I want a divorce but I'm afraid that it is for selfish reasons who can I talk to about this?

Question

I have been married for 4 years,and we just had a son which is 7 weeks old but my love for him is not the same. He is a descent man although he doesn't fix the car,or cut the grass when asked,he works long hours,and hardly have anytime for me,or the 3 kids that we do have. His relationship between the two oldest of my kids is deteriorating,and since I was raised in a loveless home as a kid myself I fell that I can better raise them alone if I have to. I want a man who will work,and come home to take care of his duties at home as well,as taking care of my sexual needs,and love all of the kids as an equal. Especially since I have a 11 year old daughter who really needs our attention. He has gone from father mode to stepfather mode ever since the baby has been born,it was already bad enough that I did not love him the way that I used to in the first place,and he never plays with our kids... Am I being selfish,and giving up too soon,or should I hold out here to see what this could be??

Answer 1

I would give it time. You have a 7 week old and your post pardum hormones are raging right now. I wanted to leave my husband for 3 months after our daughter was born. Things are better now. If this persists I would go to a counsellor.

Answer 2

Yes. You are being petty and selfish. This man is working his butt off to make money to pay the bills. He doesnt do this just to pay his bills. He does this to pay all of your bills. Instead of criticizing every thing you thing he doesnt do, why dont you look at everything he DOES do. For example, how much easier would it have been for him to find a woman with no kids to marry. He's so damn tired because he has to work to keep up the kids that you brought into the relationship. He obviously loves you. He obviously loves his stepchildren. If he didn't love you very much, do you think he would have ever committed to you in the first place if he didn't. You also have to remember that since these are his step children, he wasn't around when they were the size your baby is now. He probably does give the baby most of his attention right now. That's perfectly normal and acceptable. It doesn't mean that he loves your children any less than the baby. This is just a new and exciting experience for him. He will probably keep giving the baby more of his attention until the get to the age your children were when he started raising them. You have to remember this is a new experience for him. The fact that he is into the baby may also be because he feels like he missed out on getting to see your kids when they were this small. So, in a way, he has to make up for it and get all he can out of this one while he's still little. Instead of being a B*tch, why don't you try thanking him and appreciating him for what he does do? Why don't you admire and respect him for making the commitment that he has already made to you and the kids? Why dont you tell him you know how rough it is for him and how much easier it could have been for him if he had married someone without kids, and how thankful you are that you found a good man who cares about you and was willing to be a father to all of your children. You have to remember he committed to you and the kids long before the baby got here.

Answer 3

Well first of all congratulations on the birth of your baby. At the moment u will probably be feeling a bit low in youself because of having the baby and u have alot on ur plate aswell by the sounds of things, what i think would be a great idea is to try ur best to get rid of the kids for a weekend (not in a nasty way) just so its u n ur hubby, and book a weekend away and try to Re-kindle that love and romance u both had, if u cannot do that then y not wait till the kids are in bed, organise to do a nice meal (candles,romantic music) have a nice chat to him round the table tell him how u r feeling neglected and so r the kids u wud just love that extra help off him, and to take u n the kids out more, maybe cut down the hours if theyre not needed to be worked, i would deffo reccomend doing one of those and see what happens see if u do get an improvement out of him, i wouldnt think about going for a divorce yet until u have given him a chance but i would tell him how strongly u r feeling. Good Luck and i do hope ur realtionship survives and best luck to u n the kids .

Answer 4

Well, 2 kids, an infant, Dad working long hours.....Now is not the time to make life changing decisions. He's gone into survival mode. You 're being left with the traditional female role plus everything he doesn't get to.

Fall back on being friends for now. Get what you can done and get some rest. Whatever falls under "He Didn't get it Done" contract out. See if you can't drop the car off to the mechanic, have the neighbor's teenager cut the grass.

Long term relationships are based on friendship. The "in love" feeling ebbs and flows, but the friendship is the anchor.

Establish a routine of dinner, bath and bed for your school aged kids. Quiet time in your room for the older one. Try to allow you and he an hour or two of blissful peace in the evenings. Time where you and he can share and enjoy the new baby. When he can chill and not have to interact. When you can take a bath and reflect on the good things in your life. Count your blessings.

See if you can''t enroll your child in the after school program. Most schools offer academic support from 3 to 4. My son has to attend from 3 to 4. He is allowed to opt out on the rest of the activities if he likes. This should take homework off of you.

Consider if the eleven year old needs someone to confide in. You can make arrangements with the school counselor for her to go a couple of times. She's in transition, too, and not just the baby. She wants to grow up. Having someone's attention just for you can be important. And the counselor can notify you if there is an issue that needs to be addressed.

I'm not telling you to push the older ones out, I am speaking to you as a mother of 3, one of which is an infant. Your rest is really important right now. It's hard to function under a cloud of exhaustion. Then nothing is fun.

