let your hate consume you, right now, at your age if you want to live with your father then let him know. Most judges will listen to a 13 or 14 year old with respect to their wishes.

Give it careful thought and then decide. The grass may not be greener on the other side of the fence but your situation sounds terrible.

The most important thing is to let go of the hate. Love and hate are strong opposite emotions. Indifference is even worse, if you let your mother see that no matter what she says about your fathers side of the family it is having no effect it will eventually shut her down.

Good luck, think carefully, and plan for tomorrow.

Answer 3

Heres the best thing i think you can do....you say you hate her and you have every right to from what you wrote here....But forgive her. This hate is just going to continue to eat you from the inside, it really is. Forgive your mother and move on. You dont have to make some hallmark moment out of it...just look inside and say "there is nothing i can do to change what my mother has done to me and my father i just have to forgive and move on" i know it is hard to do that to someone that caused so much pain. But the hate is just hurting you. You basically have those two choices...sit here and stew in this hatred or get above the hate and live your life the best you can. And consider talking to a counseler of some sort it may be good for you to just be able to talk to a neutral party. Good luck with this!

Answer 4

Well feeling so much hate is normal but it is not health! how are you now? If it has been awhile and you are up enough in age then maybe you should go to court yourself and ask that a judge can you live with your dad. Then at that point you may get some well deserved healing time. You are right your mother was wrong for doing this to you and your dad. Being angry at her is going to destroy your life if you keep it up. You need to find a way to spend time with your dad so that you can heal from all the hurt. Just know at that point your mom will feel like your dad has all this time. It is never easy when people get divorced for the children. I have worked hard to make sure my son never feels like you. Me and my ex., husband work together to make sure that he knows that he is loved by both of us and so far he is ok. We divorced when he was 5 and he is 10 now. If my Ex. wants to take him somewhere more than he ususally does i have no problem with it. He is going to Texas in Nov. for a couple of days to see his grown daughter from a previous marriage get married and he wants our son to meet his half sister and i am ok with that. The only thing that i can tell you is sometimes parents get so wrapped up in their hatered for the other that they forget that there are children involved and they are hurting them but they do not mean to hurt them. They get wrapped up in themselves and forget that the children need both of the parents. She did not do this to you she did it to him. You have to handle the fact that you do have choices and so does your father. Take her to court to when the right to see your dad.

Answer 5

Realize that both of your parents love you and your siblings. However, for whatever reason they have decided they are unable to maintain a relationship with each-other. Love them for who they are, and stay neutral. They have not stopped loving you, they are simply at a point where they are obviously unhappy together. Unfortunately this sometimes happens and it is time to move on. Separate they may be able to be happy and this will be a more secure and stable environment for all. Of course it is upsetting to you, they are your parents and this is the only life you have known. However, it is going to be different. God will work it all out!

Answer 6

your mother is wrong for doing must have been a bad divorce but it is no reason your mother should act that way she used the child to get back and thats wrong she needs to make things right before there can be any closure in this horrible situation , my husband had a child before us and her mother hated me and didnt want the kid around me and it was because i treated her better and didnt let her run the streets and stay out and drink and smoke and **** now her daughter hates her and it's her fault .

Answer 7

This is very easy to answer. The family concept is a delicate issue. When parents divorce, the family has been destroyed.
No one can replace our NATURAL PARENTS, right? When others step into the picture, it ALWAYS brings conflict and confusion. To be honest, contrary to what so-called family experts say, children are the one who sufer most when it comes to divorce.

Guido