See if things don't ease up once the baby sleeps through the night. Now is not the time to panic. Give everyone that much needed transition time. Once you have a workable routine and things hit an even keel again, then you can see if there are problems that needs to be addressed.

When you speak to family members, speak to them with respect. Respond to what they have to say, do not react. Take a breath, think about what you want to say, and say it calmly and respectfully, as if speaking with a friend. Respond, don't react. This teaches respect.

Ask your man every day if there is anything you can do for him. This indicates that you do have a moment in the day to consider him. Eventually he will pick up the habit. It's nice.

So,dear,give it some time. Do what you can to give you and he down time. Rest. Enjoy the baby and let all the worries go to the back burner. Neither of you are ready to discuss misery right now anyway. He comes home. He loves you. You love him. Be friends. The rest comes back. Just not right after a new baby arrives.

Answer 5

What does your hubby have to come home to? Do you kiss him when he arrives, do you talk to him and make him feel that he is special? Men need our attention, and the more they get, the more receptive they are to you and then to the family. Do you still dress sexy for him when you get together? Little things that you do now will make a big difference for you now and later with your hubby.

I too had this same problem a few yrs ago that I just wanted to end it, and start my life over. I decided to see if I could make a difference for both of us and it worked. I always complement him when he does work around the house or fixes the car. I like to give him kisses and hugs when we part in the am to go to work and when we get together again in the evening. I go out of my way to make good dinners to show him I love him.

Now he shows his love by helping me with housework, or just taking me out to dinner, or by having some much need quiet time where we can talk and get intimate.

Don't give up on your man just yet. You have to take the first step and he will follow.

Answer 6

Sweetie, men have very different ideas on what taking care of the family means. My husband grew up in a very tradional household, mom stayed home, dad went to work. Guess what we do? I stay home with the kids (a mutual decision), and he works. He'd be a workaholic if I let him. He sees that as his job, his role in the family, to provide for us. Could be your husband is the same way. Don't give up yet honey. Only give up when you've tried absolutely everything and you're at your wits end. I agree that right now, you're probably still in full swing of post-partum hormones. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel, tell him the things that bother you, but do it from an "I feel" point of view and not a "you do, don't do" point of view, which only comes across as an attack (in which case he'll respond in kind). If he won't listen, write him a letter. Write him an email. But talk with him. Notice I said "with", not "to". That's the key. You guys have busy lives and you need to sit down and discuss things. From his point of view, he IS taking care of you and the kids. You need to tell him that you need HIM too. I had to remind my husband of that. I still do.

But definitely don't give up yet. It can still be saved, very easily really. There just needs to be a shift. And make sure you and your husband come from loving points of view. Make sure you guys spend time together as a couple, even if it's only cuddling on the couch watching the news after the kids go to bed. That's important to take that time.

Answer 7

Make sure you do everything first... because you want to be able to tell your kids you made every effort in the world to keep the family together... (believe me, my mom has been married and divorced 5 times and my dad married 3...)...

Also read this book "The Truth About Love" by Pat Love EdD

Maybe this is just a phase, or maybe your relationship is just changing... Good Luck!

Ultimately, you'll have to make the decision that is best for you and your children!

Answer 8

Action springs not from thought,but from a readiness for responsibility.To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.He that can have patience can have what he will!Exuberance that comes from utter confidence in yourself,without it,you go down to defeat your own moral.you must sail and not drift,nor lie at anchor.If you are thinking about divorce it's like you have an prostitute like attitude or in other words you're sexiest woman.A man can do all things if he but wills them.Breaking the Mold is not easy as you think.Imagine you are elected as President of USA.Now take this map..think and come out with a concrete action plan.

Answer 9

Maybe both of you should seek counseling. Marriage isn't an easy thing, and if he's working long hours, chances are he's tired when he gets home and doesn't feel he needs to help out there too. Whether it's right or wrong, it could be the case. Plus, he's a guy, and guys are dumb like that.....they won't do things when you ask them to, for the reason that you are telling them what to do. But try asking politely for him to cut the grass.....make sure he knows he's appreciated for his long hours, etc....it takes 2 people giving 100% to make a marriage work.

Answer 10

have you tried talking to him about how you feel? I'd try marriage counseling before giving up and I'd let him know exactly how you feel. What him read what you wrote on here so he knows how serious you are about this. Divorce isnt always the answer. My hubby works hard for our family, we pay someone to cut the grass and he doesnt really know how to fix cars but I love him so that stuff doesnt matter to me. Maybe he feels he's showing his love by working hard for his family. Guys sometimes just need an eye opener. Pray about this. God is faithful..He can fix any broken marriage believe me I know that for a fact. With God on your side who can be against you.